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chaplin
11-15-2009, 09:42 PM
(October entry for the Story Competition)

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A Mess of Numismatic Pottage

I lay on a soiled, slack-springed mattress, surrounded by gold. Silver, too. From out of this treasure, I stared up at the ceiling, whose stains and dents and holes--like the disfigurements of some gap-toothed gargantuan--were the only parts of my room not covered with my glittering coins. Otherwise, the brilliant reigned over the dull, the radiant over the matte.

I would soon be leaving this room, and this treasure would, of course, accompany me; so I rose from my bed, composing a little chorus of creaks as I did so, and pulled a large suitcase from the floor. Into this went my wealth.

I first packed away my collection of Roman denarii, which I had spread across an old desk: These are little, century-thinned discs, whose imprint--of a dull-eyed, often curly-haired monarch--sometimes only covers half the coin, leaving a crescent of plain metal just above the truncated emperor, like a little halo. Then, after these, a set of Grecian medallions, two thumbs wide and etched with cloud-robed goddesses.

And so on. Steadily the suitcase filled, and the walls began to emerge from their gold-and-silver dream. The kitchen sink, around which I had arranged some particularly vibrant specimens, was once again merely a corroded basin, its golden glimmer now packed away. A seldom-frequented corner of the floor, devoid of its silver rubles, was now just a bit of dusty wood; so too with the window sill and the counters, the headboard, and the seat of an unused chair. I removed lastly a big gold dollar that had concealed a burn spot. As I closed the lid over the coins I felt as if their shine were gathering inside.

I then slid the suitcase off the bed; its weight, plunging to the floor, sent my body into a rigid twitch as I struggled to keep it in my hands. I crossed the room, legs locked in support, and stopped at the door to hunch down to the peephole (feeling, as ever when doing this, a bright flash of the forbidden--as if I were peering into a chambermaid’s little boudoir). I saw, however, nothing. Despite stretching open then squinting tight both eyes, my cheek scraping against the door, I could see only a fluttering blackness. At the moment I began to ponder the possibility that my room had been torn from all reality and placed in an empty void, I remembered, with some disappointment, that the eviction notice was still hanging on the other side of the door, carelessly affixed there, over the peephole, by my old-lady landlord.

More urgent than stealthy, I cracked the door open, shot my hand through the opening, and ripped the paper back into the room. Then, letting the notice drop to the floor, I resettled my eye to the door’s little lens: a deserted hallway, lit with time-rimed light bulbs, and a row of doors opposite. I darted out and down the stairs.

As I strode through the lobby, I passed on the right, as everyday, the metal mosaic of built-in mailboxes and the mural-like water stain stretching across the wall; I gave both a farewell glance. As I neared the glass exit door, a female figure suddenly appeared therein, rising up in increments as she scaled the front steps. Instinctively, I stopped--the suitcase continued forward, swinging my arm like a little pendulum, as I watched the figure materialize. I resumed my progress when I recognized her as my young neighbor, Priscilla (coincidentally, also the name of my brother’s short-lived kitten). She and I had exchanged decreasingly awkward hellos since moving in, and had achieved a pleasant, if laconic, rapport. Her ear had a small mole on it, and her hair--in pristine curls--lightly bounced whenever I met her coming down the stairs.

I reached the front door just as Priscilla was coming through it; I readied, eyes up, for another one of our hellos. She had paused at the threshold upon noticing my approach, and now took a step back, pulling the door with her, to more fully clear my way to the street. I passed through and she smiled mutely, as if delighted with her role in my departure. Despite this unforeseen perfidy, I, too, smiled--and as courteously as any time in our, now terminated, series of greetings (however I did decline to return her little half-wave). I nearly dropped my suitcase as I dashed down the steps.

The early-afternoon crowd in this city is depressing: those people with nothing to do--usually men in sweaters--walking slowly from store to store, constantly looking down the street and over their shoulders as if someone cared enough to follow them; and the homeless people--usually men in old sweaters--sitting singly on benches, either half-dazed or fully-smug, their lives in a bag at their feet. And then myself, a neat harmony of both types.

All of these same, sad men--now and then contrasted pleasantly by a shop girl sweeping up the sidewalk--compelled me to decide upon a destination. Firstly, there was the train yard, whose distant clattering I had heard nightly in my old room; however, the memory of this clattering--a gaunt, soulless sound--prevented me from turning there. There was the park; but it probably got very, very dark there. And the factory district. That probably held some interesting nooks, but the smell I associated with it--a sour stifle of rust--was intolerable when merely passing through an adjacent block…After several more rejected possibilities, I decided to just walk toward the suburbs, vaguely hoping and expecting to find some suitable corner there to spend the night in.

