an empty milk carton dream

[paperleaves]

there has always been something
missing from the moonlight sonata-
but I never knew what it was
until I met you,
under those damp nights
slumped in yourself
dying by your own hand.
a little one plays ball
in the alleyway
while i cackle, drunken and lonely
on the balcony of a condemned apartment
somewhere in this dirty city
beheading my sorrows

--------------------------------------------------------------

winter
a frozen womb, wallowing in the lips of
forfeited sorrows
I will crumble in these shackles
I will melt, I will fade
I will die,
my love

my love,
a red and white wonder, bathing in
waves of echoes
your skin, a pale mirror,
reflecting the white, white blankets
of morning
it's the last leaf of autumn, under your boot
peeping around your toes
that reminds you
everything
is in a strange place
adorned in hell

[Virgil]

Are those two separate poems? I was really taken with the first one.


there has always been something
missing from the moonlight sonata-
but I never knew what it was
until I met you,
under those damp nights
slumped in yourself
dying by your own hand.
a little one plays ball
in the alleyway
while i cackle, drunken and lonely
on the balcony of a condemned apartment
somewhere in this dirty city
beheading my sorrows
What an incredible turn this takes. Such great lines too: "slumped in yourself/dying by your own hand," "while i cackle, drunken and lonely/on the balcony of a condemned apartment." Not sure though i care for the "beheading my sorrows." You can't really behead sorrows. Sounds like a stretch.

Not sure what to make of the other one. This phrase really struck me, "winter/a frozen womb." Wow, does that send chills down me. But I can't say i liked the rest though.

[qimissung]

The first one is my favorite of ones you have written.

[~Sophia~]

I want to comment but I'm not sure how to. I've read through several times trying to find a connection between them. Sorrow, a tenement, living a daily hell are the obvious ties and, as Virgil pointed out, there are many great lines but I have to admit, I'm also curious as to whether it's two poems or one.

I love when you make us work for it!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Of course the title promised magic, the inimitable Paperleavesian sort of magic and both of these delivered on that promise. I'm more or less in agreement with those who looked in vain for a close connection between the two halves, and I share the majority opinion thus far that they ought to be two separate poems, of which the first is the better one, and the second suffers somewhat by having to live up to it.

[paperleaves]

They are, indeed, two separate poems. ^_^

Thanks for the feedback, my dear LitNetters! I have been suffering from severe artistic frustration the past few weeks, so these all have been the remnants of my subconscious following long workdays. That's why they're strange.

Love you all,
kate

[PrinceMyshkin]

They are, indeed, two separate poems. ^_^

Thanks for the feedback, my dear LitNetters! I have been suffering from severe artistic frustration the past few weeks, so these all have been the remnants of my subconscious following long workdays. That's why they're strange.

Love you all,
kate

They are NOT strange. If on the other hand you were to write. e.g.


Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down!
Hickory Dickory Dock.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
The bird looked at the clock,
The clock struck two 2,
Away she flew,
Hickory Dickory Dock

I just know that that would turn out to be strange, or as I prefer to call it, Paperleavian!

[MorpheusSandman]

The first one is superb; among your best (and that's saying a lot). I'm not a big fan of the second either... it seems a bit plain and lacking in your usual vivid richness.


Not sure though i care for the "beheading my sorrows." You can't really behead sorrows.Much like you can't really "take up arms against a sea (of troubles)"; I took it as a kind of mixed metaphor, but I'm not sure if that's how paper intended it. Maybe it would've been better to embody sorrows or give it a kind of facial quality...

[qimissung]

I really like the line 'beheading my sorrows.'