He left

[Sapphire]

After reading "Sleep now, O sleep now" by James Joyce.

He left.

It is 3 a.m.
and sleep has left
the building

Suddenly

I can smell his odeur
a sweet fragrance
it lingers in the air -

the perfume stayed
the person went

Nostrills vibrate
Eyes stay open
Body restless
mind wandering

Why did Morpheus* leave?

the lack of conversation -
the closed eyes,
the silent treatment?

I wish I had a
spinning wheel
to bring him back
forever

Where did he go?

Getting up
running in the hall
banging on shut doors

Anger all around
no sleep to be found.


And when he came back
he told me
it was all a dream.

*Morpheus is the Greek god of (pleasant) Dreams. His brothers are Phobetor (nightmares) and Phantasos, who produces tricky and unreal dreams. His father Hypnos is the Greek god of Sleep.

It is not quite as I want it, but I can not put to words what's wrong with it. Partly it is the lack of structure, I guess ... It is words thrown on the page :)

[DanBierce]

Good draft. I have a few thoughts for you to use or lose as you choose: ()=Add. []=Delete.

It is 3 a.m.
and sleep has left
the building

[Suddenly]

I can smell his odeur
a sweet fragrance
it lingers in the air -

*"sweet fragrance" and "lingers in the air" are too cliche. I would search for something fresher.

[the perfume stayed
the person went] *We already know this.

Nostrills [vibrate] *I can't picture nostrils vibrating.
Eyes stay open
Body restless
mind wander(s) [ing] *I think it's usually best to try to avoid using "ing" whenever possible.

Why did Morpheus leave? * It's also a good rule-of-thumb to avoid having questions in poems. I would delete the explanation of who "Morpheus" was. Readers should be willing to do a little homework, and as the great poet Archibald MacLeish once said: "A poem that can be improved by its author's explanations never should have been published in the first place."

the lack of conversation -
the closed eyes,
the silent treatment? *Here's another question.

I wish I had a
[spinning wheel]

*I don't understand how a "spinning wheel" could be used to bring someone back.
to bring him back
forever

Where did he go? *Another question. Who is being asked these questions? Are readers supposed to come up with the answers. Better to make concrete statements.

Getting up
running in the hall
banging on shut doors

Anger all around
no sleep to be found.

And when he came back
he told me
it was all a dream.

*Not crazy about the ending. Things turning out to be dreams isn't very original. Remember "The Wizard of Oz" ?

*Anyway; just my take on this. See what others have to say. I do feel the poem has merit and is worth working on.

Have fun!

Dan

[PrinceMyshkin]

Some words may be "thrown" on a page and land very well, as here. I did worry, however, about:



I wish I had a
spinning wheel
to bring him back
forever


which suggests a death-wish, not otherwise hinted at in the poem and (God forbid) not what you intended!

[Sapphire]

@DanBierce
Thank you for all the advices! I will keep them in mind while trying to improve this piece :)

"sweet fragrance" and "lingers in the air" are too cliche. I would search for something fresher.Yes, I feared it would be. I had it "gloaming" in the air, but I guess a smell can't gloam. I think I will throw the next two lines in and mix something else from it all... I get why you say "we already know this" about the perfume and the person gone, but I kind of liked those two lines.

I can't picture nostrils vibrating. I guess you'll have to go to a good, loud rock concert - then you'll feel it :D

*I think it's usually best to try to avoid using "ing" whenever possible. Noted

It's also a good rule-of-thumb to avoid having questions in poems.Interesting view on questions... I do think I've stated too much as a question. But to not put questions in a poem ... I am not sure I agree on that. But then again, rule of thumbs are not to be followed all the time. :p

Here's another question.
Yes... it is not a statement. There is no answer. The I person is very unsure about it all. That is why so much is a question ;) But I guess this could get annoying.

I don't understand how a "spinning wheel" could be used to bring someone back. OOPS! I guess this is proof that I'm not that good at home in the English language yet :lol: I meant spindle, like in Sleeping Beauty :)
Another question. Who is being asked these questions? Are readers supposed to come up with the answers. Better to make concrete statements.There are no answers. That's the whole problem. Someone is gone away, no reason and no warning. This leaves many questions in the air... Could you elaborate a bit on these "concrete statements". Do you mean that when there are questions to be asked, they should be asked about the poem and not in it? I know you haven't said that, but that is what I take from it now - I hope I don't misunderstand :confused:

Not crazy about the ending. Things turning out to be dreams isn't very original. Remember "The Wizard of Oz" ?
Me neither, but it had to end somehow - and dying by lack of sleep and thus sleeping forever would be cliche too... I remember the movie - though it is mainly the red shoes :lol: I don't say it was a dream. I say it is HIS explination. The I isn't sure it was a dream. But I get why you do not read it as such... I'll ponder on it.

@PrinceMyshkin
Not sure why you think of death, but I think it is the forever in combination with the spinning. I meant a spindle :redface: I guess I shouldn't have been listening to this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi9sLkyhhlE) while writing this poem ;)

Thank you both for your reply. Really appreciated

[Pendragon]

My advise: Ignore people who would try to re-write your poem for you. I agree with Jer on that spinning wheel image, but it is an opinion, not something to be construed as a command. Overall, I think the piece stands on its own as a nice poem!

[Sapphire]

@Pendragon
Thank you for your nice words :) Do you think there is still a death reference if the spinning wheel becomes a spindle? For that was how I intended it :redface: But I guess sleep is also a reference to death in the Sleeping Beauty fairytale...

And every comment and suggestion is welcome. It's never perfect ;)

[qimissung]

I thought the spinning wheel was a reference to turning back time, which I liked.

[phoebelll25]

I wouldn't like the poem without the last line.