Please critique viciously

[Manchegan]

The following is the opening I just wrote to a graphic novel whose script is a whopping 72 pages. I'm guessing that'll translate into about 3-4 hundred pages of illustration. In order to chop that down a bit, I'm thinking of doing this chapter intro's in a style similar to Don Quixote. Do you think it works? The language of the novel is crude, but its ideas and charactrers are deep, so i think these intros, written in a more elegant style, will help readers take the content more seriously. So how do you like it? would you keep reading? does the repetition of sentences starting with "He" work?

Act 1
Chapter 1: Donald’s Wake


Donnie’s funeral was well attended, as he was known and respected by many. The day was bright and blue but still morning, so the air was still cold and the grass was still wet. His casket lay open while several of his friends recounted the impact he’d had on their lives. No one said a word about his death.
Donnie was charming and funny, sarcastic without being cruel. He went to every concert that he could. He was reliable. He worked hard. He surfed. Years of bobbing in the waves had left him patient, clear-headed and content. He was life itself epitomized. He had been. He wasn’t any longer.
The suits and black dresses, the procession, the words of Father Mersh - they worked like magic to punctuate his story. The finality was palpable. Donnie was dead.
For those closest to him, there was no moving on or returning to any normal life. He was central to their daily habits. Everything was forever changed, as evidenced by the following encounter between his best friends and a beggar, which occurred immediately after the burial.

[LMK]

Is this a new character? A new series?

Act 1 followed by Chapter 1, is this to say that a chapter will be composed of many scenes or do you use the Chapter/Scene concept as one?

The use of 'he' so does work it makes it somewhat stilted which is how one might expect a loved one to speak about a close friend/relative who just died. It is like trying to convince oneself that it is true, but not personalizing it so that it is yet believed or accepted, just known. So, yes, for me, it works well.

However, some of the cliché’s of 'gee what a great guy he was' doesn't invite one to read on. 'Attending every concert, he was reliable'...yada yada yada... some of it is implied and unnecessary; while some of it tells us about Donnie and adds to the narrative.

I offer the following edit...a bit rearranged...a few tweaks, but mostly just a change of order, some for impact, some for flow, some for white space, but mostly it's just this writer's opinion.

One comment, the use of the word magic with regard to the priest's words; is this foreshadowing of actual magic or was it used simply for emphasis. If the latter might I suggest something like;
The words of Father Mersh – were a sobering punctuation to his story, and the finality was palpable. Donnie was dead.


Hope this is helpful.
~L

Act 1

Chapter 1: Donald’s Wake


The morning was bright and blue, the air still cold, the grass still wet, and the casket lay open. Several of his friends recounted the impact he’d had on their lives; though, no one said a word about his death.

The suits and black dresses, the procession, yes, Donnie’s funeral was well attended; he was known and respected by many; he was charming and funny, sarcastic without being cruel. He surfed, and years of bobbing in the waves had left him patient, clear-headed and content. He was life itself epitomized.

He had been. He wasn’t any longer. The words of Father Mersh – they all worked like magic to punctuate his story, but the finality was palpable. Donnie was dead.

For those closest to him, there was no moving on or returning to any normal life. He was central to their daily habits.

Everything was forever changed, as evidenced by the following encounter between his best friends and a beggar, which occurred immediately after the burial.

[Manchegan]

Thanks LMK! I was thinking no one would reply for a minute there. This narrative would be be the opening of the book, which is divided into 3 acts, each act composed of several chapters. So after a bit of dialogue, there would be another bit of narration, under the heading Act 1 ch. 2. and yeah, scenes and chapters are sort of synonomous here.

The magic part does forshadow later events, so i think i'll keep that, but i will trim out the cliches, like in your example. the reader never actually sees Donie, so I wanted to put some character traits in there, but I guess I should go the hard route and bring those traits out via the effect his absence has on the surviving characters.

[LMK]

Well, I think you are accomplishing what you are setting out to create. Keep us posted on your progress.

~L

[libernaut]

i would put the first sentence in a few sentences later.

[Manchegan]

i would put the first sentence in a few sentences later.

I liked that as the opener...but do you have a reason it should be moved? I'm willing to consider of course

[LMK]

I'm wondering if you read my entire post.

I agree with libernaut and if you look at my edit of your text you'll see that I rephrased and re-ordered it as a suggestion.

You ask why, and this writer's opinion is for impact and flow.

Read my rewrite/reorder and let me know what you think (it's below the blue colored font).

~L

[Manchegan]

I did read the whole thing, and liked parts, but the way you introduced what was my opening line:

"The suits and black dresses, the procession, yes, Donnie's funeral was well attended...."

was too conversational in style for my purposes. The whole rest of the story is told via dialogue, so i want these introductions to be more objective and distant, as a sort of counterweight. Do you think it jumps into it too quickly to open with the Donnies funeral line? I could go with the scenery description...

[LMK]

Ok, so are you looking for kind of a ..."meanwhile back at the ranch, the last time we saw Doc Wilkens...." kind of a style? a voice-over giving background, not necessarily an omnipotent narrator type of introduction/break in the dialogue, is that right? What comes to mind for me, and I know I'm dating myself here, is from the television show Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, where Gary Marshall has his hand over his ear like an old radio announcer.

If so, there is nothing wrong with what you’ve written. If you don’t need the reader to feel that… OMG, someone died, kind of jolt then you are not looking to write with impact during this portion of the story, that will come in the dialogue.

The other comments about the description were again more for the reader. I just thought that telling readers it’s daytime and then to clarify that its morning could be done a bit more smoothly, but go ahead and start with the funeral line. Act I, Chapter I, Donnie’s Funeral…Take1 etc. That keeps the tone in that style metioned earlier (sans the 'Take 1' of course...or not depending on how you are writing it).

If I'm missing this still, please let me know. I admit it is not my usual genre, but it is interesting to think outside one's comfort zone sometimes.

~L