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DanBierce
09-28-2009, 08:27 AM
Rain won't slow the cell-phoned suits
or pop-and-beer-can scroungers
while cardboard pleas for handouts
compete with potholes
sunk by the jerk and shimmy
of the city's non-negotiable fault.

The boom-bred girl of the corner knows
of no kind monkeys. The one she sticks
into her tattooed ankle
bites and twists. She tilts
back her head, open-mouthed,
tries to tongue drops
of junk-ill sky

as the sidewalk tune of the unknown minstrel
is blown or strummed towards Puget Sound
to be caught in the pigeon's filthy craw,
sucked into a cup of la-dee-da latte,
or falls to the crumbs
of another nice try.

~Sophia~
09-28-2009, 12:37 PM
Hi Dan, what a familiar scene in every big city! Nicely done. I just have one little comment regarding the "kind monkeys". I think that could be stronger somehow. I realize a monkey on the back is cliche but there must be a way to really punch that up since the remainder of the poem really hangs on the drug references.

Other than that "applause".

DanBierce
09-28-2009, 02:05 PM
Thanks for the close read and suggestion, Sophia. I'll mull that over. This poem will go through its share of changes as time goes by.

~Sophia~
09-28-2009, 02:39 PM
Based on your comment on the edit thread, I'm sure it will go through several revolutions (as do mine)! LOL. My suggestion was only intended as food for thought. I like the poem!!

Pendragon
09-29-2009, 07:19 AM
Whoa, the imagery here nearly blew my mind! I wouldn't edit a thing here, I think you have captured the moment very well!

DanBierce
09-29-2009, 08:01 AM
Thanks again, Sophia. All "food for thought" is much appreciated. :)

DanBierce
09-29-2009, 08:01 AM
Thanks, Pendragon. Glad the poem works so well for you.