Thoughts on a Drunken Eve of Winter's Death

[MorpheusSandman]

I shudder beneath the tiny bite of winter wind
A reminder of the great cold distance
That now separates us

Sitting with this Jack my mind drunkenly stumbles
In the room lit by a candle
Your face flickers in shadows
On this painted, plastered alter
Ghosts trip and flick through serrated edges
On a book of blank pages

These tears are for a remembrance
One I’d drown in an ocean of liquor to numb
The sobering silence…
It might as well be the artillery fire of a nation’s army
Leveled at my sanity

Eventually used to be just a word
Until the event passed
Now I struggle to make my life as even
As your pulse
On the eve
Of eternity

What’s the use of this bewailing requiem?
Tomorrow I’ll have a migraine
Tomorrow I’ll be sick
I’ll vomit the remains of this phlegmaticizing liquid
And reality, alone, will rush back to greet me

If only we could demolish these abstractions that separate us:
Time
Space
Death
If only life was but a thought
We might exist in the infinity between
Time
Space
And Death

And never leave
Like you left
Me

[skib]

Though I love the mention of my best friend as well, this is quite a sobering poem. Rather beautiful if I might say so.

[firefangled]

It is well suited the way this trails off into his obsession with Time, Space, and Death and finally with the spare description (by comparison) of the source for this solitude.

[~Sophia~]

Well done Morpheus. I have just one little personal nit... and it's just my opinion so please, disregard at will...

You've established the poem is about the narrator in the first stanza, then in the second stanza, the 1st person is reinforced too often and the wording "as I" is terribly overused as a lead-in by many writers.

Shouldn't we trust our readers more and allow them to conclude it's still "I" and in this case, we know you are alone so of course it's your Jack... using "my" twice within that sentence seems a bit redundant.

As previously mentioned, it's a personal grievance. I enjoyed the rest of the poem tremendously!

[Buh4Bee]

If dreams, fantasies, and Jack Daniels dumb the pain, why not? Beautiful poetic experience to describe the loneliness felt when life is lived without the one you love.

If only to escape in a drunken stouper, but it seems that, in this moment, there is no escape at all. The subject of the poem is experiencing the pain on a very intense level, so that the pain may be partially processed and experienced at a less powerful level during sobriety.

[ahsiam]

wow...i loved the poem..i loved the reality inside..good work..

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks to skib, fire, jersea, and ahsiam.


I have just one little personal nit... and it's just my opinion so please, disregard at will... Thank you tremendously for this criticism! It's actually replies like this that I appreciate the most, because when I write (I imagine when we, as a collective group of poets, write) I can only be aware of so much and I think part of evolution of a poet is becoming increasingly aware of the nuances of the craft. I'm definitely here to learn more and grow and one can't do that without criticism. This is a rather elaborate way for me to say "I think your criticism is dead on". In fact, I immediately changed that second stanza to reflect that. :)

[Sampson]

This poem is remarkably touching. The way it looks on the screen hit me most, the way it 'trails off' towards the end. The repetition in the second to last stanza really reinforces that as well.... Wonderful poem!

[qimissung]

Morpeheus, I would personally take out the three lines after 'bewailing requiem;' and I would take out the two sets of 'time, space, death's.' I personally think that those changes would give your poem more power.

I'm kind of a chicken about criticism, personally, so let's call it feedback. What you might do is play around with it a little more. Write it up with said suggestions on a paper somewhere, put it away for a day or two, then get it out and look at and decide how you feel. What we write is never finished; we only choose a place to stop.

This is your baby, and it's a fine one. If you do nothing else, just remember not to tell your readers everything, and leave us with a little bit of mystery.

[DanielBenoit]

First, I must say that that is one of the most elegant titles I've ever come across for a poem on here. Secondly, I love these lines;


Ghosts trip and flick through serrated edges




One I’d drown in an ocean of liquor to numb
The sobering silence…




And never leave
Like you left
Me


I like these lines so much, that I wish I've written them.

