A Second Chance

[VulpesFulva]

Second Chance


As you stand there atop the ever-spiraling stairs,
You think to yourself. You’re almost there.
You take your last paces to the edge of the steel.
You’re glad that you don’t have much more to feel.

You jump in the air, a bird in first flight.
You smile to the windows and laugh at their light.
This world has been so cruel to you, you think.
You’ll make your mark finally, with your own vital ink.

As you fall farther down, the lights start to spin.
It’s taking forever to come to an end.
The lights in the windows, and the lamps on the ground,
All pulse and fly around when, nearly stopping, you slow down.

Your life plays before you like a Super-8 reel,
A home theater of memories in 360 °.
You close your eyes and try to fall, but see the film still.

The film takes you back to when you, full of joy,
Ran around the house from your brother and his toy,
To the place beneath the stairs where you shared that first kiss.
And that’s me there, on the receiving end of bliss.

The tape stops rolling, the lights go dim, and in midair, I remain.
I reach out and wipe your cheek before the mascara can stain.
“I’ve had enough of watching you from my seat among the stars.
Destroying yourself for no reason, creating countless scars.

“I can give you a second chance,”
I say, “but it can only be this once.
I love you, babe, and I miss you, too.
Don’t take for granted what I’ve done.

“Now, reconstruct this asphalt with that teardrop in your eye.
You’re only feet away, but with the ripple, travel back
To that decision that you made,
When your will to live went slack.

Use the liquid pavement to reinforce your will.
I’ll see you when you get here, babe, but not a moment ‘til.

[MorpheusSandman]

The content and your rendering are quite powerful and very alive. You seem to have an innate knack for capturing the scene you're trying to depict and expressing it in words. My only complaint is, again, with the metrical variations which take away from the power of the end-rhymes. I think it's very important when using couplets especially to read the two lines meant to rhyme and see how the rhythm plays out and if its rough or smooth. There are way too many rough lines here which creates a kind of mental disorientation from the reader that detracts from the power of your words and imagery. The good news is that you have the tough part down; just work on the technical aspect and you'll be fine.

[blazeofglory]

Rhyming is not a crime and it adds up some beauty from an artistic angle. Given the choice I prefer rhythm to rhyme. Rhythm has force, repercussion and lasting inkling. I do not object rhyme if a poem is not rhymed at the expense of rhythm. I know some classical poems wherein both rhyme and rhythm are in one piece and unbrokenly integrated. Both become indistinguishably integral to each other. But when it comes to a neophyte it is crucial rhyme is given way to rhythm or rhythm is what we opt for. To bring into play both rhyme and rhythm is a staggering job something we mortals practicing the craft of poetry for a while can not master. That said I do not mean I dampen the spirits of a budding poet. A few stands out the rest of the pack in the long run and that may be you and. Overall I liked the poem with a fabulous blend of words. It is really a very enduring job, and writing poetry demands of us great perseverance and or else a poem of this beauty would not have been birthed at all in point of fact

[PrinceMyshkin]

I did have some trouble with the movement from rhyme to free verse and back again, but those final lines are a killer!

[firefangled]

Your poem's content is quite shocking and you've used good imagery to show the reader the experience you are writing about. Your chosen form here can be extremely powerful if you put a little more work into the pace of it. Last thoughts may be some of the most extraordinary moments in a human being's life.

Read Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. In each stanza is a rhymed couplet. Frost is one of the great masters of rhythm and rhyme and this is an accessible poem with much to demonstrate how easy rhythm and rhyme can work together to carry the poem along. The poem actually has an interlocking quadruple rhyme, but see how effortlessly it both means and flows.

I don't mean to imply that Frost's poem is one of last thoughts, but it is an interesting one to consider alongside yours.

Many on this site have said these words many times: The best way to learn poetry is to read poetry and listen. It is a listening art above all else that it is.

P.S. You could also read the latest posts by Biggus Aspects of War. Excellent use of rhymed couplets. Excellent use of rhythm within that form.

[VulpesFulva]

Thank you, everyone, for commenting and critiquing. I definitely agree that there are some rough spots that need to be buffed out.
Firefangled, I love that Frost poem, but I haven't read it in a few years. It deserves revisitation.
My poem has been around for a while, but has only undergone a couple of serious rewrites. From the comments here, I feel that the poem is interesting and worthy enough of another solid rewrite effort, if not a few more.

[MorpheusSandman]

Oddly enough, instead of reading poetry I learned the technical aspects from, of all places, Wikipedia! They have great articles on meter, rhythm, rhyme, and prosody (in general) in poetry. It's an excellent way to learn the basics and that's really all you need to know in terms of most of the technical aspects. I've generally found that in most art-forms once you learn the basics it's all about the artists' creative power from there on.

[Pendragon]

Oddly enough, I find the rhyme pattern well written, except maybe where you left the end rhymes to form a three-line stanza that doesn't really fit. This poetry is strong with good imagery and I love it when a poet lets the lines flow freely from their pen! A+

[VulpesFulva]

Thanks, Pendragon!