Danielle

[VadimP]

On the first day I came downstairs and met her standing just outside of the doors, smoking. I asked her where the conference talks were held, and she answered unfriendly, as if to cut the conversation short. “Does she think that I want to make a pass on her? With that plain face of hers? And a smoker too?” – passed a thought through my mind.

On the second day we arrived at the same time to the lunch room. She took her tray with food and went to the table where some of the women, whom she met the day before, sat. And I took my tray and went to the table where some of the men, whom I met the day before, ate. I registered that, but it seemed completely natural that we did not try to sit at the same table.

On the morning of the third day she walked into the conference room and sat down on the chair next to mine. She said:
- You are always working, you are always writing!
- Where are you from? - I asked.
- Marseille.
I opened the conference book and began skimming through the affiliations.
- My last name is Roux. Danielle Roux. – She said.
I closed the book and quietly laughed at myself. And soon I noticed that she was left-handed: she was writing in her notebook holding it strangely upside down. And though her face was plain, she was slim, and had long legs. She had style. She was French.

On the day four we stood in line, waiting for lunch, and talked. Then I took my tray and went to sit with my friends, and when I sat down I realized that there was no place for her at the table, and I knew that we had just had our first fight. Our eyes did not meet for the rest of the day.
…

On Sunday we were going on a conference trip. I went to the parking lot to wait there for the bus, and there she was: alone and smoking. “What will I do now? What will I do now?” – was ringing in my mind. She turned to me and smiled.
- How are you? – She said.
…

There followed the days of lunching together, touching hands, and smiling at each other across the room full of people. On the last day, when the conference was over and most of the participants already left, we took our last walk in the park. We returned to the building and sat on a couch. We kissed: first gently and then passionately.
- What shall we do now? – She asked.
- We will go up to my room.

[glover7]

In a story such as this one, I feel that one of the most important things to achieve is making me feel that I'm looking into a compact mirror, watching the special vignettes of a couple of strangers. Your story didn't inspire that in me.

Instead, I feel that you've given a rough outline of the action in a story. You have a great deal of potential here for making this story unique, but I feel like you've thrown it away and relied on the exoticism of the woman's "Frenchness." You have an outline for a story. Now flesh it out.

[VadimP]

Thank you. I feel myself that the story lacks something. However, I am not sure that I agree with your advice: I would hate to add many details, because they, in my opinion, so often obscure the meaning and make for a boring reading.

[loki456]

Hi Vadim,
very nice concept, however I do agree with glover on this one. I feel that I should be taken from experience to experience, from chance encounter to lust/love. But I don't, I feel like i'm looking at a synopsis to a romance novel. I understand where you are coming from as well, you don't want too give to much detail, or want to spell it out for the reader, but i think there needs to be a bit more information just for coninuity's sake.

something is missing, hopefully you can find what it is because I am intrigued by the concept of the story.

hope that I've given you some constructive insight.

[Dirtbag]

I get absorbed into the circumstance but not into the setting. My senses are starved. Despite this, I liked the story quite a bit. It's simple and memorable. Tres chic.

[Steven Hunley]

Well, what I'm hearing from the first four comments, and what I agree with, is that something is lacking. Certainly you are exploring why he finally has an affair with a woman who doesn't turn him on at first. Many men have experienced this effect, and I'm sure the reason for their attitude change was different in each case. You must tell us what it was in this case. Not, hopefully just her Frenchness or Frenchosity. (that would be a bit of a cheat)
Think hard about it, make the words count, and you'll not have to add much.
Don't give up on it. You've got alot of responses for this thing, that shows it is interesting. Good luck.

[VadimP]

Thank you for all your responses! Although the suggestion, that the motives of the main character need to be explained deeper, seems to me more interesting, I have to accept that the story needs more details.

[nates1984]

Simple things make all the difference:

"passed a thought through my mind."

Should be: "passed through my mind."

"On the morning of the third day she walked into the conference room and sat down on the chair next to mine."

On should be in.

It seems trivial, but when you sprinkle little errors like this throughout the whole story it frustrates the reader to a point where they begin to miss the intentions of your writing. Thus, they are lost, and your story is lost to them.

[escapologist]

Simple things make all the difference:

"passed a thought through my mind."

Should be: "passed through my mind."

"On the morning of the third day she walked into the conference room and sat down on the chair next to mine."

On should be in.

It seems trivial, but when you sprinkle little errors like this throughout the whole story it frustrates the reader to a point where they begin to miss the intentions of your writing. Thus, they are lost, and your story is lost to them.

Although no one can argue with this, I have to admit that it's really hard for a non-native speaker to see their own errors. If they were to have their writing published, there would of course be people who'd take care of the writer's grammar, and readers wouldn't be distracted by errors.

[nates1984]

Although no one can argue with this, I have to admit that it's really hard for a non-native speaker to see their own errors.

It's too bad many native speakers make errors worse than this, so it's hard to tell if it's something that should be criticized or not. Regardless, pointing out the grammar mistakes would help the non-native speaker gain a mastery of the language, and if they're writing in the non-native language this is very important. Win-win.

[VadimP]

Indeed, I am a non-native speaker. And during the several years, that have passed since I left the US, my English hasn't improved. Yet, I write only in English - I think that the content of my stories is directed at English-speaking audience.

