Biggus
11-09-2009, 05:38 AM
VALENTINE QUESTION
Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead
PAM AND SUE
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue
Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head
Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue
CUPID FIRED
I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head
LIFE BEGINS
When my wife was pregnant
I was told I must be there
Smoking cigars with the lads
Was never on the cards I fear
I had never been fascinated
With childbirth I must declare
Waiting for the time for that bag
Of screaming giblets to appear
“I’m not going down the business end
I’ll just hold your hand dear”
But when you’re in the room
The event fills you with cheer
And when my son entered the world
I shed more than a little tear
A NOTIONAL MOTION
Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?
HIS PERFECT WOMAN
According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat
ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT
Why is it sound engineers?
When there’s a gig to do
And they have to test the system
Say one two, one two, one two
And at the end of the gig
When there’s packing up to do
They don’t have any testing
But they’re nowhere in view
I think sound engineers
Can only count up to two
Because if they counted up to three
There would be heavy lifting to do
SAY IT AINT SO
“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”
SEX TOY UPGRADE
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time he can
Tinkering with the cars parts
Rather than the woman
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
CALL ME EPPING
They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking
THE GINGER PRINCE WENT TO WAR
Harry is the spare, not the heir
So he chose to follow a military career
And the ginger Prince went to war
Amidst muck and bullets, blood and gore
He is a braver man than I by some way
It’s a shame the press gave the game away
Now the prince is coming home again
To the land of his grandmothers reign
For as he bravely faced the Taliban
There were dangers for the princely man
For even under the pale winter sun
He had to wear factor ninety one
CULTURE VULTURE
Isn’t culture wonderful?
Music, theatre, poetry
Something for everyone
To feel or hear or see
The performing arts
I particularly like poetry
Especially poetry readings
With the writer at the mic
I go to festivals and slams
From time to time
I like to go to a recital
And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme
CLUNK CLICK
Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
PICKING FROM THE MENU
Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver
So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp
GET A GRIP
It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”
Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”
A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION
In order to keep supping
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again
Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight
As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the ****ing musical
FILTHY RICH
Life can really be
An awful *****
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and *****es
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.
HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS
Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters
Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning
Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture
FEVERISH
I don’t think I have swine flu
As I haven’t been to Mexico
But I don’t feel well at all
I feel like crap if you must know
I thought of the NHS for advice
On the flu and perhaps its tackling
So I phoned the swine flu hotline
But all I got was crackling
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
WORKING LATES AND EARLIES
Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early
Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead
PAM AND SUE
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue
Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head
Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue
CUPID FIRED
I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head
LIFE BEGINS
When my wife was pregnant
I was told I must be there
Smoking cigars with the lads
Was never on the cards I fear
I had never been fascinated
With childbirth I must declare
Waiting for the time for that bag
Of screaming giblets to appear
“I’m not going down the business end
I’ll just hold your hand dear”
But when you’re in the room
The event fills you with cheer
And when my son entered the world
I shed more than a little tear
A NOTIONAL MOTION
Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?
HIS PERFECT WOMAN
According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat
ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT
Why is it sound engineers?
When there’s a gig to do
And they have to test the system
Say one two, one two, one two
And at the end of the gig
When there’s packing up to do
They don’t have any testing
But they’re nowhere in view
I think sound engineers
Can only count up to two
Because if they counted up to three
There would be heavy lifting to do
SAY IT AINT SO
“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”
SEX TOY UPGRADE
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time he can
Tinkering with the cars parts
Rather than the woman
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
CALL ME EPPING
They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking
THE GINGER PRINCE WENT TO WAR
Harry is the spare, not the heir
So he chose to follow a military career
And the ginger Prince went to war
Amidst muck and bullets, blood and gore
He is a braver man than I by some way
It’s a shame the press gave the game away
Now the prince is coming home again
To the land of his grandmothers reign
For as he bravely faced the Taliban
There were dangers for the princely man
For even under the pale winter sun
He had to wear factor ninety one
CULTURE VULTURE
Isn’t culture wonderful?
Music, theatre, poetry
Something for everyone
To feel or hear or see
The performing arts
I particularly like poetry
Especially poetry readings
With the writer at the mic
I go to festivals and slams
From time to time
I like to go to a recital
And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme
CLUNK CLICK
Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
PICKING FROM THE MENU
Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver
So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp
GET A GRIP
It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”
Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”
A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION
In order to keep supping
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again
Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight
As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the ****ing musical
FILTHY RICH
Life can really be
An awful *****
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and *****es
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.
HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS
Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters
Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning
Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture
FEVERISH
I don’t think I have swine flu
As I haven’t been to Mexico
But I don’t feel well at all
I feel like crap if you must know
I thought of the NHS for advice
On the flu and perhaps its tackling
So I phoned the swine flu hotline
But all I got was crackling
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
WORKING LATES AND EARLIES
Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early