Insomnia (New idea)

[sc9108]

Hi all,

(Sorry I haven't been commenting on any stories recently,
will be this week !, I have been a bit busy.)
This is a story line I'm currently working on please let me know what you think,


Its about a young teenager who is waiting to go to college and is unsure if he'll get in or not, He has a bad case of insomnia over the stress of the not knowing if he will get in college.

All his friends are in college so he feels a bit lonely and doesn't have much to do with his time.

One night when he can't sleep he decides to go for a walk really early hours in the morning when its still dark, He meets a girl who is sitting waiting for a bus and he talks to her,,,,,


And thats it ! ,,,, for now I am still thinking it up I may change it again not to sure, But would like your thought as I always really appreciate them !.

I only thought this up today and I'm gonna turn it into a script for college so any advice will help :).

Thanks

Sean.

[sc9108]

**FIRST SCENE**

(Filmed from other side of the road)
Chris walks down the street drinking a can of coke,
He walks near a bin and finishes his drink then walks a bit further and walks in a door,
(Film the sign Connexions)



Brenda ''So then Chris how are you ?'' (Big smile then turning to some papers on her desk)

Chris ''Erm I'm good thank you, How are you ?''

Brenda ''Right'' (Not paying attention looking at papers still)

Brenda '' ,,, So then,,,,''(Shifts paper looking for name)

''Chris Hopefully we'll be finding a job for you then,'' (Looking up false smile)

Chris (clears throat) ''Erm yes,, yeah''

Brenda ''Well then ,,how exciting''

(Looks at papers more)

Brenda ''Hm ,,,''

Chris sits looking nervous

Brenda ''Ah,,,,''

Brenda 'Right ,,, okay then ,,, so , you'll be studying full time at college in September is it ?''

Chris ''Erm well ,, maybe,, erm I'm still waiting to see if I've got a place or not''

Brenda ''ah right ,,, okay so is it more temporary work your looking for ?''

Chris ''Yeah''

Brenda ''hm ,,Well I'm afraid we haven't got many vacancies for temporary work,, at the minute,, hm,''

(Looks for a CV form)

''Okay if I give you that,,,, take it home and fill it out,, When your done if you pop it in the post for me ,, then I can add you to the database ,, then when we get a suitable vacancies we'll let you know''

Chris ''Okay,,, thank you'' Smiling disappointedly

Brenda ''I think thats about all I can do for you at the minute ,, I have your details if you can just check to make sure their right ,,,''

(Passes paper)

Chris ''Yeah their fine,''

Brenda ''Okay so we'll send out the vacancies we do have and if there is any you'd like to apply for let me know,'' Smiling

Chris ''Okay''

Chris stands up and walks towards the door,

Chris ''Thank you''

Brenda ''Good bye Alan'' smiling

Chris '',,,,,,Bye''

[sc9108]

Hi again,

Connexion if you didn't know is like a place to go if your looking for a job and are under the age of 25?? :S I think.

Hope to hear back from you !.

[sc9108]

No takers ? :(

[sc9108]

Is it really that bad cause I'm worrying about handing it in now lol !

[jack_is_cool]

Hey. I'm not at all familiar with script writing, so I couldn't really comment on that as such, as it would be entirely from a prose perspective, which wouldn't be right. If script writing isn't different grammatically from prose, then there's a few errors. I'll need to double post, but I'll fix all the grammatical errors I find! I know you were probably looking for creative feedback, but sorry, it really isn't my area. I can say, though, that the premise is brilliant. It would absolutely be something I'd be into!

[jack_is_cool]

**FIRST SCENE**

(Filmed from other side of the road)
Chris walks down the street drinking a can of coke,
He walks near a bin and finishes his drink then walks a bit further and walks in a door,
(Film the sign Connexions)



Brenda ''So then Chris, how are you?'' (Big smile then turning to some papers on her desk)

Chris ''Erm, I'm good thank you. How are you?''

Brenda ''Right...'' (Not paying attention looking at papers still)

Brenda '' ...So then...''(Shifts paper looking for name)

''Chris. Hopefully we'll be finding a job for you then.'' (Looking up false smile)

Chris (clears throat) ''Erm, yes... Yeah.''

Brenda ''Well then, how exciting.''

(Looks at papers more)

Brenda ''Hm...''

Chris sits looking nervous

Brenda ''Ah...''

Brenda 'Right, okay then... So, you'll be studying full time at college in... September, is it?''

Chris ''Erm, well, maybe... Erm, I'm still waiting to see if I've got a place or not."

Brenda ''Ah, right... Okay, so is it more temporary work you're looking for?''

Chris ''Yeah.''

Brenda ''Hm. Well I'm afraid we haven't got many vacancies for temporary work, (Pause, distracted), at the minute, hm.''

(Looks for a CV form)

''Okay, if I give you that take it home and fill it out, When you're done, if you pop it in the post for me, (Pause, distracted), then I can add you to the database, then when we get a suitable vacancies we'll let you know.''

Chris ''Okay... Thank you.'' (Smiling disappointedly)

Brenda ''I think that's about all I can do for you at the minute... I have your details, if you can just check to make sure they're right...''

(Passes paper)

Chris ''Yeah, they're fine.''

Brenda ''Okay, so we'll send out the vacancies we do have and if there is any you'd like to apply for, let me know. (Smiling)

Chris ''Okay...''

Chris stands up and walks towards the door.

Chris ''Thank you."

Brenda ''Good bye, Alan.'' (Smiling)

Chris ''...Bye.''

---

Sorry I couldn't mark the corrections in red, I editted it in wordpad.

The main problems are your punctuation; namely commas, ellipses and full stops. You quite often placed commas where there should have been full stops, to form an ellipsis. You also put more than three; an ellipsis should always be only three full stops. There was one or two times you confused their and they're (or something like that).

Well, that's about it for the grammar! Hope I helped!

[sc9108]

Sorry I didn't see the other post lol.

Thanks Jack ! :) really helpful, I always black out when writing scripts on the first draft I always get really into the story and it all goes ! :).

Thanks again and look forward to speaking to you again soon.