Keltic Banshee
05-23-2005, 06:04 AM
She lied still in bed, hidden under the fresh cottong sheets, watching some candles spread around the room slowly burn. Her eyes lost in the small flames that lit the room, she left her thoughts wander in another attempt to solve the huge turmoil that raged inside her and threatened to make her drown in herself, while part of her wondered if it was worth the effort... if it wouldn't be better to just close her eyes and let the storm drown her...
She tried to find words to describe her feelings, hoping that understanding them would help ease the pain they caused her. Yet, once again, she failed. She felt trapped between her painful past and her frightening future, unable to get a grip on her slippery present, and thus she was drifting away from her own life... and had no strenght left to try and save herself... It had been so easy when there was someone by her side... Perhaps he was right and he only walked with her through life... but she felt lifted, she felt safe... and she had a reference point, a certainty, that helped her carry on and find her way...
Then suddenly her seemingly perfect world was shattered when he walked away... No, she mumbled, not then... She could have taken that, after all, feelings had no lifelong warranty. What she could not take was feeling he was hiding things from her... Perhaps he was telling her the truth and he only needed some time to gather his own self before thinking of perhaps going back to her, but she couldn't help feeling he was lying... bluntly and simply lying... That was the feeling that was destroying her... trying to understand how someone who once could walk to the sun and back just to make her smile could lie to her like that... or at least hide from her in such a way to make her feel he was lying... making all her hopes and feelings look like the biggest mistake in her life... A mistake, she knew, she ,once again, wasn't going to learn from it.
She gave a heavy sigh and closed her eyes, concentrating on her inner world, facing her fears and all the decisions she never dared to take, and that life kept placing in front of her once and again... She felt unsure, unable to tell whether she might had found someone willing to take care of her and help her through this hell she was living or she was just too desperate and thus seeing what she wanted to see instead of the truth... unable to tell if the warm feeling inside her was something real or just her old fear to loneliness telling her to grab the first hand ready to save her from her turmoil... It was too warm not to be real, yet she knew she couldn't exactly trust her feelings in moments like these. She was afraid of hurting herself again, as she had done many times before when trying to escape from loneliness... but she was even more afraid of hurting someone else... especially someone who seemed to be sincerely reaching out a hand to her...
She left her soul wander, as she had done many nights before... she left it fly and pleaded that it would find the one meant to walk with her for the rest of her life, before she decided that life was not worth the effort to be lived and retreated again to her shield, armour and mask... In a way, she knew she was already hiding behind them, trying to hide from the world to spare herself the pain yet wishing that someone would save her, as she seemed unable of doing so... but there were still little cracks in her armour that would take her time to seal, through which life, and perhaps love, could sneak and drag her outside again...
A silent tear rolled down her face as she sat on the bed and blew out the candles... All she ever longed for, all she ever prayed for, was loving and being loved... The rest of her life could be built once she found her haven, her soul mate... and nothing she could build on her own would make sense without that person by her side. She was so tired of being hurt... She cuddled in the sheet and hugged her pillow, missing the warmth of a real hug, the calm brought by a tender caress and the feeling of safety she found when feeling confident enough to cuddle up with someone for the night...
Suddenly she trembled... as if an invisible finger had just softly and unsurely caressed her soul, as if not very sure of what it was doing... As she fell into a dreamless sleep, she couldn't help wondering if it had been someone trying to reach her and calm the storm inside her... or just another one of her vain hopes trying to keep her alive and out of her hiding places for another day...
Her last thought before finally falling asleep was the same as all nights before since the first lie pierced her heart... "if you're willing to save me, just hold my hand... hold my hand and let your soul speak... save me before i hide from myself again..."
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I gave up writing long stories quite some time ago... now my main aim is to write short scenes like this one, and concentrate on showing emotions and inner worlds instead of action...
With that in mind... oppinions, comments, suggestion, critics and all that welcome
She tried to find words to describe her feelings, hoping that understanding them would help ease the pain they caused her. Yet, once again, she failed. She felt trapped between her painful past and her frightening future, unable to get a grip on her slippery present, and thus she was drifting away from her own life... and had no strenght left to try and save herself... It had been so easy when there was someone by her side... Perhaps he was right and he only walked with her through life... but she felt lifted, she felt safe... and she had a reference point, a certainty, that helped her carry on and find her way...
Then suddenly her seemingly perfect world was shattered when he walked away... No, she mumbled, not then... She could have taken that, after all, feelings had no lifelong warranty. What she could not take was feeling he was hiding things from her... Perhaps he was telling her the truth and he only needed some time to gather his own self before thinking of perhaps going back to her, but she couldn't help feeling he was lying... bluntly and simply lying... That was the feeling that was destroying her... trying to understand how someone who once could walk to the sun and back just to make her smile could lie to her like that... or at least hide from her in such a way to make her feel he was lying... making all her hopes and feelings look like the biggest mistake in her life... A mistake, she knew, she ,once again, wasn't going to learn from it.
She gave a heavy sigh and closed her eyes, concentrating on her inner world, facing her fears and all the decisions she never dared to take, and that life kept placing in front of her once and again... She felt unsure, unable to tell whether she might had found someone willing to take care of her and help her through this hell she was living or she was just too desperate and thus seeing what she wanted to see instead of the truth... unable to tell if the warm feeling inside her was something real or just her old fear to loneliness telling her to grab the first hand ready to save her from her turmoil... It was too warm not to be real, yet she knew she couldn't exactly trust her feelings in moments like these. She was afraid of hurting herself again, as she had done many times before when trying to escape from loneliness... but she was even more afraid of hurting someone else... especially someone who seemed to be sincerely reaching out a hand to her...
She left her soul wander, as she had done many nights before... she left it fly and pleaded that it would find the one meant to walk with her for the rest of her life, before she decided that life was not worth the effort to be lived and retreated again to her shield, armour and mask... In a way, she knew she was already hiding behind them, trying to hide from the world to spare herself the pain yet wishing that someone would save her, as she seemed unable of doing so... but there were still little cracks in her armour that would take her time to seal, through which life, and perhaps love, could sneak and drag her outside again...
A silent tear rolled down her face as she sat on the bed and blew out the candles... All she ever longed for, all she ever prayed for, was loving and being loved... The rest of her life could be built once she found her haven, her soul mate... and nothing she could build on her own would make sense without that person by her side. She was so tired of being hurt... She cuddled in the sheet and hugged her pillow, missing the warmth of a real hug, the calm brought by a tender caress and the feeling of safety she found when feeling confident enough to cuddle up with someone for the night...
Suddenly she trembled... as if an invisible finger had just softly and unsurely caressed her soul, as if not very sure of what it was doing... As she fell into a dreamless sleep, she couldn't help wondering if it had been someone trying to reach her and calm the storm inside her... or just another one of her vain hopes trying to keep her alive and out of her hiding places for another day...
Her last thought before finally falling asleep was the same as all nights before since the first lie pierced her heart... "if you're willing to save me, just hold my hand... hold my hand and let your soul speak... save me before i hide from myself again..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I gave up writing long stories quite some time ago... now my main aim is to write short scenes like this one, and concentrate on showing emotions and inner worlds instead of action...
With that in mind... oppinions, comments, suggestion, critics and all that welcome