august 13th, 2008

[paperleaves]

an old blog entry.

bumblebee highways and bloody scarves
I am dying, the leaves are slicing
me open, i can taste autumn
like a plague, a fever of blades
titanium white cadmium stripes the liquid primer
mattes the hour
black
the skies writhe
and winds fly
through us.
I can smell you in the autumn
your nutmeg sweat
and moccassin curtains, dreamcatcher necklace
i'm willing to write one last.
I've been writing one last for five years.
five
****ing
years.
contraceptive climate claims
the world is new
to everything
it crawls on all fours and whistles
show tunes
i am a poet
painting with coffee
in the dark corner
of the light.
I will show you the flaws of the deities
and remind you of your godliness.
human cleanliness is a myth
created by the seraphs
and the stars,
my norwegian mathmetician
will tell you so.
I am the girl
with the scarf and pennyloafers
that listens to thom yorke while
reading charlotte bronte
and smoking a cigarette
just because she has
no
one
else.

[PrinceMyshkin]

just because she has
no
one
else.

No one else but your fervid imagination with which you could populate the average mid-west town... Lovely spill of imagination.

[VulpesFulva]

"contraceptive climate claims"

I love a stab of alliteration thrown in.

Unfortunately I have NO idea what this poem is about. The end seems to be about loneliness (about which I must concur with PrinceMyshkin), but there is also a lot of aggression. Almost an announcement of the poet's presence. "I am here, and this is who I am." At the beginning it seems like there's a longing for something in the poet's past. Hard to say.

So the structure is roughly Longing, Aggression, Loneliness (and almost despair-giving up)...

I not has much more to say.

[MorpheusSandman]

Like most (if not all) of yours, paper, this one is incredibly rich and multi-faceted; emotionally complex and powerful, intellectually engaging. It has both a quality of linguistic denseness and opacity while offering moments of startling lucidity and powerful simplicity. One can always read multiple things into your works, but it almost seems as if here you're both embracing and lamenting loneliness because the opposite leads to such inevitable pain. I love these lines:

I will show you the flaws of the deities
and remind you of your godliness.

But the confessional power of those final lines (from "I am the girl" on) is amazing. My only suggestion - and it's a small one - might be to use stanzas on occasion. This is an instance where I think those closing lines would be even more powerful if you separated them from the rest of the piece.

[firefangled]

I love your poetry! You just open up the valves and let it go,
but it's what is in there to let go that shines. You've said you do not edit, but I would like to sit for ten minutes in your head and just look around.
Something puts this stuff together in there, the objects and themes. Your thing for scarves, cigarettes, and painting. I just want to see the shelves
where you store these things in the workshop of your mind.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I love your poetry! You just open up the valves and let it go,
but it's what is in there to let go that shines. You've said you do not edit, but I would like to sit for ten minutes in your head and just look around.
Something puts this stuff together in there, the objects and themes. Your thing for scarves, cigarettes, and painting. I just want to see the shelves
where you store these things in the workshop of your mind.

Beautifully put, ff, but I have a suggestion: just imagine all the things you might find at Wal-Marts, Towers, MacDonalds &c., then eliminate them and what's left might be some of the stuff in PL's mind. Or else it's just a matter of her inhabiting her entire skin...

[paperleaves]

thank you, Jer, VulpesFulva, Morpheus, and firefangled!
I love coming on the forum and reading what you all think of my poetry. I appreciate your comments, and ff feel free to pick my brain anytime! :P

P.S. JER, your last two poems were amazing. I just started a new job so I barely have time to breathe between school and home and work so I PROMISE i will comment on everyones poems soon :) I miss all of you!

[cogs]

an old blog entry.

bumblebee highways and bloody scarves
I am dying, the leaves are slicing
me open, i can taste autumn
like a plague,

I can smell you in the autumn
your nutmeg sweat

i am a poet
painting with coffee
in the dark corner
of the light.
I will show you the flaws of the deities
and remind you of your godliness.

the first 2 definitely feel like autumn (i chuckled at the nutmeg sweat). the last has a great image of a quiet poet as an evocative painter... definitely the heart of a poet is to evoke.