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View Full Version : Could anyone help to evaluate translation from Italian to english?



ricromano
10-31-2009, 04:03 PM
Given an Italian with an average knowledge of English, is it possible an impeccable translation of a 360 pages novel? By impeccable, I mean indiscernible from a text written by someone whose mother tongue is English.
I add one page to know the verdict I would be very grateful for.
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In the end I had reached myself those forty years and over, when time begins to tighten stingy rather than offering itself eternal. In the morning now, I did’t pry much into the mirror, not to see my face more and more blotted out: puffy the eyes, gray streaked the temples, the pallor of those who don’t see much the sun. The tongue moreover, it felt in my mouth like a foreign body, flavored by more cigarettes than I dared to count. Utterly futile fancying to cut out smoking, as I wouldn’t consider doing it straight away but tomorrow maybe, or even better, further in time.
"How have I dwindled so much ..." I went on repeating for too long, before throwing my weary limbs under the shower. Then, somehow, I shaved, gussied up to the point of choosing a tie to match the socks, gathered my breath and was ready to enter the fray: in front of me another rotten day around Rome, in search of the mythical pile.

"Giuliana..." I sighted that name in the last weeks, as I was invoking the Madonna of the frustrated.
"What?" Considerate as ever in his bar full of smells and noises, Italo awakened my mind brutalized by the usual sleep backlog and twenty years of conscious parasitism. "Did you say anything? The usual squirt in your coffee, perhaps?"
Frenetic his activism as he cleared the counter from cups and glasses, vigorously scrubbing a rag here an there, as if he had to set for twelve. A ritual all that fuss, to prepare the idle conversation in which I let him involve me every day, to re-establish a contact with the outside world.
"No, no, please!" Firm my refusal. "Not today." A stomach pumping would be needed, rather than a coffee fixing.
"Yeah!" He had taken off. "Much better a light breakfast, in the morning. In your position, besides... You see people, you manage important things, you are never at rest..." He called important, the things I did.
"At rest? No, thanks..." I gave way to some verbiage myself, trying to flake off from an abulia that wilted me to a state of autism. "If I think it over, I don’t get out of bed."
"What?! And I? What should I say? At least, you have a good life. You know the big shots, the Undersecretaries, the Ministers... You even know the hot female dancers of State Television."
"The big shots I know..." a bit of mockery in my tone "monotony is all I know. You see one of them and you have seen the all lot."

DWolfman
10-31-2009, 04:52 PM
Welcome to the forums
but I hate to disappoint you.

What you've written seems
an attempt at English
by someone based in another language.

Your first paragraph would probably
read something like:

I had reached over forty years now, when time begins to compress rather than seem endless. In the mornings, I didn’t pry much into the mirror, seeing my face more and more blotted out: the puffy eyes, the gray streaked temples, the pallor of those who don’t see much of the sun. My tongue felt like a foreign body, flavored by more cigarettes than I dared to count. But it was utterly futile to try to stop smoking now, tomorrow maybe, or even better, further in time.

Hope I haven't offended
and hope that this helps,

-DW-

ricromano
11-01-2009, 10:26 AM
Welcome to the forums
but I hate to disappoint you.

What you've written seems
an attempt at English
by someone based in another language.

Your first paragraph would probably
read something like:

I had reached over forty years now, when time begins to compress rather than seem endless. In the mornings, I didn’t pry much into the mirror, seeing my face more and more blotted out: the puffy eyes, the gray streaked temples, the pallor of those who don’t see much of the sun. My tongue felt like a foreign body, flavored by more cigarettes than I dared to count. But it was utterly futile to try to stop smoking now, tomorrow maybe, or even better, further in time.

Hope I haven't offended
and hope that this helps,

-DW-

No offence but many thanks for your valuable observations. However, I still do not understand what makes the text such as to appear written by a non English speaking individual. Thanks again.

DWolfman
11-02-2009, 11:36 AM
Was waiting to see what others would say, but
since no one else is responding at present,
here are some examples of what I mean.

It seems to me the verb-adverb and noun-adjective
positioning is the main difference. Here I have placed
your sentences with what I believe a native English
speaker would have written:

is it possible an impeccable translation of a 360 pages novel
is an impeccable translation of a 360 page novel possible

I add one page to know the verdict I would be very grateful for
I've added a page and would be very grateful to know the verdict

In the end I had reached myself those forty years
I had reached over forty years now

time begins to tighten stingy rather
time begins to compress or time begins to tighten stingily

puffy the eyes, gray streaked the temples
the puffy eyes, the gray streaked temples

The tongue moreover, it felt in my mouth like a foreign body
Moreover, my tongue felt like a foreign body in my mouth

Utterly futile fancying to cut out smoking
It was utterly futile fancying to quit smoking

Frenetic his activism as he cleared the counter
He was frenetic in clearing the counter

"No, no, please!" Firm my refusal
"No, no, please!" My refusal was firm

He called important, the things I did.
He considered the things I did important

You see one of them and you have seen the all lot.
you have seen the whole lot.



-DW-

ricromano
11-02-2009, 04:48 PM
Was waiting to see what others would say, but
since no one else is responding at present,
here are some examples of what I mean.

It seems to me the verb-adverb and noun-adjective
positioning is the main difference. Here I have placed
your sentences with what I believe a native English
speaker would have written:

is it possible an impeccable translation of a 360 pages novel
is an impeccable translation of a 360 page novel possible

I add one page to know the verdict I would be very grateful for
I've added a page and would be very grateful to know the verdict

In the end I had reached myself those forty years
I had reached over forty years now

time begins to tighten stingy rather
time begins to compress or time begins to tighten stingily

puffy the eyes, gray streaked the temples
the puffy eyes, the gray streaked temples

The tongue moreover, it felt in my mouth like a foreign body
Moreover, my tongue felt like a foreign body in my mouth

Utterly futile fancying to cut out smoking
It was utterly futile fancying to quit smoking

Frenetic his activism as he cleared the counter
He was frenetic in clearing the counter

"No, no, please!" Firm my refusal
"No, no, please!" My refusal was firm

He called important, the things I did.
He considered the things I did important

You see one of them and you have seen the all lot.
you have seen the whole lot.



-DW-

Many thanks for your answer. You couldn't have been more clear. An Italian with an average knowledge of English cannot make an impeccable translation of a 360 pages novel, unless he invests several years in the task.
Having written a novel whose specific target is the maybe thirty millions of Italian-Americans, I was tryng to establish wether the English of the posted sample was understandable enough to let hope that a U.S. publisher would review the full text as any other.

Best
Rico Romano

DWolfman
11-02-2009, 05:12 PM
Please do not let my observations deter you.
Perhaps if your novel is published in Italian and
does well with that community, the publisher
would be prompted to fund the translation.

A good work is a good work in any language.

All the best with it,

-DW-