Insomnia

[drakemortuare13]

Before the sun is up, I awake
Why can't i sleep for Heaven's sake?
Less and less, as I get older,
Insomnia is the demon on my shoulder

Thing I write, are things he says
I write until the start of the days
During sun-lit hours he is silent
But when night falls, he becomes violent

Arousing me from my sleep
I arise, and drowsily creep
Back to my desk to start again,
This old, cold, neverending chain

[armen_r10]

Before the sun is up, I awake
Why can't i sleep for Heaven's sake?
Less and less, as I get older,
Insomnia is the demon on my shoulder

Thing I write, are things he says
I write until the start of the days
During sun-lit hours he is silent
But when night falls, he becomes violent

Arousing me from my sleep
I arise, and drowsily creep
Back to my desk to start again, this old, cold, neverending chain

Hi. Nice poem.
A few sugestions:


Less and less, as I get older,
Insomnia is the demon on my shoulder

1)Because of the comma after "less and less" this two verses imply: As I get older insomnia is "lesser" a demon on my sholder. In other words: as I get older, I suffer less insomnia.
I suggest changing that comma to a period to keep "less and less" more separate with "as I get older, Insomnia is the demon on my shoulder" and thus connect it more to "Why can't i sleep for Heaven's sake?", meaning my sleep becomes less and less.
Hope this made sense, :D.

2)
During sun-lit hours he is silent
But when night falls, he becomes violent

You have a flowing rhyme and rythm in the poem, but this passage cuts that flow. "Violent" does not really match with "silent".
Read the passage aloud.
". . . he is silent . . . he becomes violent". Dunno, I might be too picky, but there is a . . . something there doesn't sound right. Doesn't really matter though, I'm no critic. ;D

keep up the writing

[cogs]

the 'becomes' has the emphasis on the 2nd syllable, and would work better on the first, as in: 'the demon's violent'. i was wondering who 'he' was, and i realized it's insomnia... that's why i referenced demon again as above.

[drakemortuare13]

Thanl you for the tips, I'll keep them in mind. This is my first poem and, ironically, I hate poetry. When I said "Less and less as I get older", I meant that I sleep less as I get older. The break in teh rythm was actually deliberate. I tried to do it several times throughout the poem. The reason being, is that people with insomnia, like myself, tend to have certaion quirks that they nromally wouldn't have. This can be gestures, movements, or breaks in speech. However, this didn't seem to work so well. In any case. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I actually enjoy it.

[Pendragon]

Less and less, as I get older,
Insomnia is the demon on my shoulder


Love the thought of "the demon on my shoulder". For what demon is worse than a lack of sleep?