Loss

[Delta40]

I catch the train these days. It’s so much more sophisticated than a bus. This mode of travel is spacious, smooth and it transports me to my destination with the minimum of fuss.

There was a time when I gazed outward and watched the world as it passed by. I would drink in the landscape as I translated its texture into meaning and harmony. The music that flowed through my headphones gave rise to the various moods and oh how the Swan River changed each day!

Now, as the train zooms along, my head stays bent down like all others, nose in a book – more often scanning the phone for the latest world news.

A famous pop star died
Woman found murdered
Teenagers die in collision

I miss the river and the different ebbs and flows that I find there when I look outwards. I can’t remember when I started looking down as more and more people came on board. Once, and this was some time ago, I studied them but nobody ever looked my way. There was an amazing amount of visual space between us on the train – where we are all so tightly packed, pushed up against one another, our fresh body smells tantalising in the morning. Sweaty and balmy in the afternoon.

Nobody sees each other. The river gushes, rushes by. Not even I notice anymore.

I knew somebody once and it was on the bus when I looked outward that I thought of them often. In the sky at night underneath those twinkling stars, riding home as the bus reached the crest of a hill, I could see the town miles away and the industrial area where he lived, blazing in the far distance. My love and tears travelled there to the sad music playing in my ears.

A man broke into an old woman’s house and bashed her for her purse.

The train makes my journey so impersonal, without purpose or meaning. It seems like the other passengers are like me too. They don’t want to feel.

I don’t know why but I guess it is the time of day but people who catch trains look richer and dress better. They look like they come from a more opulent background. I wonder about happiness and love and security though. Does a nice suit equal a nice life? One can search faces for clues but as everyone blankly stares away into their virtual visual space – where nobody else exists, it’s hard to tell. Does her Daddy love and cherish her? Does he come from a two parent family? What is her story and am I the only one who is faking it on this train?

Woman jailed for fraud


I don’t think any of this is real but trains have been around for so long. So has the river. Somebody died and when the storms started the river banks broke and caused a lot of problems. The train actually slowed down. The water has been gushing and it is a mighty force. That is what I hear. I still keep my head down, even though we move at a snail’s pace along the track.

Over 30 years, the river won’t flood – at least I don’t think it will. It has dried up in the awful drought and festered with mud pools and rich insect life. Now it has too much water. Environmentally, it probably needs more life tending to it. It is a shame that another life integral to its survival and development has already become extinct.

I’m on the train now. I left a platform to go to a destination that I’m not looking for. Outward, that is. Because I don’t catch the bus anymore. He doesn’t live in the far distance either.

Man dies and finds peace

Perhaps some day soon, I’ll look out of the train and see the river instead.

[prendrelemick]

Ok I'm not too sure what is going on, but your writing is astonishingly good, probably the best you have posted on here. I love the mood and the tone of voice, the observations and the progression of thought, the headlines are a nice touch too. A very skillful piece of work. Are you pleased with it?

I shall reread it a few times, I'm sure I have only noticed half of what you intended.

[Delta40]

Thank you prendrelemick. I am trying to convey a sense of loss - what it entails, in an abstract way. This is my first draft and I would appreciate any feedback.

[prendrelemick]

The only thing I would suggest is that it is a bit too abstract. But I wouldn't change much.

[JacobF]

I agree, the abstractness detracted from the story. It made it overly sentimental. However, I love the way you signified the news headlines, and the narration was spot-on. Nice to see you posting on this board again.

[Delta40]

Thank you so much for your input.

In terms of too abstract, do you think the reader should have an inkling or is it enough that they are affected in some way by a piece of writing? I suppose, an effect of this abstractness is to leave the reader feeling like there are 'loose ends'. Does that make sense? This, I think is a part of loss.

Jacob I am interested in what you mean by overly sentimental.

[MorpheusSandman]

My interpretation is probably off, but I see it being about the balance between self-interest and outside interest. The depiction of being so 'inside' yourself while on the train, countered with the observance of other people and the river. It dries up, and people don't take notice until it floods over and then concerns them. Eventually things just become 'scenery' and there is some kind of loss there when beauty and wonder fades to routine. It's certainly very richly poetic.

Anyway, it's a beautiful piece, with a very dreamy rhythm that's nicely punctuated by the inclusion of the headlines. The abstractness doesn't bother me at all, and I also don't find it sentimental; perhaps nostalgic, but not sentimental or maudlin.

[Delta40]

That is a very interesting interpretation, Morpheus. Thank you.

[prendrelemick]

You see, I saw it different than Morpheus, as though the river became a metaphor for the woman's condition, all that flooding and drying up.

That could be a positive thing- that different people read it differently- but in answer to your question, yes I think the reader should have a bit more of an inkling. That is just my opinion, I would hate you to change it and spoil it, but I like to have a narrative path through a story.

[Delta40]

The river is a metaphor. It relates to uncontrolled weeping and an inability to mourn.

[JacobF]

Jacob I am interested in what you mean by overly sentimental.

I may have been too quick to claim that, but for some reason whenever I read "I miss..." I get the face-in-hands feeling that it's going to be dreadful. Obviously, that wasn't the case here, as your writing was actually quite sincere throughout the piece, but I did feel that particular part, and the "oh how the Swan River changed" gave off a bit of gush.

I read it again this morning, and I really appreciated the underlying message this time. It's a simple observation that extends to an entire culture and their lifestyle -- things of astonishment are replaced by convenience.

[Delta40]

lol. I see. I looked outward and responded to my environment. Then I looked downwards at technology.

[MorpheusSandman]

I should say that part of my interpretation was especially inspired by a striking train scene in an episode of a series called Neon Genesis Evangelion in which the protagonist, in the act of running away, tries to leave on a train and we get this really long take of him sitting by himself, listening to his music, and life going on around him and him being oblivious to it (a visual representation of the episode's title/theme: "Hedgehog's Dilemma"), so ever since then I've always associated trains with this kind of loneliness and introvertedness. The tone of this actually reminds me of a Hou Hsiao-hsien film (and he actually main a film called Cafe Lumiere with a strong train motif) with its emphasis on the aesthetic of intangible loss, sense-memory, and how that relates to the world around us.

[Delta40]

Thanks Morpheus. I think my daughter has the series somewhere. Trains do have this element of loneliness and introvertedness. Each time I board one, this sense of heightened individuality - isolation is evoked within me. The scene is set for yet more observation, possible interaction - but always reflection.