Need help immediately please!

[miss_cupcake]

Hi there,

I have started writing a short story which needs to be around 1000 words, except I don't think I've set it out properly, in that my beginning is too long. I need it completed by the end of the week. If anyone is willing to help me with it or edit or even help me via MSN it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks heaps!

[1n50mn14]

Post it here- you'll get a lot of helpful critique from some very knowledgeable people. Don't forget to do your part and go comment on others stories!

[miss_cupcake]

Please see below. I'm not sure whether I should start the story from a different point in order to get my 1000 words in. What do you think? Thanks.

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Milan, I knew, was the exciting fashion capital and hub of Italy, with a cultural ambiance and a night life to match. From the gothic spires of the Milan Cathedral to the majestic setting of La Scala, the city stands in all splendour and radiance, while it's classical dishes 'Risotto alla Milanese' and the 'Cassoeula' are enough to make your mouth water. 'Istituto di Moda Burgo', Italy's international fashion school is what brought me to the home of Da Vinci's masterpiece 'Il Cennacolo, The Last Supper', with the hope of gaining the experience needed to make it big in the fashion world. But little did I know, beneath the expensive garments of ‘Versace’ and ‘Armani, lies hidden the racial reality that exists behind the world’s top fashion city’s glittering façade.

I am African-American born with a genetic abnormality called albinism, meaning I’ve got little to no pigment in my skin. My mum was only sixteen when I was born. She did her best to protect me, but I knew early on that I was different. There was a time in fourth grade when I didn’t go to school for a whole week because I was so sick. Fed up of sitting in the shade alone at school, I played all day under the hot sun. As a result, my body started blistering. The complete absence of melanin in my skin means I don’t tan – I just burn, baby, burn. I remember sitting on my dad’s lap one day whilst watching ‘My Girl’ and him sewing together a pair of pyjamas made from one of his old jumpers for one of my white baby dolls. He passed away only five days after. The pyjamas fell apart within a year but ever since, from mixing and matching doll’s outfits to sketching future dream dresses, the world of fashion has always sparked an interest in me.

Tired of feeling like a constant betrayal to my race, I packed my bags and set off to the land where stop signs and cross walks are optional for drivers and where coffee drinking is a normal practice. Upon my arrival in Italy, I had the intention of living ‘la dolce vita, the sweet life’, yet the hospitality I received was no different to what I got back home in Mississippi. Everywhere I went – the piazzas, the grocery store – people stared at me. “Lei è bianca o nera? Is she white or black?”, people would whisper, not knowing that I could comprehend basic Italian. One thing is for sure – Italian’s aren’t afraid to say what they think. My time at the ‘Istituto di Moda Burgo’ was spent counting down the minutes before someone new I met would ask, “Cosa hai agli occhi? What’s wrong with your eyes?” When someone is born with albinism, they are usually declared blind. Though I can see, I have nystagmus which causes my eyes to shift rapidly from side to side in order to find a focal point.

Being the only white person among a heap of beautiful caramel and chocolate skin, I stood out like a needle in a haystack, while going unnoticed by the teacher didn’t serve to make the situation any better. My sketches, it appeared, were not appreciated in all respect. I got the occasional “complimenti, congratulations” from the other students, who were intrigued by my artistic ability, yet the question mark formed by the teacher’s complexion told otherwise, “What chance does a white girl inside a black girl’s body have in this industry?” Eventually, her sole reaction of “Non mi piace, I don’t like it” to my drawings became all too much. I didn’t last a month. Later, I understood what she meant was that it was me she didn’t like.

In a bid to make my experience in Italy worthwhile, I fled to the rolling green hills of Tuscany where walkers enjoy the mountain paths, summer vacationers the sea cost and islands, and where gourmet and wine buffs thrive on the simple yet wonderful true taste of Italy. I saw Tuscany through my own eyes, through the eyes of the widowed Florentine man next door who changed my life for the better. It was he who introduced me to some of the treasures I would otherwise not have been able to discover.

[DanBierce]

This seems like a good start to me, although I don't understand what quantity of words has to do with good writing.

I notice a lot of cliches in this:

"...exciting fashion capital and hub of Italy, with a cultural ambiance and a night life to match."

"majestic setting"

"...the city stands in all splendour and radiance,"

"...enough to make your mouth water. "

"...needle in a haystack..."

"...burn, baby, burn..."

*I think it's much more important to concentrate on the quality of one's writing than how many words are contained in it. Just thought I would pass this thought along.

[Steven Hunley]

You should just overwrite it. we can't tell if the beginning is too long, since we're not sure where it's going. So overwrite it, then when you revise it, edit it without mercy, till you get to your 1000 words. What Dan says is true, your instructor will accept fewer words, (or any amount for that matter) if it is well written. It's quality or quantity in most things in life, no?

[edwardlittle]

I think there's some good enough material there to make it to 1000 with only a little more plot, but you are right that there can't be much more without blowing it out of the water. If you were required to do 1000 words then you are being assessed on your ability to work within those guidelines so while you no doubt can create something very good with more or less, the closer the better. Give or take 100 would be my bet.

And don't be afraid to make changes and/or delete sections and take another path with it. With a specific task you don't always get it first time because your not doing purely what you want as if you had no boundaries.

[edwardlittle]

So overwrite it, then when you revise it, edit it without mercy, till you get to your 1000 words.

This is good advise because then you can 'tone' it and get rid of any excess baggage.