Loons in Spring

[Zeniyama]

The title of the thread isn't really the title of the poem: this poem's untitled. I just felt that I needed to give the thread a title that would describe a bit of what's in the poem.

A bit of a free-form, stream of consciousness type of poem.

Water's flowing.
Blue waves
always going.

A leaf
tumbles down.

It touches my crown,
and I can feel the gentle swaying of it
in my head.

I whistle a few tunes:
Responses to the loons.

I look to the water,
and I feel them making the waves...

...With their undulating calls...

Another leaf falls,
and I can feel the heat of the day
Slowly fading away...

...Gently falling down...

Like a leaf
playing in the air.

[balehead]

I think you have a really light and uplifting style; your poem brought a smile to my face, and I think inspiring true emotions in the reader of poetry is what all poets should aim for - your poetry is sublime

[Zeniyama]

Thank you. I try to be as sincere as I can in my art, whether it is in painting or verse, or the greatest of all arts (in my opinion): music.

[~Sophia~]

On re-reading your poem and my edit of it this morning I decided I like yours better so, I've taken down the edit. I do think it can be tightened up a bit but overall... it's very feel good (brought back a wonderful memory of a pair of loons that made the water in front of my old cottage their home year after year)

[Pendragon]

A leaf
tumbles down.

It touches my crown,
and I can feel the gentle swaying of it
in my head.


...Gently falling down...

Like a leaf
playing in the air.

I would probably connect these verse, thus:

A leaf
tumbles down.
It touches my crown,
and I can feel the gentle swaying of it
in my head.

and...

Gently falling down,
Like a leaf
playing in the air...

But the poem has a lovely, sprightly feel to it...

[Zeniyama]

Yes, it probably would be better connected that way. When I wrote it that way I was trying to capture the disconnected thoughts of, specifically, me, but more generally the thoughts of somebody with a psychotic disorder.

[dara.cv]

Its amazing the sensations that are transferred in this poem.

I feel dizzy reading this verse:

"A leaf
tumbles down.

It touches my crown,
and I can feel the gentle swaying of it
in my head."

and it is a familiar feeling to feel the escape of the days heat, beautifully related to the object of the leaf:


"Another leaf falls,
and I can feel the heat of the day
Slowly fading away...

...Gently falling down...

Like a leaf
playing in the air"

Overall, the more I read it, the more absorbed into the scenery I am taken and can feel the sensations of what is happening in the scene.

so in less words: koodoos