Five Points - Help!

[Countess]

FIVE POINTS

This concrete condo is not my home
with its asphalt floors and five star rooms
that are chilled by frost in winter.
No leaf bursts forth from beneath the bud,
nor grass-blade grows in the cracks of my
New York city apartment,
for where there is space it is filled
with the marks of man.

But on those days when the grey haze parts
And the sun from its shroud breaks free,
I think of my own lone star,
And of a late night spent in a hot back seat,
of gaping Bud cans, their severed tongues
lost among Big Mac wrappers;
of mud flaps and grease swirls
like the mobius we etched in the
Ball field’s face one rainy eve -

And of the heat-streaked humidity,
And of a speckled diamond sky.

I would tear it up, but I'm not allowed to (it's been submitted to class; now it must be revised).

The last three lines of the first stanza are killing me. I feel like Oscar Wilde: I spent the whole morning adding a comma and the whole afternoon removing it.

[Pendragon]

Try an em dash instead of the comma there, it gives notice of the importance of the next words...

Nice poetry, btw!

[DanBierce]

Fine draft. I have a few thoughts to toss out: ()=Add []=Delete

This concrete condo is not my home
with its asphalt floors and five star rooms
[that are] chilled by frost [in winter].
No [leaf] (leaves) burst[s] forth from [beneath the] bud(s),
nor grass-blade(s) [grows in the] (from) cracks [of my]
(of my) New York [city] apartment[,]
[for] where [there is space it is] (voids are) filled
with [the] marks of man.

But on those days when the grey haze parts
And the sun from its shroud breaks free,
I think of my own lone star,
And of a late night spent in a hot back seat,
of gaping Bud cans, their severed tongues
lost among Big Mac wrappers;
of mud flaps and grease swirls
like the mobius we etched in the
Ball field’s face one rainy eve -

*I think "ball field's should be one word. 'ballfield's'. Not positive, though.
And of the heat-streaked humidity,
And of a speckled diamond sky.

*I would look at the last line closely with an eye for drastic revision. "Diamonds" in skies is cliche-ish.

* Hope some of my comments help with your editing. Just ignore the ones you don't care for. Did enjoy the read. Have fun!

Dan

[PrinceMyshkin]

FIVE POINTS

This concrete condo is not my home
with its asphalt floors and five star rooms
that are chilled by frost in winter.
No leaf bursts forth from beneath the bud,
nor grass-blade grows in the cracks of my
New York city apartment,
for where there is space it is filled
with the marks of man.

But on those days when the grey haze parts
And the sun from its shroud breaks free,
I think of my own lone star,
And of a late night spent in a hot back seat,
of gaping Bud cans, their severed tongues
lost among Big Mac wrappers;
of mud flaps and grease swirls
like the mobius we etched in the
Ball field’s face one rainy eve -

And of the heat-streaked humidity,
And of a speckled diamond sky.

I would tear it up, but I'm not allowed to (it's been submitted to class; now it must be revised).

The last three lines of the first stanza are killing me. I feel like Oscar Wilde: I spent the whole morning adding a comma and the whole afternoon removing it.

Eff Oscar Wilde (not literally cause you're the wrong gender). What comes through for me beyond the killingly apt images is the sheer exhilarated energy of this as if you threw out twice as many images as you put in because you were so eager to make a complete poem of this.

You sin against Whomever every day you avoid writing one of your marvelous poems. :rage: