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Zeniyama
10-26-2009, 09:00 PM
Against the yellow light
Of the sun
I held
The crystal vase
Full of water
With a single
Rose

A rose for my love
Wet with dew;
I picked it from the bush
Where she kissed me
And promised never to neglect me

And
She never did
Not once
In our entire lives
Did she ever think it necessary
To hurt with words
The soft little bit of flesh
They call a heart

And now
At her door
I wait to be let in;
Dressed in black
With a little red rose
For her
My love
In her coffin.
----

It should be obvious that I've been reading Joyce again, what with the Beckett poem in my signature and the lack of punctuation in my poem.

I'm sorry, I lied a bit when I said I'd write a more jolly poem this time. It's not that I'm necessarily unhappy; in fact, I'm quite a bit happier than I've been in a while. I don't know why all my poems are ending up unhappily, now.

Next time, I promise, I'll write something that's not sad.
MorpheusSandman
10-26-2009, 11:52 PM
I like it but I might trim some of the lines and especially remove the last one. I tend to like leaving these things for the reader to interpret (it's pretty obvious, anyway).
blazeofglory
10-27-2009, 03:59 AM
So realistic picture! I do not comment on the craft of the poem and I do not care. It moved me honestly speaking immensely
Zeniyama
10-27-2009, 03:59 PM
I had some conflicts with whether or not to be subtle or just to come right on out and say it, and I decided that if I was to come out and say it, it ought to be at the end. So, that's what I went with.
blazeofglory
10-27-2009, 07:32 PM
I had some conflicts with whether or not to be subtle or just to come right on out and say it, and I decided that if I was to come out and say it, it ought to be at the end. So, that's what I went with.

That is how a good poem is born and too much pruning mars the quality of a good poem.
skib
10-27-2009, 08:17 PM
Beautiful! I agree with Morpheus. I personally like to (but usually fail) to leave it up to the reader to interpret a bit. Well done!
MorpheusSandman
10-27-2009, 11:27 PM
too much pruning mars the quality of a good poem.There are way more poems ruined by containing too much rather than containing too little. Part of the art of poetry is the art of saying more with less. Always think of SEX when it comes to poetry; Simplify and EXclude.
Online Dater
11-03-2009, 04:12 AM
That was so sad. How can someone manage that scene seeing his love inside the coffin.

:( *sigh*



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cogs
11-03-2009, 05:55 PM
i was very surprised at the last line. yes, i agree you should be more subtle, however, readers are not going to understand something you know that they don't. you can incorporate the result in a metaphor at the end. leading up to that, should be a stark contrast to the result.
also, i always ask, 'what is the meaning?' if she is dead, and he only talks about how she was, how does that affect the reader? will the reader identify with the loss? at the last line, will the import of the author's feelings match the readers?