By the way, can anyone recommend a place/web site where I can publish my stories? I mean a place where they can be proofread and copyrighted?

[Leannain]

Are you interested in writing literature or you're interested in catering to the fanbase of Danielle Steele? If you are, don't forget to add a 6'2' muscled, blond haired male with a taste for 40 year old divorced women, with houses in Laguna beach and money to rival Bill Gates 'cause mate, sorry but when I read your short story, that's who I thought you were trying to emulate.

[VadimP]

sorry but when I read your short story, that's who I thought you were trying to emulate.

I guess it says more about you, Leannain, than about my story, because you are the one who thought about it.

[Leannain]

I guess it says more about you, Leannain, than about my story, because you are the one who thought about it.



Maybe they didn't want to hurt your feelings? If you want to become good, you have to worry about your work and that includes accepting critics and developing yourself from there.

[VadimP]

Maybe they didn't want to hurt your feelings? If you want to become good, you have to worry about your work and that includes accepting critics and developing yourself from there.

You are absolutely right: they wanted not to hurt my feelings, but to offer some useful criticism. This is what they did.

[Leannain]

You are absolutely right: they wanted not to hurt my feelings, but to offer some useful criticism. This is what they did.


And what do you think I was doing? Criticism, useful at that, doesn't have to be flowered in beautiful words meant to appeal to that side of your emotions - those who want to make the critic think : "Woah, this guy really cared enough about my opinion to take the time to."

No. Just like my father was raised by a fine man, to be a fine man, a little harshness(discipline) only does wonders.

So, return to what I wrote. You'll see my intention was to save you from falling into moot.

If you want to create a sex scene, make it real. Those two don't desire each other. Before sex happens, there's a mutual, emotional and mental "strip", a seduction that sometimes takes days, weeks or months. What you are trying to convey is an exaltation of desire; the culmination of a longing both characters shared and walked on time to get.

Besides, the sexy french woman is too much of a cliche. And that particular french female wasn't attractive. Legs? Please? Most women are attractive to most males. Most women from my country are quite beautiful so, for me, to write down a description, how and why she seduced me, would have to fly over physical attributes because how can I be attracted to her physically, when so many others are like her?

Hence...

Attraction is the allure, you know. Way you talk, move, your body language, the little words, the movement of your lips when the perfect nuance is hit...


make her beautiful by creating a unique accent. Or the way she emphasis her r's when saying "Rome" or, the curls her hair create out of thin hair when talking to you. The possibilities are endless.

And so much more.

If you want to write a realistic sex/seduction scene, you have to live it. How do you live it? Well, that way and another way. Get emotionally naked. Humble yourself down to your most basic urge: lust!

Then you go from there.

Was that "emotionally and encouragingly" enough for you?

[VadimP]

Was that "emotionally and encouragingly" enough for you?

What makes you think that I need your emotions and encouragement? Also, don't you think that it is pretty naive to play a "good guy" after you behaved rude? Am I supposed to be grateful now?

But sure, there are plenty of guys who use anonymity of the Internet in order to assert themselves by insulting others. I may even write a story about such a guy, and you may very well be the source of inspiration.

[Leannain]

What makes you think that I need your emotions and encouragement? Also, don't you think that it is pretty naive to play a "good guy" after you behaved rude? Am I supposed to be grateful now?

But sure, there are plenty of guys who use anonymity of the Internet in order to assert themselves by insulting others. I may even write a story about such a guy, and you may very well be the source of inspiration.

You don't need to put it into words. How you need emotions and encouragement. If you lacked that need, you wouldn't get all hot and bothered.

Sure you are. Unless you only count "good" incentive as a positive force. In that case, that is your concern and the loss of inspiration. Good guy? Bad boy?

Human beings aren't one dimension. That means that one can have light and dark inside. Not that both my posts reflected any of that nature but I'll humor you.

Thanks. I know I am great source of inspiration not only because of that :).

You want to know who helped me the most when I was starting my poetry craft?

The teacher who picked my poem and trashed it. She, made me realize the nature of an artist; I can always get better; never settle with what you have done. In a way, her "rudeness" helped me become a better poet. Take from this what you want or, twist it to laden your emotions.

Sigh. insulting other people. How so? By saying that what you wrote is a cheap attempt at trying to write like Danielle Steele? or that your story reminded me of a downgraded "trying to seduce" sex scene?

This what I get for trying to help people :lol:.

[VadimP]

First, you are not in a position to profess "tough love" - you are not my teacher/friend/relative and, as far as I can judge, not even a writer/poet.

I also disagree with the very concept of such "tough love" - it denigrates a human being to a level of a child/animal, who is worth of being cared for, but is not capable of doing it by himself/herself. And it denies the fact that many people have internal desire to be better, regardless of what they have already achieved.
Perhaps you didn't have it and needed an external prompter to wake it. But it only says that YOU were not a grown up person, capable of self-criticism. So be careful to generalize.

Finally, you do not understand the difference between painful criticism and rudeness. It is not the harshness of the terms, but the target at which they are directed. glover7, in a couple of sentences, indeed nearly trashed my story, whereas you, in so many messages, merely insulted its author.