However, the poem does feel a bit loose and at times is too literal (for my tastes that is) like here:



What’s the use of this bewailing requiem?
You won’t come back
You won’t be around
You won’t be watching
I’m alone


Overall I loved the begining, but have mixed reactions towards the end. Btw, contrary to what quimissung says ^^ there, I think the 'Time, Space, Death' repetition is just fine ;)

[paperleaves]

"A reminder of the great cold distance/That now separates us " and "And never leave/Like you left/Me" really caught my attention. Didn't care so much for the title, but meh, I don't really go for titles much anyway, as you can tell by my posts. The last three lines are haunting, and I love the empty sigh of loneliness in the first two. You have portrayed an aching, raw pain that so many of us fail to describe....thank you so much!

p.s.
props on the mention of Jack. lol


love
Kate

[cogs]

"...serrated edges\On a book of blank pages" captures their appearance.
the line that starts, 'eventually', was at first confusing, 'cause i thought something 'eventually' used to be a word, and i didn't know what that something was.
i like the rhythm, because it's like the person is writing while drunk.
i have the same grief, and my consolation is that we'll see them again, and they'll remember our requiems.

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks to Sampson and Paper for the comments and thanks to qimi, Daniel, and cogs for the feedback!


Morpeheus, I would personally take out the three lines after 'bewailing requiem;' and I would take out the two sets of 'time, space, death's.'I will definitely consider the former, but I think the second are essential to the piece.

EDIT: I did change the former line. You like it better?


I'm kind of a chicken about criticism, personally, so let's call it feedback. What you might do is play around with it a little more. Write it up with said suggestions on a paper somewhere, put it away for a day or two, then get it out and look at and decide how you feel. What we write is never finished; we only choose a place to stop.I definitely welcome criticism because, in a way, I feel everything I write is experimental and just me practicing. I have definite plans for where I want to take my poetry and what I want to accomplish and right now this is just me attempting to sharpen my tools and I definitely want to find out what works and what doesn't. I love your suggestion though and the idea that we're never finished and we just stop; I definitely revisit pieces and change them relatively often.


If you do nothing else, just remember not to tell your readers everything, and leave us with a little bit of mystery.It's a tricky balance, truly! Often I find I'm too abstract and metaphoric and the meaning completely gets lost and/or obscured. On the other hand, if I'm too direct then I think that ruins it for the reader. It also depends on what I'm trying to accomplish with any piece; I wasn't really concerned about being too mysterious with this one since I think it's something we all experience in one way or another. This was more about me trying to navigate between drunken perceptions and sobering realizations on those very themes you wanted me to remove.


First, I must say that that is one of the most elegant titles I've ever come across for a poem on here.Thanks! Much like Paper I tend to hate titles, but I liked this one.


FirstHowever, the poem does feel a bit loose and at times is too literal (for my tastes that is) like here:The descent into the literal was an attempt at what I talked about above; contrasting the "drunken" perceptions with a more sobering and direct realization. In a way, the "bewailing" stanza was supposed to a be a bridge of sorts.


the line that starts, 'eventually', was at first confusing, 'cause i thought something 'eventually' used to be a word, and i didn't know what that something was.That was mostly me just playing around with words; eventually, event, even, eve...

[DanBierce]

As stated by others this poem definately has much merit. Good job! It looks like you have plenty of input on this as far as critique goes, and I see you have the best attitude as far as welcoming and taking advantage of crits is concerned, so I'll just say I read and enjoyed. PS: Don't be in a hurry to revise. Let this sit for a while. Have fun revising. I always do. I like to think of my poems as made out of warm, pliable clay that can be worked and worked as I see fit.

[Pendragon]

If only we could demolish these abstractions that separate us:
Time
Space
Death
If only life was but a thought
We might exist in the infinity between
Time
Space
And Death



There are great depths of feeling in these lines that brings the reader focus upon three great enemies of life: Time, Space, and Death are our battlegrounds, how we face them is life's meaning!

[Mr. Madeleine]

In this piece, I like the light work in the second stanza best. I would have liked to read more about the room, to see it used as object correlative for the drunk narrator. In the third stanza, I like "ocean of liquor"; it may be just me, but I'd revisit "artillery fire" and make it more Navy-like for structural purposes, i.e. to make that whole stanza one of sea imagery. Besides the last stanza which tells me too much and doesn't show me enough, your poem is a pleasurable read. Thanks for sharing.

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks to Dan and Pen!


I'd revisit "artillery fire" and make it more Navy-like for structural purposes, i.e. to make that whole stanza one of sea imagery.That's actually an excellent idea.


Besides the last stanza which tells me too much and doesn't show me enoughThat was intentional. While I have a great respect for the extra dimension the imagists brought to poetry I don't subscribe to the whole "show, don't tell" philosophy as a paradigm because I think there's a time and place for both. I wanted the more imagistic first half to contrast with the more sober "telling" of the second.