On the platform: a passing freight train

[TheFifthElement]

Shunted air
breaks the stillness like the first
moan of a storm;

breaking, like life’s thin shell:
birth, death, the middle bit
it somehow comes to this –

a freight train in the distance
(coming closer)
vivid as the dawning of a lightning shattered sky
(coming closer)
as the quietly weeping rails begin to sing
(coming closer)
as the trackside debris rises like a miracle
(coming closer)
the shocked air lifting, tugging, tugging, pulling me in -

then it hits

with its trucks and trucks and trucks and
trucks and trucks and trucks and trucks and
trucks and trucks and trucks and trucks and
trucks and trucks and trucks and trucks.
Yellow as the fields.
Yellow as a child’s love.
Yellow as fear.
Yellow as the sun.
Beating like life.
Beating like war drums.
Beating like time.
Beating like violence.
Strong as my dreams.
Strong as the ocean.
Strong as belief.
Strong as devotion;

and I’m caught in the irresistible force
of its wake, sliding
to the edge of the platform
the bold wind embracing me, taking me up.

[firefangled]

I admire the sheer physical presence in this. I never experienced a mid-life event (other than to be in mid-life), but I have been a close witness to it and your metaphor is very apt.

The enitire second half of this is a risk that I think pays off and for that I would suggest omitting the parenthetical staging that comes before. In my opinion the poem does not need it and would read better without it; we would feel more the power of the approach by the quick succession afforded. The parenthesis slow this down, which defeats what you were obviously trying to achieve.

What I read as acceptance in the ending is so brief and perfect in its simplicity and urgency. There is no internal debate, no questioning, as if the "I" in the poem knows there is no use in either.

Well done and so good to read you again, Fifth!

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks firefangled :) I've struggled with this one; it doesn't seem to want to settle down. Your comments on the parentheses are valid, I think. I may take them out. Thanks for your considered thoughts.

I'm not having a mid-life crisis. I just spend a lot of time on railway platforms :D

[Lynne50]

Love this poem Fifth, but I was a little confused by the lines starting with yellow. IMHO, I think they slow the poem up a bit and really were not needed to make the impact that you achieved. I love train platforms, too, and can identify with the poem ,how it feels when a train is approaching.

[~Sophia~]

I'm guessing the freight cars going by are yellow or have yellow containers loaded on them. I actually like the "yellow fever" in those lines and the overall "chug-a-chug-a" feel of the poem. Nice job!

[qimissung]

You nailed the the sheer physical presence of the train, the sound as they come storming into the station, the whooshing of the brakes, the rhythmic chugging as they roll along, and the provoking way they have of encouraging us to think.

[illuminatix]

Simply brilliant, bravo!