Sleep deprivation is inspiring lol

[MissLiz]

I think this qualifies as free form but I'm not sure.
If you'd like to give me any pointers I'd appreciate it :)


The smell of sulfur fades
as I breath in deep relief
A wall of flowing slate
reflects off morning light
cascading into sullen shades
found in the depth of shadow
my way has been made overcast
clouds hang around my head
coiling from my torches ember
writhing in the breeze
evanescent dancing
as I exhale it's reprise

[Nick Capozzoli]

I think this qualifies as free form but I'm not sure.
If you'd like to give me any pointers I'd appreciate it :)

Nice! But what about tweeking it thus, to make a
meter clear:

The smell of sulfur fades:
I breathe in deep relief
A wall of flowing slate
Reflects the morning light
Cascading into shades
In a depth of shadow;
My way made overcast--
Clouds hang around my head.
My coiling torch's ember
Writing on the breeze,
Evanescent dancing
as I exhale, reprise

Just a suggestion.:nod:

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think this qualifies as free form but I'm not sure.
If you'd like to give me any pointers I'd appreciate it :)


The smell of sulfur fades
as I breathe in deep relief
A wall of flowing slate
reflects off morning light
cascading into sullen shades
found in the depth of shadow
my way has been made overcast
clouds hang around my head
coiling from my torches change to "torch'sember
writhing in the breeze
evanescent dancing
as I exhale it'sshould be "its" without the apostrophe: "it's" is the contraction of it is reprise

I've presumed to make a few grammatical corrections above but have left the punctuation (or lack of it) alone. I think the poem would read more clearly if there were the occasional punctuation mark and maybe a line space here or there.

Apart from that it's a fluent, strong poem.

[MissLiz]

Thanks guys, I was really out of it when I wrote this so I didn't bother too much with punctuation at the time, it still needs an edit or two lol

[DanielBenoit]

I love the hyper-sensory feel underlying each word. It's interesting how a series of perfect words organized in the right order can make the rhythm of a poem.
It don't know, I just thought of this while reading your poem.

[Helga]

I like it, flows nicely..