I would not lie below.

[a_little_wisp]

I Would Not Lie Below.

Did I pour salt into your open wounds?
Let me lick it out—
Heaven, help me, I have gone bad inside;
There are worms wriggling through my arteries,
And moths in the cabinets where love should be kept--
Being raw with you wasn’t always a good thing--
We'd always end up bleeding enough to fill a blood bank.

Once-lover, you are one of my best inspirations
Attached to me or apart from me,
A touch away,
A phone call away,
Nine circles, and
Seven terraces away.
We know best the words with which to wind each other up
And we use them often.
Nothing serious-- just all in good fun, right?
Oh, but I can’t stop this game!
I’m a rotten apple, and you know it too.
(Because it is not, at all,
A game to you.)

I'm not who I usually am when I'm with you;
That is,
You’re the first person I ever wished to be cruel to--

And then I’d cry myself to sleep from guilt after
I examined your mutilated innards--
Red, red, and gushing--
Under a microscope, with a scalpel,
To find the answers I desired most.
(But I tucked you in, didn’t I?
And sang you lullabies?)
“Malevolence.”
There, I said it--
And you thought I didn’t see it for what it was.
Oh, with all my pleas towards the heavens,
We both know I hum the heralds
Of the fallen--
Hell, I wrote the lyrics.
(They're a little rough,
But nothing's perfect down here.)
Our paradise is lost, see?
But there is no wordsmith who could adequately capture
The havoc that is wreaked between two humans
When the quietest rupture of one heart occurs
And eradicates the world which was created between them --
Except, as much as you'd like it to be,
It's not that easy
(And neither am I);
The bacteria and roaches of our Something
Survived,
No--
Thrive--
And now they're mutated.
Sh*t.

All the better!
Let the gods have their Ragnarok and Revelations.
How about I hit you up for a chat tomorrow,
While Yeats' slow beast takes his sweet time,
And we’ll see how much damage we can do to each other's pride,
Until, finally exhausted of laughter,
We’ll picnic in silence
In the concrete park
Where once Eden lay,
Ripe and ready,

Where once Adam slept in Eve’s frail arms
And dreamed of Lilith.

[skib]

Quite . . . graphic, Wisp. Not at all what I was expecting from you, but it certainly packs a punch! Very well done. It's left me a little unsettled.

[a_little_wisp]

MWAHAHAHA. Good, that's what I was going for, although it's new to me. OH skib, it's good to see you again! :D Thanks so much for reading!! -- even though it left you unsettled. :/

[VulpesFulva]

Good morning. I'll start off the day right, right here. I think it's graphic, but not overly so. I think the graphic points in the poem contrast well with the lighter lines, serving to generate the distinction in the poetry that mirrors the poet's conflicting feelings with the subject. I like the Yeats reference, The Second Coming is one of my favorite poems. The last four lines are AWEsome.

[firefangled]

I love the cynical and erotic tone of this. When we are openly honest about human relationships it often leans into cynicism because they can be so strange much of the time.

Wisp this poem had me from the first salty two lines.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'm of mixed emotions about this. The graphic nature doesn't bother me but the length does. It's a real trick to write even remotely long poems (and this one isn't even THAT long) because it becomes like a really tricky balancing act in terms of content, form, rhythm, lines, words, length, etc. I think this one loses focus or, at least, the internal rhythm gets off a bit but it has some real vividly shining moments. The last two stanzas are superb and the second is very good as well, but I think the long, central one is a bit baggy and starts to sag around "But I tucked you in...".

[cogs]

I examined your mutilated innards--
Red, red, and gushing--
Under a microscope, with a scalpel,
To find the answers I desired most.

i liked this metaphor... i do this subconsciously to people, grill them until i have my answer... lol.

[~Sophia~]

I like this poem a lot wispy!!! I've no nits, no advice for edits... just a great big .... perfect as is!!!

[Lokasenna]

Good stuff! It IS dark, but that's a good thing. The darker feelings are woven through with powerful images and startling allusions.

Well done, Wispy!

[paperleaves]

the cynical tone actually had me smirking quite a bit at points. the brevity of some lines like the provocative obscenity of the word "Sh*t" really got me.
thanks for sharing!
love
paper

[AuntShecky]

I Would Not Lie Below.

Let the gods have their Ragnarok and Revelations.
How about I hit you up for a chat tomorrow,
While Yeats' slow beast takes his sweet time,
And we’ll see how much damage we can do to each other's pride,
Until, finally exhausted of laughter,
We’ll picnic in silence
In the concrete park
Where once Eden lay,
Ripe and ready,

Where once Adam slept in Eve’s frail arms
And dreamed of Lilith.


These lines are far, far superior than the lines that preceded them. As a matter of fact they could stand as a complete poem in themselves. Unlike the floaty formlessness in the earlier part of this piece, the images are more concrete, and the metaphor sustains itself.