I reached the first row of houses well after night had settled in. Careless, I walked the clean sidewalks, listening to the equally clean quiet, often stopping under a streetlight to set the suitcase down and look around. The usually grand houses lining both sides of the street, were, for now, in the gloom, merely formless blocks, sitting sleepily on their haunches. Nothing to aspire towards. However, there was a sickening poignancy in the stray lighted window, floating afar, like a beacon, in a wall of black.

Fatigue hit me suddenly, after miles of abeyance. Not caring any more, I swerved into a small grassy area--not a park really, just some benches and a sandpit--and laid down under a picnic table to keep hidden. With my head resting, a bit painfully, atop the suitcase, I gazed up at the few stars visible between the spaces in the tabletop. The moon was looming, irritatingly bright, just above the horizon.

My hiding was unnecessary; I awoke involuntarily hours before dawn the next day, my back wet with dew, and started walking again. The suitcase felt heavier than it had the day before.

A pre-dawn suburb: empty roads, raw and foreign and very black; infrequent cars passing like motored phantoms; one or two housewives walking small dogs, both of which (the dogs and the housewives) are eager to greet you as if actually meeting in a real world. Somehow, I managed to shrug them all off. Just before reaching the city, crossing under an overpass, I encountered a hobo man, another type also awake at this hour. He took his hands from his pockets, watched me pass, then returned them to his coat--we almost nodded to one another. He looked just like a bearded Swedish king on several of my old kronor.

Upon reaching the city, my stomach, for hours and hours so solid, suddenly snapped with hunger when I visualized all the meals I would have to provide it--a redoubtable thought because I had no money. I did have a suitcase of expensive coins, but what good was that? Sure, it was a wealth, indeed a trove of riches, and duly recognized as such, but, alas, wholly invalid within any contemporary system--it was a worth confined completely to itself. And, anyway, I refused to exchange my obscure, but resplendent riches, for a uniform, but practical, security.

Such an honorable resolution fades, however, when the rather unreal dawn transforms into morning. Soon, the sterile smell of empty sidewalks was replaced with the perfume of nearby breakfasts. Every store seemed to reek with this savory scent; every businessman, holding cases somewhat similar to mine, carried with them a piece of this redolence. Another homeless man (another looking exactly like a Scandinavian monarch) even had his share of it--quietly consuming something from a napkin held to his face. (To go yet further, the man’s gray-streaked beard, catching the crumbs from his lips, even had more than myself.)

I resisted though--or for a while, at least. But before long the morning departed, and took with it my last vestige of will. Around noon, as I turned onto a main road, fleeing from a street of aromatic cafes, I came upon the sight and smell of hot dogs. They were being peddled by a short man, whose shoulders barely surmounted the cart from which he was selling them. I watched him as I neared: every time he sold something or checked on his wares, he had to press his chest to the rim of the cart, using it as leverage to reach into a compartment, from which he lifted out a bun or a sausage, the latter dripping with the water it had been boiled in. I’ve never even liked the things, yet this sight--a tepid hot dog glistening with cloudy water--was the limit of my endurance. (It’s strange how the lowest form of certain things is often the most enticing.)

With deliberation, I ducked into a doorway and set my suitcase on some stairs. I opened the lid--ignoring how weakly the coins seemed to shine--and began sifting. I mainly had foreign and discontinued items, but once I had bought a set of turn-of-the-century quarters--not very valuable, and not a cherished part of my collection, able to be sacrificed with little import (as I then reasoned). I soon found them, waiting loyally, at the bottom. They didn’t look too much like the ones currently minted, but there were perhaps enough similarities for a quick exchange.

Pocketing the quarters and sealing the suitcase, I stepped back onto the sidewalk and made directly for the hot dog cart. I passed it by once, not because of a resurgence of resolve, but merely from diffidence. However, I abruptly turned on my heel and walked back to the man. I asked him, simply, for “one.” He nodded up at me, then leaned and strained all over the cart as he assembled the order. As he did so, he asked, “Mustard?…Onions?…”, going through every condiment he owned, like some strange monk chanting--to which I answered, in equally monastic tones, “Yes…no…Yes…”

Finally, he named his price, holding the sausage in one hand, the other palm-up, waiting for payment. I gave him the quarters from my pocket, adding, “Keep all the change.” He passed me the hot dog and turned to insert the coins into his cash box. Just before he dropped them in, he hesitated, the way one does when about to sneeze. I quickly turned and started off, fully expecting to be called to--but I continued on, without protest.

