Called "John's Cell", Very short, needs Validation

[selkies]

There were times that he believed that walls could not hold him. They couldn’t. He couldn’t escape and it had nothing to do with his walls.

Sometimes he would leave; sleep was kind of like day release when he dreamed. The nights when the heights shone at their brightest, right through the ceiling and shut eyes.

He’d wake up exhausted and know that he had lived.

John studied the alarm clock. It was still beeping. The sound echoed from the dream still fading. By the time he left the domicile it will have faded completely. Such was his drive not to be late for work again.

The screen of the computer reminded him that he was distracted. Mind was not focused on the task at hand and John feared the consequences. Funny how it became so late so quickly. A moment ago he was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror making sure he was still 23, good looking and healthy as anyone who eats microwave dinners can be.

And it was lunchtime, his favourite time of the day. Time to smile at the receptionist, and the other one, the one who wasn’t young and pretty. Make some mistake, look too long and you’ll be internally kicking yourself the whole way to the food... food glorious food. Crap I looked too much at the pretty girl, now she thinks I’m some sort of pervert, no wonder she didn’t want to sit beside me on public transport. What do I care I’m not even attracted to the attractive, and what would I say to her? Maybe I could tell her that I only seek her company because it would validate my assumed identity. I’m sure she would be greatly amused, just like the last one, who runs from me.

John paid for his food, he disliked the woman who served him his sandwiches. They all made the experience so impersonal but she, the harridan sneered through every moment of her service. He was afraid of her, afraid she might expose him for the man if you could even call him that so out of touch with the plight of the working man (real one) or woman (doubly real because of) love, which they seem to give on short term lease.

Back to the desk, it was time to be distracted again, but first, the food that we all craved. Man we were hungry. The belly screamed from below and the mouth eagerly prepared, too eager but that’s what napkins are for. It was a good time, I enjoyed myself, John enjoyed himself and no one else was there.

Time to create something. Feel validated. This is what artistic license was all about. Create or it expires. Renew renew renew, this is the first day of my life and look, see what I’ve done, see it there made by me gripping you to your core. Look at it, it wants you to look at it when it moves you. Are you moved? Don’t worry there are plenty more. Many to choose from. None as good or as inspired as this.

Boss is impressed. The impression is clear, paranoia is cloudy.

Happy are those that are happy.

End

Start

John stared in at his reflection, he no longer saw the 23 year old boy but a man.

John was happy, he didn’t worry so much about losing his hair as when he still had it, and he often stared at the pretty girls twice as long as it would take them to pass comment.

John was a homeless man, he was free to wander through the garbage heap of life and find the hidden treasures buried there. He slept at bus shelters and had acquired a connoisseur’s taste for soup.

John had nowhere to go, nothing to do and his beard often scared small children, yet he was happy.

Greatest recommendation for a nervous breakdown you’ll ever meet.

And he’ll sing and dance for a dollar.

[selkies]

Can someone please critique my work. If you liked nothing about what I wrote then please say so.

[catatonic]

Stylistically it's impressive -- from 3rd to 1st person, the staccato rhythm of the latter allowing for bold and swift transitions.

Substantively it might be a little jarring, but I think get it. A no frills look at a boy becoming a man, no?

[OrangeDuck]

I liked it. It was a little hard to grasp at first, perhaps you could have allowed yourself a few more words to flesh it out. The focus was a little confusing. I couldn't tell if you were making a point or just exploring the character.

Either way, it was a good read and I really enjoyed the evolution of the story reflecting the boy to man thing. There is a nice little click when you finally get it.

[selkies]

OK before I go to answer what you've said it may be any idea to explain what I was going for here, I didn't before because I wanted to see people's reaction first.

It's all about me. It's how I feel right now.
I'm 23.

The goal was to describe how I feel, why I feel this way and ended up simply describing my day in the way that my mind works.

The main character doesn't say anything to anyone. There is no dialog, there is no implication of speech. It's all about what is going on in "his" head.

There is no moral or point to the story. It's an experience that has been written down.

When I END, it means that the story has ended, maybe even crashed like a computer program. Frozen in time, then started again many years later.

