There's no I in T.E.A.M

[dara.cv]

He didn't leave me much.
Just a legacy of discipline,
a disposition of obedience,
and an expulsion of my self.
I was replaced by us,
and now we've parted.
How can lessons be learned
within total trust?"
When I was rid of my free will,
what have I accomplished or gained
since
for myself?
All I have now is my vulnerability
and desire to return
to Dear Ol' Uncle Sam.

[PrinceMyshkin]

How can lessons be learned?

Is a powerful provocative question and everything before and after that has a natural, irresistible flow but I was left in a state of uncertainty about the reference to "Uncle Sam." I had not previously seen this as a political poem.

[dara.cv]

Hi PrinceMyshkin, Thanks you for your comments.

perhaps, i should change this, to allow the poem to have an open ending for people's own view and perception. but originally my inspiration was my dad, being a part of the navy and carrying on his duty as our father. we were strictly disciplined and molded into little soldiers :) so i tried to focus on the dissolution of the self in the military and it's after effects after one is discharged. the climatic questions thus refer to how can someone learn anything if if everything they do done in total trust and left unquestioned within themselves. the second question is to emphasize the confusion that occurs when you are no longer with the military and are no longer part ofa "troop", team, squad,etc anymore. so the close is to verify the feeling that instead of seeking out for themselves new paths, they return to the gov.

hope that clarifies.

maybe ill give a go at some editing to make my message more pronounced. otherwise leave it a little more open. any suggestions towards either these goals?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi PrinceMyshkin, Thanks you for your comments.

perhaps, i should change this, to allow the poem to have an open ending for people's own view and perception. but originally my inspiration was my dad, being a part of the navy and carrying on his duty as our father. we were strictly disciplined and molded into little soldiers :) so i tried to focus on the dissolution of the self in the military and it's after effects after one is discharged. the climatic questions thus refer to how can someone learn anything if if everything they do done in total trust and left unquestioned within themselves. the second question is to emphasize the confusion that occurs when you are no longer with the military and are no longer part ofa "troop", team, squad,etc anymore. so the close is to verify the feeling that instead of seeking out for themselves new paths, they return to the gov.

hope that clarifies.

maybe ill give a go at some editing to make my message more pronounced. otherwise leave it a little more open. any suggestions towards either these goals?

If I'd been more imaginative in my reading of the title I might have been better prepared to read this as you intended. Your explanation makes it an even more powerful poem than when i thought it was about the dissolution of a romantic relationship. Maybe if you changed the title to "Captain Dad" or some other military title?

[billl]

I understood what the poem was getting at. The punctuation on the 6th, 7th, and 8th lines threw me off though. But I figured it might be intentional.

I thought it was a good poem for highlighting the concept of "oneness" (and its costs) in a particularly sophisticated light. I know how I would punctuate it. :)

[dara.cv]

Prince, I didnt even think of it that way, but now that i read it in that context it totally does resemble a ended relationship. Wow, that makes me even fonder of it. It was a huge part of my fathers life, and he was more devote to the navy than my mother, hence their divorce. And now that he is ex-military- in many ways he has mal adjusted. I know at times he misses that life. Well, i changed the title, i hope this better fits the poem. thank you for this recommendation. I do admire your works and so your words.


Bill- please do tell

[billl]

It wouldn't make the poem better, but

"...and now we've parted,
how can lessons be learned
within total trust?"

I actually liked the other title more, though, or at least how it brought individuality vs. "group-mentality", and the habits necessary for each, to the forefront.

[blazeofglory]

This poem has some substance that moves the reader

[firefangled]

I read the poem first, the commentary later. In its present state, I think it states quite clearly what you intended. My father and stepfather, both now deceased, were ex-military and I was raised in the same fashion. The message came through loud and clear.

I do agree with billl's note on punctuation, though.