Oh, if only he had charged up to my retreating back, roughly tapped my shoulder (or more precisely my shoulder blade, since I doubt he could have reached the former) and told me, “These things are fakes,” or some such thing, then shoved the quarters back into my hands. But he didn’t, and I devoured my unpleasant purchase (the first of many). As those foul things often do, it had a faint metallic taste--almost like an old coin.

chaplin
11-15-2009, 09:43 PM
I think I'll also offer a bit of my own interpretation of the story. Nabokov was the major influence on it, meaning that I tried to create an only half-repulsive character, fairly unreliable in narration, who in the course of the story attempts to both prove how special and brilliant he is and give excuses for why he is, despite this, a failure.

I also tried to have the narrator unconsciously tell us himself how ridiculous he is without even realizing he has done so, allowing both the author and reader (the most important relationship in fiction, as Nabokov has said) to knowingly watch above as the main character destructs below. The narrator's arrogance is one way I tried to have him do this, an arrogance that collapses into contempt whenever it is in the least threatened (e.g. Priscilla doesn't grovel in consolation and protest when, evicted, he leaves for the last time, so he suddenly dismisses her as traitorous). The title was also an attempt to signify how ridiculous he is: To console and justify himself in selling off his "treasure", he views his little moral collapse as something epic, even biblical (hence the "mess of pottage").

The suitcase full of coins was crafted as a metaphor, which, again, because of his oblivious arrogance, is something he doesn't see but we can. I tried to make it signify his awareness of his ridiculousness, which he doesn't, perhaps for his sanity can't, recognize, but in the periphery of his mind, at certain moments, does partially glimpse. I had this in mind when he nearly drops the suitcase after dismissing dear Priscilla, when he rests his head "a bit painfully" atop it before falling asleep, when he comments that the suitcase was harder to carry after an embarrassing night under a park bench, etc. I'm not sure that it turned out successfully, but it was enjoyable planting such little, revealing details in his mouth.

I've rambled on, but thank you for your time with the story.

Gilliatt Gurgle
11-21-2009, 08:49 AM
Hello Chaplin,

I really enjoyed your piece and I had intended to reply sooner, but with work and all... Anyhow, being a novice coin collector, I was initially drawn in by your “numismatic”. My keen eye has been trained to spot the special ones lying among the ordinary in the palm of the hand. I quoted a few excerpts from your piece that I particularly enjoyed.
Thanks for sharing.



(October entry for the Story Competition)

-------
A Mess of Numismatic Pottage

I lay on a soiled, slack-springed mattress, surrounded by gold. Silver, too. From out of this treasure, I stared up at the ceiling, whose stains and dents and holes--like the disfigurements of some gap-toothed gargantuan--were the only parts of my room not covered with my glittering coins. Otherwise, the brilliant reigned over the dull, the radiant over the matte.

I would soon be leaving this room, and this treasure would, of course, accompany me; ... a little chorus of creaks ...Into this went my wealth.

...The kitchen sink, around which I had arranged some particularly vibrant specimens, was once again merely a corroded basin, its golden glimmer now packed away...
... I removed a big gold dollar that had concealed a burn spot--

...I stopped--the suitcase continued forward, swinging my arm like a little pendulum,

...The early-afternoon crowd in this city is depressing: those people with nothing to do--usually men in sweaters--walking slowly from store to store, constantly looking down the street and over their shoulders as if someone cared enough to follow them;...

... merely formless blocks, sitting sleepily on their haunches. Nothing to aspire towards. However, there was a sickening poignancy in the stray lighted window floating afar, like a beacon, in a wall of black.

...one or two housewives walking small dogs, both of which (the dogs and the housewives) are eager to greet you as if actually meeting in a real world.
...And anyway, I so nobly declared, I would never exchange my obscure, but resplendent riches, for a uniform, but practical, security.

...Just before he dropped them in, he hesitated, the way one does when about to sneeze. I quickly turned and started off, fully expecting to be called to--but I continued on, without protest.

...and I devoured my unpleasant purchase (the first of many). As those foul things often do, it had a faint metallic taste--almost like an old coin.

chaplin
11-21-2009, 11:15 PM
I really enjoyed your piece and I had intended to reply sooner, but with work and all... Anyhow, being a novice coin collector, I was initially drawn in by your “numismatic”. My keen eye has been trained to spot the special ones lying among the ordinary in the palm of the hand. I quoted a few excerpts from your piece that I particularly enjoyed.
Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, Gilliatt, for your compliments. I unfortunately know little about coin collecting myself, but, despite this, I thought numismatics might make for an interesting motif in a story. I hope my ignorance of the subject wasn't too apparent to someone with experience (I just skimmed through a couple of price list books beforehand).

