paulw
11-20-2009, 10:04 AM
I have my second story critique in my creative writing class, and I just wanted to know if this beginning is successful:
I was driving down the winding road, watching for deer, and enjoying the beautiful day. The sunshine passed through the trees in little flashes, and I could smell the forest, as wind blew through my sunroof. The next two weeks were going to be great, and I was looking forward to the swingers party, just like the old days. I wondered how many times I would be with Sandy over the next two weeks. I focused on this, as I sat beside a backpack, filled with dirty magazines, and a bottle of whiskey. It was hard to keep my eyes on the road, with all the images flashing into my mind.
I looked at myself in the rear-view mirror and winced. Never do that, I thought. That always happened. My age wasn't something I wanted to think about, especially right before a reunion with the other swingers. We weren't young anymore, and it made the prospect of swinging more risky and embarrassing. The creases around my eyes were deep, like canyons to me. It wasn't a big problem, though, because we were all drinking still.
I tried to grab the bottle of whiskey out of the backpack, but it was shoved between the pages of a magazine, and it was tricky to get out while driving. I pulled my hand back from the backpack and readied to try again.
Nearly forgetting the whiskey, a horrible thought about Patricia popped in my mind. I wondered if Patricia would stay home, since Dale died in the fire so recently. Me and Patricia always had a lot of fun together, and my wife was in the hospital, almost dead from all that chemotherapy. Dale's death didn't have to be a complete tragedy.
Suddenly, I saw something coming down the path in the shade, and my mind fixed on it. My car was on a straight stretch of dirt, and so I could see quite a ways down, but it was difficult to make out. It wasn't a car, or a truck...It was in the air, and it was much smaller. A bird.
I didn't worry, because it was still a ways down, but something about it caught my eye. It was so big. Visions of naked Patricia left my mind, and the whisky in my backpack stopped being a priority.
It kept gliding towards me. I looked at it, and it's massive size, and wondered how much it weighed. What a wingspan it had, and it looked so graceful. Finally, it flew into the light.
It's a bald eagle, I thought.
I was ecstatic. What a thing to see. I always loved animals, and seeing an endangered one was a treat for me. I wasn't an official bird-watcher, but I had watched a documentary about ravens with my brother, not to long before this drive, and so birds were on my mind.
It kept coming at me, and coming at me, and coming at me, like we were playing a game of chicken. I was getting nervous, because it wasn't changing it's course, and I wanted to slow down, but I kept going anyways.
The bald eagle exploded on my windshield, sending cracks through the glass, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Blood was all over, and I couldn't see anything. It was so shocking to me that I became completely disoriented, and the car swerved to the left.
I felt weightless for a moment, as the car tipped down the side of the mountain.
I was driving down the winding road, watching for deer, and enjoying the beautiful day. The sunshine passed through the trees in little flashes, and I could smell the forest, as wind blew through my sunroof. The next two weeks were going to be great, and I was looking forward to the swingers party, just like the old days. I wondered how many times I would be with Sandy over the next two weeks. I focused on this, as I sat beside a backpack, filled with dirty magazines, and a bottle of whiskey. It was hard to keep my eyes on the road, with all the images flashing into my mind.
I looked at myself in the rear-view mirror and winced. Never do that, I thought. That always happened. My age wasn't something I wanted to think about, especially right before a reunion with the other swingers. We weren't young anymore, and it made the prospect of swinging more risky and embarrassing. The creases around my eyes were deep, like canyons to me. It wasn't a big problem, though, because we were all drinking still.
I tried to grab the bottle of whiskey out of the backpack, but it was shoved between the pages of a magazine, and it was tricky to get out while driving. I pulled my hand back from the backpack and readied to try again.
Nearly forgetting the whiskey, a horrible thought about Patricia popped in my mind. I wondered if Patricia would stay home, since Dale died in the fire so recently. Me and Patricia always had a lot of fun together, and my wife was in the hospital, almost dead from all that chemotherapy. Dale's death didn't have to be a complete tragedy.
Suddenly, I saw something coming down the path in the shade, and my mind fixed on it. My car was on a straight stretch of dirt, and so I could see quite a ways down, but it was difficult to make out. It wasn't a car, or a truck...It was in the air, and it was much smaller. A bird.
I didn't worry, because it was still a ways down, but something about it caught my eye. It was so big. Visions of naked Patricia left my mind, and the whisky in my backpack stopped being a priority.
It kept gliding towards me. I looked at it, and it's massive size, and wondered how much it weighed. What a wingspan it had, and it looked so graceful. Finally, it flew into the light.
It's a bald eagle, I thought.
I was ecstatic. What a thing to see. I always loved animals, and seeing an endangered one was a treat for me. I wasn't an official bird-watcher, but I had watched a documentary about ravens with my brother, not to long before this drive, and so birds were on my mind.
It kept coming at me, and coming at me, and coming at me, like we were playing a game of chicken. I was getting nervous, because it wasn't changing it's course, and I wanted to slow down, but I kept going anyways.
The bald eagle exploded on my windshield, sending cracks through the glass, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Blood was all over, and I couldn't see anything. It was so shocking to me that I became completely disoriented, and the car swerved to the left.
I felt weightless for a moment, as the car tipped down the side of the mountain.