The King

[Missinglink57]

Lions roars, like large explosions.
With grand might and fear inducing expression.
Without sounding a single notion,
He causes them all to run.

Sunbathing, heating golden fur.
Other lions, they confer.
Overthrowing the king in current power.
Loyalty distorted, just as if been put under,
extreme temperature change.

Explosions sounding, the coup has begun.
Warmed metallic fur in every direction.
Blood drenched savanna, under sunlight.
The king stands upright.
Unscathed, Undefeatable.



Thoughts?

[Buh4Bee]

Lions roars, like large explosions.
With grand might and fear inducing expression.
Without sounding a single notion,
He causes them all to run.

Sunbathing, heating golden fur.
Other lions, they confer.
Overthrowing the king in current power.
Loyalty distorted, just as if been put under,
extreme temperature change.

Explosions sounding, the coup has begun.
Warmed metallic fur in every direction.
Blood drenched savanna, under sunlight.
The king stands upright.
Unscathed, Undefeatable.



Thoughts?

Overall, I like the plot of the poem, but I think it may benefit from revision. I wasn't crazy about the comparison of their roar like large explosions. I'd prefer an image that was more original, even something closer to the idea of a thundercloud (slow deeper roar).

I enjoyed the last stanza.

[cogs]

this has energy that's moving. although i do see the heat and the metal and the explosions,
if the coup is like a war incursion, the figurative part needs more concrete examples, like bombs, guns, etc... very interesting metaphors, thank you.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'm with jersea on this one. The similie/metaphor is a bit prosaic. I'd recommend developing it even further and finding more original comparisons.