Steven Hunley
11-22-2009, 12:22 AM
You know I did read your story earlier, but was remiss in giving it a response, which I often do, especially if I like it. I do. Now I've got to read you and Nabokov as well. That's O.K. I'll probably enjoy both. Thanks.

TheFifthElement
01-03-2010, 11:41 AM
First of all, apologies for the delay in commenting on this story. It’s been a bit crazy recently, and I wanted to give it my full attention :)

As you know, I very much liked this story. It reminded me very much of Knut Hamsun’s Hunger which I read over the summer, have you read it? It is an excellent book.

Key positives for me were:
- characterisation, you really brought your character to life. He wasn’t likeable, but I liked that about him. He was real, very three dimensional and obsessive and I think you draw the obsessiveness out with sections like this:

I first packed away my collection of Roman denarii, which I had spread across an old desk: These are little, century-thinned discs, whose imprint--of a dull-eyed, often curly-haired monarch--sometimes only covers half the coin, leaving a crescent of plain metal just above the truncated emperor, like a little halo. Next, I packed a set of Grecian medallions, two thumbs wide and etched with cloud-robed goddesses.

I loved his little observations, and thought processes throughout the piece. He is a quirky little character, he seems to observe the social niceties and yet not crave society. For example:


As I passed she smiled down at me, as if delighted with her role in my departure. Despite this unforeseen perfidy, I, too, smiled, and as courteously as any time in our, now terminated, series of greetings (but I did decline to return her little half-wave). I nearly dropped my suitcase as I dashed down the steps.

I could go on, he’s totally fascinating! What was most fascinating was that the key to his salvation was in the suitcase, if only he had been prepared to give it up. And yet he did give it up in the basest, least value way with the buying of the hotdog. This too reminded me of Hunger, whose protagonist too seems to avoid every path that would lead to his recovery.

-prose and description

You have a real talent for description, and the way you write is clear and still beautiful. Right from the first line:

I lay on a soiled, slack-springed mattress, surrounded by gold.
which is a beautiful opening. I love the alliteration in ‘soiled, slack-springed’. It’s also fascinating. The comparison between the degradation of the mattress and the gold, which leads immediately to the question: ‘why is he surrounded by gold, but not living in luxury. I love the contrast which you build throughout the piece.

- observational skill

This is apparent throughout the piece. The way you build depth with the minute observations of your quirky, obsessive man. Like this:

The early-afternoon crowd in this city is depressing: those people with nothing to do--usually men in sweaters--walking slowly from store to store, constantly looking down the street and over their shoulders as if someone cared enough to follow them;


The usually grand houses lining both sides of the street, were, for now, in the gloom, merely formless blocks, sitting sleepily on their haunches. Nothing to aspire towards.
There again, the rejection of society.

And here:

A pre-dawn suburb: empty roads, raw and foreign and very black; infrequent cars passing like motored phantoms; one or two housewives walking small dogs, both of which (the dogs and the housewives) are eager to greet you as if actually meeting in a real world.
And your drawing of the hotdog vendor is excellent:

They were being peddled by a short man, whose shoulders barely surmounted the cart from which he was selling them. I watched him as I neared: every time he sold something or checked on his wares, he had to press his chest to the rim of the cart, using it as leverage to reach into a compartment, from which he lifted out a bun or a sausage, the latter dripping with the water it had been boiled in.

On the whole I find it hard to say what you could do to improve the piece. It’s pretty darned good. Perhaps one thing is that it felt a little like an extract of a larger piece, perhaps because the ‘crisis’ the character confronts does not carry an emotional impact; although you have built a picture of the character’s love affair with the coins at the end it is still hard to see what it has ‘cost’ him to give up those coins for the hotdog. If the character had, perhaps, interacted with the coins throughout the story, or perhaps even visited a collector and been offered a lot of money for one, then it would be more apparent how obsessive he was, and how cheaply he gave them away in the end, when he submitted to his more practical desires. Perhaps if he was less decisive about buying the hotdog, that too would build the emotional hit. It’d also be interesting to have a little more background on why he was being evicted, and why he was not, apparently, in employment.

It is a well drawn piece, however. I enjoyed it very much. Not your standard fare, but better for it in my opinion.