Translation & Poetry

[Chester_100]

The process of globalization has brought the necessity of devising a more comprehensive “contrastive analysis” with respect to literature.

Due to the massive diversity existing in various languages, it’s not always easy to reproduce a literary text suitably in the target language. What we need, in reality, is a system of interaction that covers matters like collocation, grammar, functions, and more importantly the emotion lying behind the literary works.

I’d personally like to work on poetry more extensively; this excerpt from the Educated Imagination clarifies the reason to some extent:

“If literature is to be properly taught, we have to start at its center, which is poetry, then work out to literary prose……The most primitive nations have poetry”.

Please, read the following piece; there are some points following it regarding the classical procedures that a translator usually follows to discover the best choice through consultation with the natives.
In the future, we may compile some useful wealth of information, collecting the material in posts like this, for the advantage of those concerned with such issues and for those conducting research.




Lovingly



But a short slumber is this world,
In the distance between Sin and Hell.

The sun
Rises like a curse,
And the day,
An irrecoverable shame.

Oh!
Ere I burst into tears,
Say Something.

The trees
Are the sinister ignorance of the forefathers,
And the breeze,
(is)A cursed temptation,
The autumnal moonlight,
(is)A blasphemy befouling the world.

Say Something!
Ere I burst into tears,
Say Something.

Every window of wrath
Opens toward the perspective of a chastisement,
Love
Is some repugnant filthy moisture,
And the sky,
A covering arbor
For you to kneel on the ground,
Shedding tears for your destiny.

Oh!
Ere I burst into tears,
Say Something,
Whatever it may be!

The streams
Flow forth with coffins,
And the unkempt mourners are the honor of the world.

Sell not your chastity to the mirror,
For the adulterers are in need more.

Rest not in silence,
For the sake of God,
Ere I burst into tears,
Say Something
Of love.

-Is this piece correct regarding grammatical rules usually used in English literary texts? Is the emphatic structure in the fist line correct? Is the following alternative acceptable?
- Short a slumber is this world.(???)

-One of the prominent lines that the poet repeats is “Ere I burst into tears”;
The original (source language) phrase allows us to think of more imaginative metaphors like:
Ere I am drowned in tears. This metaphor (drawing a parallel between a sea and one’s tears) can be deemed to be authentic in English, considering the following line:


Then can I drown an eye (us-us’d to flow)
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 30, Line 5



-Some of the collocations may seem to be original like “window of wrath” or “perspective of a chastisement”. Knowing the fact that they are original, can you think of some other words more suitable for such phrases with respect to English collocation rules? Something like “window of ire”, for example.

-The poem is designed to convey the impression that the poet is through difficult times, witnessing morbid pictures. How much do you relate to it?

-I hope translators dealing with literature, with the help of teachers, develop a good grasp of the complexities behind the surface structure of English poems in long run.

-Feel free to post anything regarding the structure or the general or specific message of the poem or anything you find necessary. I’ll embrace your suggestions and views.


Thank you.

[March Hare]

whoops

[March Hare]

"But a short slumber" is the better of the two, I think. Maybe substitute "Just" or "Only" for "But"


"Irrecoverable" doesn't seem the right word. "Unredeemable" maybe


I think "burst into tears" is better than "drowned..."


"Sinister ignorance of the forefathers" might need rewording


the is's are unnecessary


Punishment or abuse instead of "a chastisement"


"destiny" works but "fate" might be better


"For the adulterers are in need more" should be
"For the adulterers need it more"


"For the sake of God" sounds more poetical but "For God's sake" is more colloquial and sounds more urgent.


Good idea for a thread. I'm currently reading Latin American poetry in translation. Sometimes the English just doesn't ring true. It would be nice to bounce the poems off of contemporary native speakers to see how they would read it.

I like the poem. Who wrote it?

[Chester_100]

Dear March Hare,

Thank you very much,
This poem was originally written by a contemporary Persian poet, maybe to criticize the social and political status of his country in 1960s. There are some other poems in that collection that I may post as a basis for translation practice.

I’m glad you liked it, and that’s the true reason why people are willing to share their views with each other, and, of course, why we need reliable rules for translation.

Good Luck,
Chester

[Albion]

Without benefit of the original text it is difficult to offer authoritative advice; (but thank you for using initial capitals on each line).

1. "In the distance between Sin and Hell" might be "In the space between Sin and Hell"

2. And the day,
An irrecoverable shame
Do you need a verb?

3. (is)A cursed temptation
You need "is" because the number has changed. The breeze is singular.

4. "Is some repugnant filthy moisture" seems antagonistic to the general tenor of the poem (and I do not recognize the relevance of "moisture" to "Love"). Possibly substitute "a" for "some".

5. "Ere" is an honourable word but may be considered too old fashioned
for a contemporary poem. Try "Before".
"Drowned" is a good word here. Alternatively,
"Before I dissolve into tears" perhaps (but "dissolve" is gentler than "burst"
"Before I shed my tears" perhaps (but "shed" is less emphatic and you have used "shedding" below).

6. You give a capital letter to "Something"; normally it would take only lower case. You drop the exclamation mark from the second "Something". Should you also drop it from "Whatever it may be!"?

7. "ire" is good but old fashioned. "Window of rage" perhaps.
An old fashioned word for "Window" is "Casement"

8. perspective of a chastisement
Possibly drop "a" (but I notice you have matched the syllable count in the equivalent lines elsewhere).

9. "Irrecoverable" could be "irredeemable"

10. "For the adulterers are in need more" possibly "For the adulterers are in greater need"

11 " Are the sinister ignorance of the forefathers " seems impersonal. Possibly "Are the sinister ignorance of our (or their) forefathers"