Joy ride

[Sapphire]

I have had this one on the shelf for quite a while now. It is not as I want it, but I don't know what to change. Criticism is much appreciated!

I need a ride

WE really need to
get into
gear now
- the right one

It is so confusing

Steering wheel

I called shotgun
But I did not know
the rules

So it all turned in
to rock, paper, scissors

Lets wrestle for the keys

Snatch the shining metal*
and drive

I will take the boat
Next time

Drifting

Not so young
just reckless
afraid to run out of fuel

* I had "keys" instead of shining metal, but I can't use keys twice. I need some sort of metaphore here, and shining metal is not it :rolleyes: I am still thinking ;)

I believe the main problem is that it is not really a "unity". It's just thrown together ... And it definitely lacks direction :p Maybe I should do something with the theme "direction" next time :lol:

Edit Maybe the start should read:

WE really need to
get into
gear now

Pick the right one
forward
- clutch

It is so confusing
(etc)

Not sure what that "steering wheel" is doing there either, but for some reason I can't get myself to take it out :brickwall

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have had this one on the shelf for quite a while now. It is not as I want it, but I don't know what to change. Criticism is much appreciated!

I need a ride

WE really need to
get into
gear now
- the right one

It is so confusing

Steering wheel

I called shotgun
But I did not know
the rules

So it all turned in
to rock, paper, scissors

Lets wrestle for the keys

Snatch the shining metal*
and drive

I will take the boat
Next time

Drifting

Not so young
just reckless
afraid to run out of fuel

* I had "keys" instead of shining metal, but I can't use keys twice. I need some sort of metaphore here, and shining metal is not it :rolleyes: I am still thinking ;)

I believe the main problem is that it is not really a "unity". It's just thrown together ... And it definitely lacks direction :p Maybe I should do something with the theme "direction" next time :lol:

Edit Maybe the start should read:

WE really need to
get into
gear now

Pick the right one
forward
- clutch

It is so confusing
(etc)

Not sure what that "steering wheel" is doing there either, but for some reason I can't get myself to take it out :brickwall

Yes I prefer the revised opening but as for the thrown-together quality you're worried about, I think it's just right for the helter-slelter of the persona's emotions.

[Mathor]

Lots of imagery of driving, is this something of your personality, does much of your life revolve around driving?

[Pryderi Agni]

Good compo, and conforms to the laws of poetry in blank verse. Good job!

[Sapphire]

@PrinceMyshkin
Thank you, I had not looked at it in that way yet. Helter Skelter... I really like that expression (and the song by the Beatles covered by U2, but that is another matter :lol:).

@Mathor
Not really - I just really, really enjoy driving a car :D I do not have one myself and as I live in a relatively densely populated area I don't need one to get around either. Public transport is very easy over here. I really like to drive - though I hardly get to do it. :brickwall

@Pryderi_Agni
That is quite a surprise. I think I should read those "laws" :) Thank you for your kind words.