Review poem and comment as you please. Feedback appreciated

[Juan Parra2010]

Here is a poem I have to submit to my AP literature class. If you have any knowledge of perfect iambic pentameter and the rule of 5 feet and 10 feet, suggestions will be highly appreciated. Hope you all like the poem!

How shall I compare thou cool heart?
When thine words were unspoken;
I believed in the art
Where Love’s virtues remain unbroken.

‘tis Spring and Fall no longer the shrine
But yet I ponder upon new loves a-coming
If purportedly I had already encountered mine,
Perhaps we fly skies with many birds a-humming

Thee shall know where thine heart must belong,
For wooers a-humming are merely a lust:
Thine life must have a complete song
And merely humming shall not captivate your trust.

So long as thou know about true love,
Thou will fly skies free as a dove.


COMMENTS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS WELCOME. I APPRECIATE ANY FEEDBACK THAT YOU HAVE AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME


SUBMITTED BY JUAN PARRA
SENIOR AT MIAMI PALMETTO SENIOR HIGH

[Pendragon]

Here is a poem I have to submit to my AP literature class. If you have any knowledge of perfect iambic pentameter and the rule of 5 feet and 10 feet, suggestions will be highly appreciated. Hope you all like the poem!

How shall I compare thou cool heart?
When thine words were unspoken;
I believed in the art
Where Love’s virtues remain unbroken.


Thee shall know where thine heart must belong,
For wooers a-humming are merely a lust:
Thine life must have a complete song
And merely humming shall not captivate your trust.




COMMENTS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS WELCOME. I APPRECIATE ANY FEEDBACK THAT YOU HAVE AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME


SUBMITTED BY JUAN PARRA
SENIOR AT MIAMI PALMETTO SENIOR HIGH

OK. This should read:

How shall I compare thy cool heart?
When thy words were unspoken;
I believed in the art
Where Love’s virtues remain unbroken.

and

Thou shalt know where thy heart must belong,
For wooers a-humming are merely a lust:
Thy life must have a complete song
And merely humming shall not captivate thy trust.

The problem with using archaic language is to keep it the way it was spoken. Foot and meter is not my strong suit, but I think you have little to worry about there...

Good luck! :wave:

[DanBierce]

instructed to use archaic language I would strongly suggest you lose it. Otrherwise the poem works quite well, IMO.