Gilberto Fernandez - A Short Story. In Need of Immediate Criticism.

[RoCKiTcZa]

This is the final draft of a story I'd submitted in fulfillment of requirements for the creative writing elective I'd taken up in school. I It garnered a score of 99/100, along with comments from my teacher stating that my story deserved a better title (originally it was "A Star In Action," sucks I know; blame it all on its being a product of four-in-the-morning rationalization, which, as we all know, isn't quite as efficient as thinking of a title earlier on) and that all ellipses which were present in my first draft ought to be eliminate. I took his suggestions, including that of introducing a certain character in the beginning instead of (only) towards the end. If you read my story, you'll manage to get what I mean. :D Am simply posting this here so that you guys might be able to comment on it, and mainly to find out if my title is fine. Note that this story is cultural to some extent, so I'm warning you right now about words that may seem unfamiliar -- they pertain to either Filipino or Chinese society. I would've written in a more generic/Western context had we not been required to theme our stories for Filipino readers; I'm just glad I managed to pull it off (or so my teacher says I did). ;) I assure you, however, of the readability of this story, and that it may be read (and understood) by anybody. The manuscript is comprised of fifteen pages, definitely not too long, I hope. Comments on the various technical aspects of the story are all I seek; however, constructive criticism on its plot will be very much welcome as well. Enjoy reading, and have fun stating your opinions ;)

Btw I totally forgot to introduce myself. It's me, Rockitcza. I used to be an active member of this forums a couple of years ago, back in 2007 when I was a mere high school freshman. Now I am a junior, and still a huge fan of literature (hence my choice of elective) :D This will be my first post on the forums in several months, and I really am excited for my possible return :) However, I'm afraid this won't happen just yet, due to the weight of our workload. Still, I look forward to being active on the boards once more; hopefully come summer vacation (if I don't find myself too busy studying for college either). :D

[selkies]

This is the final draft of a story I'd submitted in fulfillment of requirements for the creative writing elective I'd taken up in school. I It garnered a score of 99/100, along with comments from my teacher stating that my story deserved a better title (originally it was "A Star In Action," sucks I know; blame it all on its being a product of four-in-the-morning rationalization, which, as we all know, isn't quite as efficient as thinking of a title earlier on) and that all ellipses which were present in my first draft ought to be eliminate. I took his suggestions, including that of introducing a certain character in the beginning instead of (only) towards the end. If you read my story, you'll manage to get what I mean. :D Am simply posting this here so that you guys might be able to comment on it, and mainly to find out if my title is fine. Note that this story is cultural to some extent, so I'm warning you right now about words that may seem unfamiliar -- they pertain to either Filipino or Chinese society. I would've written in a more generic/Western context had we not been required to theme our stories for Filipino readers; I'm just glad I managed to pull it off (or so my teacher says I did). ;) I assure you, however, of the readability of this story, and that it may be read (and understood) by anybody. The manuscript is comprised of fifteen pages, definitely not too long, I hope. Comments on the various technical aspects of the story are all I seek; however, constructive criticism on its plot will be very much welcome as well. Enjoy reading, and have fun stating your opinions ;)

Btw I totally forgot to introduce myself. It's me, Rockitcza. I used to be an active member of this forums a couple of years ago, back in 2007 when I was a mere high school freshman. Now I am a junior, and still a huge fan of literature (hence my choice of elective) :D This will be my first post on the forums in several months, and I really am excited for my possible return :) However, I'm afraid this won't happen just yet, due to the weight of our workload. Still, I look forward to being active on the boards once more; hopefully come summer vacation (if I don't find myself too busy studying for college either). :D

I found it rather dull. I got as far as the conversation between the father and son after the car crash. Then I just had to stop and it didn't seem to be going anywhere.

I didn't like the mother, she didn't seem real, a bit like an evil cartoon character.