The idea in this part is that "he's" happy, but he has lost everything he had before, his dignity, his hair, his wealth and his mind.
That idea just opens up so many thoughts, I could probably talk for an hour on that bit alone, but I'll let you think instead.

Now to answer your responses:


Stylistically it's impressive
Thanks, I've written some poetry, a lot of what I've written I've taken across in short story writing, unfortunately most of what I've written in poems I've lost so I can't give you proper comparison.


-- from 3rd to 1st person,
Yes, I think that is partly because in my mind, (I'm not sure if this is normal) thoughts often operate like a conversation. So I could have two trains of thought one as me and the other as an external entity. Both are still Stephen but distinct. I also felt it made it a little more inside the mind like.


the staccato rhythm of the latter allowing for bold and swift transitions.
Not sure what you mean by bold and swift transitions, can you elaborate.

The rhythm is most down to the fact that I'm unhappy with my day. The major events have been somewhat scarring. I want to get through it quickly, also I feel it gives it the sense that everything is extraordinary.


Substantively it might be a little jarring,
Yeah I'm not sure if that is a problem. Sometimes I think I should be more clear, sometimes I think that if I made it any more simple or easy to understand I'd lose some of the atmosphere in what I'm writing. Maybe I need to find a balance or try every extreme and see which one I like best.


but I think get it. A no frills look at a boy becoming a man, no?

Nope. The last part has a large element of that but it's not that focused. You could say it shows you how a really boring day can also be stressful or it's just something to relate to in terms of how minds work. The story covers a good few things in almost equal measure. Try to think of it as the experience of being inside my head for a few minutes. (Lucky you)


I liked it. It was a little hard to grasp at first, perhaps you could have allowed yourself a few more words to flesh it out. The focus was a little confusing. I couldn't tell if you were making a point or just exploring the character.
I was more exploring than making a point, what would have made that more clear. What helped you consider that possibility and what made you doubt it?
Any more information on this point would be greatly appreciated.

[NickAdams]

He slept at bus shelters and had acquired a connoisseur’s taste for soup.

This sentence is great. Although, I'm not sure if one would sleep at or under a bus shelter. I particularly like: " ... had acquired a connoisseur's taste for soup." It's a very rich detail. Of course it doesn't work without the first half, because there is not implication of a soup kitchen without it.

[AuntShecky]

"You know I'll stop reading your short story when..."
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=657830#post657830

"Show, don't tell":

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29321


Cheap advice:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31750&highlight=Cheap+advice

[catatonic]

Not sure what you mean by bold and swift transitions, can you elaborate.

You employ a lot of phrases, or even a word to stand as a paragraph, instead of complete sentences. The effect is like a pivot which allows for a quick transition to the next movement of thought.

[Delta40]

I got the impression from your natural flow that the person at the end, was somehow older, used and no longer held by the ideals and constraints that the 23 orignally was. you said homeless and I think the reader can translate your final statements as being released from commitments or bound by what he may have felt once he broke free.

I am aware that you are specific in so many other things throughout and your end can read in an explanatory abrupt style. I tend to go for the obscure and look for meaning and I enjoyed the ending more in this way.

[selkies]

You employ a lot of phrases, or even a word to stand as a paragraph, instead of complete sentences. The effect is like a pivot which allows for a quick transition to the next movement of thought.

can you give examples?

[selkies]

This sentence is great. Although, I'm not sure if one would sleep at or under a bus shelter. I particularly like: " ... had acquired a connoisseur's taste for soup." It's a very rich detail. Of course it doesn't work without the first half, because there is not implication of a soup kitchen without it.

thanks for the comment.

Do you think that in needs more enrichment or are you just pointing out it's strengths?

[selkies]

"You know I'll stop reading your short story when..."
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=657830#post657830

"Show, don't tell":

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29321


Cheap advice:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31750&highlight=Cheap+advice

If you give this advice to every new person then thanks, very helpful.
If I have fallen down on something in particular would you be kind enough to point it out to me?

[OrangeDuck]

I was more exploring than making a point, what would have made that more clear. What helped you consider that possibility and what made you doubt it?
Any more information on this point would be greatly appreciated.

