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View Full Version : A short narrative, would greatly appreciate any criticism



SupaStudy
08-30-2009, 05:46 AM
“If coffee be the drink of life, drink on.”

The airs of pomposity and forced resignation flooded the café in a near-impenetrable haze. Left of the counter, a wall housed a mosaic of past beatniks who’d made history through ventures of no particular importance. It seemed that in an act of defiance, the room’s lights were absurdly bright, though only barely fracturing the stereotype of yet another coffee shop, and the image of children like myself who would flood to it for refuge. It was too early for a crowd, but late enough where the few occupied seats were adorned by would-be professors typing furiously on laptops. With equal fervor, I drank heavily from a large no-named coffee mug. Every few moments the stool I sat upon tipped uneasily at notice of its one leg whose length had come up comparatively short; the thumps of its inevitable fall and rise stuttered awkwardly as a languid and aged woman placed herself atop an adjacent bar seat.

Leaning stoically against the auburn table top, the woman’s face sagged across the traces and routes time had long since drawn. Her body was skeletal, skin flaccid; several hoop bracelets balanced loosely on her wrists, clanking with each movement. Her mid-length grayed hair pulled up in a ponytail, held by a gold clawed clip; her clothing a casual dress, black and tightly fitted. Despite such a palette, her image was not morbid, nor frightful, instead, irreverent. Tapping her fingernails across the rim of the table, she idly stirred her coffee, her moot expression unchanging.

It was then I noticed the troubling placidity of the café. She had sat so close to me, yet we had not formally acknowledged each other’s existence, and now a veil of silence hung around us both. It was maddening, of course she had some purpose in coming so near, and her demeanor was inexplicably unaware. For my sake at the least, I had to speak.

“Hel-“

The first syllable had only just graced my lips as she took her first gulp of the coffee. Her eyes widened and she turned to me with a pursed grimace. Erupting into a fit of coughing, the recently consumed coffee poured from her mouth onto the table’s wooden finish. She struggled to regain both breathe and composure whilst the tell-tale signs of age revealed themselves. Her face did not show embarrassment, but instead only mild defeat. A torrent of nausea took control, my new found need to be away from this woman mounted.

I’d thought it better to leave immediately, and I only partly regret the decision. A sour taste had permeated my mouth as I’d risen from my broken throne. Stepping towards the exit I’d made certain not to look back. Maybe, coffee just wasn’t my kind of thing.

NickAdams
08-30-2009, 11:03 PM
I thought it was well written. I believe that cliches and idioms are fine for first person narratives, so "veil of silence hung" and "graced my lips" are fine in this context. Beyond the incident itself, I think the narrators telling of it gives the reader a good idea of who he is. It seems as if he would be at home sitting next to those "would-be professors". He reminds me of the groups that I often find in coffee shops, with all of the venom, the sound and the fury.

I wonder why the woman would gulp a coffee she had yet to sip, or maybe that was the cause of her reaction. Does the release of something consumed imply vomiting?

The only thing that rings false to me is the last line: "Maybe, coffee just wasn't my thing." It doesn't seem like the conclusion the narrator would have come to after reviewing the incident, but you know more about the character than I do.

I hope this was helpful.

Steven Hunley
09-04-2009, 12:00 PM
It was interesting reading something 21st century written in a 19th century style. I'll wade through R.L.Stevenson for himself, but not for you. It's simply too wordy for a 21st Century reader. Like Nick says, provide a better reason for leaving the place, and to make it interesting, you could mix every other sentence or paragraph. One paragraph like Hemingway, short and declarative, the next like Stevenson, wordy and full of adjectives. (is that crazy or what?) Trust Nick, and keep drinking that coffee!

SupaStudy
09-06-2009, 08:41 PM
I'm incredibly thankful for both of your responses, it definitely was helpful.

Right now I'm a 12th grader taking AP English; the assignment was to write a short narrative under 500 words inspired by the quote "Be not afraid of greatness," from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Don't worry, I posted this after I'd turned it in, was just hoping for some critique as our teacher doesn't return our writings.

