Petals

[jat-balwal]

i dont believe myself to be a good poet. but sometimes you can be your worst critic :P.

feedback please :)

Petals

A flowers petals
fall to the ground
the wind sighs
and carries them

A bees wings.
Beating furiously.
Task in hand.
But nowhere to land.

Ambience surrounds
as cool night covers us
wraps her hands and
holds us close

Springtime.
Flowers bloom from shy buds
working furiously not to fall
They'd even curl into a ball

The sun cups his hands
and bathes us in this glory light
Never holds us in respite
Springtime knows that love is might

Cool night and sun
long to have closeness
But only symetric touch
wish to mingle such and such

Tranquil sights
amaze us all
with its loving
beckoning call

A flowers petals
fall to the ground
so do my tears
a cycle that goes around

Thanks for reading

[Buh4Bee]

This is lovely, so sweet and pretty. Like a young innocent bride. I just so enjoy poems that express love with seasonal imagery.

I can't say I'm one to telling you how to improve this poem, but you may benefit from adding an apostrophe in the first line.;)

thanks for sharing.

[Pryderi Agni]

Hmmm...except for little peccadilloes with the grammar, I think you're on to something here.

[blazeofglory]

I like the last stanza of the poem and it is really beautiful and kind of touching us. It seems you have the technique of writing good poems.

[jat-balwal]

thank you very much for all the good comments and advice ^__^

[Pendragon]

Hey, believe in yourself! Nothing particularly wrong with this poem. Be proud of it, you let you shine through! :wave:

[skib]

Very nice! It seems to me you are pretty comfortable with writing. Barring conflicts with my own personal preferences with poetry, it is a very sound and beautiful poem. Keep it up!

[jat-balwal]

thanks alot for all the great comments :) i might just post another poem...

[paperleaves]

lack of confidence wears self-appreciation...in turn, burying your creative soul along with your poems! Find joy in your expression, for we can all learn from the happiness of creation :) thanks for sharing! I do hope you post many more times!

in kindness
kate

[jat-balwal]

Writers Block

What a great sadness,
when there is a stop.
To all that you create
and birth from your mind.

When nothing comes to fruition
and bleakness invades your mind
then distant thoughts run wild
and stories unknown begin to unwind

We choose to let it.
Our curiosity wandering where it ends
Will it paint a blank canvas of life?
Or create a field of bright flowers?

Frustration peaks
as a field of white grass
infects our minds,
making it blank

We leave our eyes unfocused
Deep in concentration,
so as to conjure images
and insert it to ink and trees.

Then they sting
like a bee,
and bite,
like lions

We give up
images will snail
into our minds
destined not to fail.

[cogs]

this is peaceful, like just before writing a poem. inspiration does surprise me, like the bee and lion. this is apt.

[MorpheusSandman]

Very reminiscent of the Romantics which beautifully expressed the beauty of nature. I like the short lines as they seem to reflect a sort of sighing, almost zen-like awe and appreciation of the natural world. My only suggestion would be to avoid such cliched pairings like sighing winds or leaves falling like your tears.

[paperleaves]

"
Then they sting
like a bee,
and bite,
like lions"

i like it!!

[jat-balwal]

thanks for all you great replies and constructive criticisms. ^__^

[jat-balwal]

i didnt really want to start another thread....

Every night,
the tidings I bring
hopefully just might
make me king

And every morning
I wake up,
to find it dawning.
I'm like a pup

I am under the spell
The streets are caster.
Stuck in a repetetive knell
that becomes faster, faster

little locks lie
on my mattress
like ham on rye
she is my seductress

Hope, hope never to be bound
Or to wake lonely
In anger, to be drowned
even in manner...if only

Pray to be saved
By that which hates you.
See all obstacles braved
in action that you do

Any more and
its terrific
Any less and
its horrific

[jat-balwal]

Another one. feedback and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated...

A creeping monster, that blends into any surrounding,
Or a siren, luring me, beautifully sounding.
my heart pulsates as it seeks me out,
look to me, give me reason to doubt.
There's a finality in the way it looks,
A finality like diagonal bishops and sideways rooks.

Dress me in saffron shirts,
or something that no longer hurts.
Hand me that which cannot be handled,
like he who was made to fly, sandalled.
hold me with your comforting arms,
Rid me of all distracting qualms.

This never happens, the monster hits me hard,
finds my heart, and makes it scarred.
Thats why i lay this into ink,
Silent screams, to make you think.
'whatever happened to the farmer's son,
who started to write, to feel he could run'.

so what happens now? when he is gone
from this world? when he is done
or given up on. we can only repeat that its
finished
finished
finished

thanks for reading.

[jat-balwal]

please comment, im starting to think you dont like me :p

A sharp, sweet crunch
As heavy footsteps discover ground
And slowly seek
what they call lucnh
Its sweet soothing sound
convinces us that its meek

Nature fears this one
regrets its creation
And is angered by silences
It wishes nature done
To crown itself in coronation
to be appeased by audiences

come look, gaze at its figure
merchant of gravel
and a thief of wives
able to conjure
an unjust gavel
to become ruler of lives

thanks for reading

[Buh4Bee]

Overall, I find the poetry vague and hard to understand. But wait to see what others think.