I think in any story about finding happiness there is a focus on what has changed (what events have happened) to bring the happiness. The end clearly has a positive tone, where as the beginning seems lacking of any romance and maybe seemed a little bitter. Perhaps a few more telling memories at the beginning would have explored the character, more so than a sort of comparison of events.

[selkies]

I think in any story about finding happiness there is a focus on what has changed (what events have happened) to bring the happiness. The end clearly has a positive tone, where as the beginning seems lacking of any romance and maybe seemed a little bitter. Perhaps a few more telling memories at the beginning would have explored the character, more so than a sort of comparison of events.

I'm about to contradict you here but this is me only asking to elaborate further not simply to prove you wrong.

But surely the end part only describes a set of circumstances. The beginning describes a way of living, mostly in fear!

[catatonic]

There were times that he believed that walls could not hold him. They couldn’t. He couldn’t escape and it had nothing to do with his walls.

Sometimes he would leave; sleep was kind of like day release when he dreamed. The nights when the heights shone at their brightest, right through the ceiling and shut eyes.

He’d wake up exhausted and know that he had lived.

John studied the alarm clock. It was still beeping. The sound echoed from the dream still fading. By the time he left the domicile it will have faded completely. Such was his drive not to be late for work again.

The screen of the computer reminded him that he was distracted. Mind was not focused on the task at hand and John feared the consequences. Funny how it became so late so quickly. A moment ago he was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror making sure he was still 23, good looking and healthy as anyone who eats microwave dinners can be.

And it was lunchtime, his favourite time of the day. Time to smile at the receptionist, and the other one, the one who wasn’t young and pretty. Make some mistake, look too long and you’ll be internally kicking yourself the whole way to the food... food glorious food. Crap I looked too much at the pretty girl, now she thinks I’m some sort of pervert, no wonder she didn’t want to sit beside me on public transport. What do I care I’m not even attracted to the attractive, and what would I say to her? Maybe I could tell her that I only seek her company because it would validate my assumed identity. I’m sure she would be greatly amused, just like the last one, who runs from me.

John paid for his food, he disliked the woman who served him his sandwiches. They all made the experience so impersonal but she, the harridan sneered through every moment of her service. He was afraid of her, afraid she might expose him for the man if you could even call him that so out of touch with the plight of the working man (real one) or woman (doubly real because of) love, which they seem to give on short term lease.

Back to the desk, it was time to be distracted again, but first, the food that we all craved. Man we were hungry. The belly screamed from below and the mouth eagerly prepared, too eager but that’s what napkins are for. It was a good time, I enjoyed myself, John enjoyed himself and no one else was there.

Time to create something. Feel validated. This is what artistic license was all about. Create or it expires. Renew renew renew, this is the first day of my life and look, see what I’ve done, see it there made by me gripping you to your core. Look at it, it wants you to look at it when it moves you. Are you moved? Don’t worry there are plenty more. Many to choose from. None as good or as inspired as this.

Boss is impressed. The impression is clear, paranoia is cloudy.

Happy are those that are happy.

End

Start

John stared in at his reflection, he no longer saw the 23 year old boy but a man.

John was happy, he didn’t worry so much about losing his hair as when he still had it, and he often stared at the pretty girls twice as long as it would take them to pass comment.

John was a homeless man, he was free to wander through the garbage heap of life and find the hidden treasures buried there. He slept at bus shelters and had acquired a connoisseur’s taste for soup.

John had nowhere to go, nothing to do and his beard often scared small children, yet he was happy.

Greatest recommendation for a nervous breakdown you’ll ever meet.

And he’ll sing and dance for a dollar.

I highlighted where I found the transitions bold and swift.

Again I'm impressed by your incorporation of sentence fragments to give the story a sense of impetus and propulsion which would not have been there had you gone the conventional route.

[NickAdams]

thanks for the comment.

Do you think that in needs more enrichment or are you just pointing out it's strengths?

It's just something I appreciated. I feel the author knows best. I'm not much of a formalist, so I couldn't tell you the strengths.