What I'd hoped to do was be a bit ironic and mock the piece (in good humor). The title is an allusion to the first lines of the play, and is supposed to hint at the idea of coffee being what is stifling life. The speaker is one of those teenagers (i fall in and out of this stereotype depending on the company) who thinks artsy-fartsy is unique and the true path of life. He is sitting drinking his coffee when this old woman hipster walks in and sits next to him. She is supposed to represent a warning of his future. The speaker thinks she is pretty cool and finds himself enthralled by her, which is expected seeing as she is proof that he can be "cool" and live this coffee lifestyle even when hes older. He has been sitting in this over-done coffee house sipping coffee thinking he is all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips, but right when he goes to connect with this woman, she coughs up her coffee (the coughing from old age). He realizes here that she is not perfect, and this coffee-lifestyle will never make her that way. Even in old age she has progressed in life just as far as him, sitting at the back of a coffee shop with a blank expression. This makes the character disillusioned and he walks out disgusted by coffee. The idea is that if "coffee" inhibits life (greatness), that to be not afraid of greatness would be to run away from the coffee shop in search of bigger and better things. The writing is supposed to mock the stuck up perception of the speaker, being overly wordy and kind of obnoxious to read, and the last sentence where the characters view is supposed to have changed is short and informal, i wanted to hint at that character change.

------------------
whew, now that that's over with,

@NickAdams
-Ive never even thought about the use of cliche idioms, guess that just shows how inexperienced I am =p. Now that you've noted it I cant help but notice how they stick out like sore thumbs.
-Rereading it I do see that it gets very unclear as to what the source of her coughing is and why the speaker reacts in that way. I will definitely try to work on this vagueness.
-The last line is kinda "meh," isnt it? I guess I'll just have to work out the right feel for this kind of stuff.

@StevenHunley
-Agreed. I may had intended for it to sound pompous, but looking over it a week later I really do see how, despite that, I still over-did the writing way too much. I was a bit complacement when writing, because I hadnt for a moment thought about the readers view of the 19th/21st century mix. I think the readers understanding is something I will focus on much more in future attempts.

Sorry for such an annoyingly long reply =P, I really appreciate both of you reading the narrative and giving your suggestions/insight. I think I over thought this, and while I had good intentions, it became crappy. I'm young though; i need to give time for my current skill-level to catch up with aspirations.

NickAdams
09-08-2009, 07:02 PM
I think it works in developing the narrator. The 19th/21st century mix says something about him. I never got the impression that he thought she was cool, nor that he dug the scene. The opening description made me think the character had contempt for the place, so I didn't get the character arch. He seemed the same in the beginning as he did in the conclusion. I think the idioms work fine in this context; it gives the reader and idea of what this guy may do outside of the story, or what he might read.

I think that, "Stepping towards the exit I’d made certain not to look back," is a fine conclusion.

selkies
09-12-2009, 09:44 PM
I think the main failing of the piece is that it starts middles and ends in the same place. Please point out the part where the main character expresses an opinion that is positive of the "artsy fartsy"...

What's I liked is that your first person narrative is trying to reveal the underbelly of pretension all the while being written in the most pretentious style available to you. If that was If that is intentional I suggest you hang a lantern on it.

Steven Hunley
09-12-2009, 10:36 PM
As Nick says develop your character a bit, and show a change. Like show him really enamoured with the coffee-house lifestyle, then rejecting it in the end just like you did. And keep that last line. Your teacher is, by not passing the stories back, being lazy and probably not proofreading them. But, here's an idea. Take the 19th century style, with all it pomposity and wordiness, and after a few sentences, put in a twenty-first century sentence. (like after describing your character, then put he was all that and a bag of potato chips) like a translation. This could be really effective. Now, after I've found out you're a senior in high school, I know it must be an AP class. You're that smart. Keep on scribblin'.