Help!

[chispa]

I wrote a poem in english and I would like someone to check my writing.....thank you!

[mono]

I would love to help. Please post the poem, and I will attempt my best editing. :)

[chispa]

Thak you mono I wait for your comments...... :nod:

I walked smiling
after your words
and some men looked at me
wanting to talk to me
but I did not care
because my smile was for that thought
of you.
I wondered now
About “love” and “to be in love “
and the fine line
between them.
I love you,
yes
I love you,
because you make me smile
and laugh and feel happy.
I do not want to cross
the line
that would carry me to bondage
to you

[mono]

I walked smiling
after your words
and some men looked at me
wanting to talk to me
but I did not care
because my smile was for that thought
of you.
I wondered now
About “love” and “to be in love “
and the fine line
between them.
I love you,
yes
I love you,
because you make me smile
and laugh and feel happy.
I do not want to cross
the line
that would carry me to bondage
to you
Very well done, chispa. I see no grammatical errors whatsoever. In most free-verse poetry, in my opinion, punctuation seems optional (not required). Otherwise, the poem may look something more like this, though the poem needs no punctuation if you choose:


I walked smiling
after your words,
and some men looked at me,
wanting to talk to me;
but I did not care,
because my smile was for that thought
of you.
I wondered now
About “love” and “to be in love,“
and the fine line
between them.
I love you,
yes
I love you,
because you make me smile,
and laugh, and feel happy.
I do not want to cross
the line
that would carry me to bondage
to you.
In lines 15 and 16, when you list: "because you make me smile, and laugh, and feel happy," the 'and' before 'laugh' also seems optional, but I rather like that word being there - an artistic kind of addition that makes the poem flow almost musically.
Regardless, chispa, you wrote a beautiful poem. :)

[Nightshade]

I think it is a great poem chipsa and like momo said grammer is optional in poetry only I personally would make it the thought of you rather than that thought of you. Though actually both are correct I think but they give slightly different slant to the poem.
Still I think its a great poem.

[chispa]

thank you mono for your help....ask me for spanish help whenever you need.... ;)

and thank you nightshade for your words....... ;)

after re reading it I was doubtful about the word "fine" and change it for thin..
is that better?

[Scheherazade]

Moving this thread to Personal Poetry section, where it might get more viewing.

[chispa]

(A new version)

I walked smiling
after your words;
some men looked at me
wanting to talk to me,
but I cared not,
because my smile was for the thought
of you.
I wonder now
about love, and how to be in love,
and the line between them.
I love you,
yes,
I love you;
you make me smile,
laugh,
you make me happy.
And I do not want to cross
the thin line
that would carry me in bondage
to you.

[Koa]

i somehow liked the first version better - maybe cos i'm for as little editing as possible. Especially the bit about love and being in love...I also think that the 'line between them' needs an adjective, cos that adds much more power to it... though I share the doubts about the 'fine line'. It sounds wonderful but I'm not sure which implications of meaning it might have... (not a native English myself)

Strange how a poem containing the line 'I love you' can be so good :)

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celebration time: this is my 2000th post :D :banana:

[chispa]

thank you Koa and congratulations for your 2000 post :nod: