vulnerable.

[paperleaves]

384

daddy,
i don't like this new world
it's too real.
I always pretended I was ready, but
goddamnit
I can't. I can't do it.
i still want to live in the trees
and catch frogs with you
and make chocolate milk out of nesquik and 2%
now I'm wearing blue scrubs, combing my hair before breakfast, and saving people's lives
and driving, alone
so alone, on the commute home
in the toyota
that you bought
just because you love me.
no more backseat inquisitions
as to why your hair is falling out
or why the whiskers under your nose are
neatly trimmed every Sunday
i took off my saddle shoes and left my strength on the table
please, daddy,
I take it all back
I'm not ready
I'm not ready

[cogs]

sounds almost like the first day of school... it's so interesting that someone so powerful to save lives feels vulnerable. life keeps us humble. also, sounds like a great dad.

[blazeofglory]

Of course we all have nostalgic about the world that is old and a little bit pastoral, green and simple

[paperleaves]

thank you cogs, blazeofglory. ^_^ and yes, my daddy is a good daddy. kind of a reminiscent tribute to him ha

[a_little_wisp]

I teared up when I read this-- as if I could almost hear that voice, half-numb, half-sobbing, "I'm not ready, I'm not ready." You know reality is pulling you under when you suddenly find yourself wanting to go back, to go way back, to cling to stuffed animals and hold onto to dad's big hands-- vulnerability, yea. Working in a hospital can't be easy on the soul either. Oh, paperleaves -- you know just what to say, and how to say it. If it's worth anything... I think you can do it.

[~Sophia~]

paperleaves - this really tugged at my heart. I think everyone goes through a kind of shock on the day they find out they are grown-ups now. Wonderful!

[driftingdreamer]

Wonderful poem. It surely illuminates the feeling I think we all experience throughout our life, "Wanting to go home again". I know I do.

[MorpheusSandman]

While I usually love your poetry for its aesthetically complex surrealism I've got to say that there's a real sober power to this piece because of its pared back simplicity. You can really feel the raw emotion of the piece and it's really one of the most compelling poems I've read about lost childhood... just superb (as usual).

[paperleaves]

Thank you all...it is comforting to hear your thoughts as it also makes me feel less guilty for feeling this way.

love,
paper

[cogs]

i read again, and saw more of the emotion, and what you were relating. isn't that the line we walk, how to express the sentiment with exact words... you give good clues

[symphony]

Away from home (sometimes I wonder if I could be any further away from home) for university, I cant read this poem without casting me into the poem...

[Sampson]

I'm really feeling this poem. I think it's remarkably heartfelt, and written on a theme broad enough to empathise with on many different levels. Really hit me; sign of a great poem init? (:

[firefangled]

This does not have the same tone as most of your other poems, which always seem deceptively revealing and cryptic simultaneously. I like it. I think it's an original presentation of the longing we all experience to return to the simplicity and omnipotence of childhood. The solitude often required to give ourselves to others.

I especially liked this line for that:


i took off my saddle shoes and left my strength on the table

[soundofmusic]

:nod: very articulate and positively gut wrenching; I was almost afraid to read it and experiece the pain.
I read it two ways: the lose of childhood and the lose of a parent.