The Process of thoughts

[Alteine]

Hey guys,

I thought I'd try to play with rhythms. This is an experiment of sorts for me.

Enjoy!

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The Process of Thoughts


Buzzards pick at solemn thoughts
That never materialize until they’re
Already deceased

How fitting that a child would cry
For days on end and never
Be noticed by my humble whim

[DanBierce]

Good. Now you might want to concentrate on sound. For example: "That" immediatly after "thoughts" clash, as does "and" right after "end."

Have fun! :)

[Alteine]

Thank you for the feedback! I wrote this one impulse, but should have paid more attention to the way things are said.

Definitely something to watch out for in the future :)

[qimissung]

I think I disagree with Dan. I like the thought imbued in your poem, and the sound of it, too. The two ideas juxtaposed, intriguing.

[Pendragon]

I think it sounds like a wonderful beginning to a much longer poem. You might think about doing that

[Alteine]

Thanks for the input everyone, it's all greatly appreciated :)

While I didn't think about sound of words on this piece, I do agree that some words can be edited/removed to tweak the flow of this poem.

As for the length, it was originally fours stanzas, but I got rid of the last two since I found them excessive. Perhaps I'll add on to this in the future?

Thanks again :D