jtm2292
06-27-2009, 09:35 PM
Hi everyone, I am new to these forums. I actually posted this somewhere else, and I need more help finding the answer. I am new here, its nice to meet everyone.
I often find myself in this melancholic fork between pragmatism and aestheticism. I want to devote most of time to read on foreign languages , histories (art, world, etc.), and sacred, esoteric writings. I think, dream, and search for a light that I find in new age spirituality... a sort of strange limbo where I gravitate toward Buddhist writings and find peace in Abrahamic scriptures. I feel as if I take the path of Thoreau, live a contemplative life in Walden, and think simplistically, I will find the answer to this pull that I feel deep inside. I imagine symbols found in science fiction... of swimming in space, of Greek entablature on distant planets, of utopiastic lights that levitate near Heaven's Gates. I feel like I want to discover trails of stardust that make a path into a castle in the cosmos. I want to take time out of my life to understand the love and infinity of Christ, and I want to have the patience of a monk who meditates in the company of nature. I want to taste the myrrh of a magical tree in Middle Earth, and swim underwater into a beautiful city filled with trees and sapphires that decorate the upholstery of buildings. I want to fly over cities and into the stratosphere and see the cotton balls of clouds and dandelions that levitate in the air. I want to learn every language on the planet... so that I may understand every human being on Earth. I want to understand a person's perspective deeply who lives in a vastly different culture than myself.
Then, seconds later, I have this cognitive rewind into the Present. I drift back into reality, of whom I appear to others, to my parents, to my family and friends, and the actions that I have already made while on this planet. I synthesize some formula for my purpose in life based on all of these environmental factors, and come to the conclusion that my purpose in life is to be successful financially and have a great career. This sector of my mind is devoted to the study of the sciences, particularly the natural and social sciences. In the dullness of chemistry and biology, I find no purpose, no intrigue (mind you, this is me, I know many who do find their dreams in these disciplines)... yet I am positively sure that I will have survival if I choose this path of scholarship.
The problem is that I don't know which path to choose for the rest of my life. If I choose the first path, my heart tells me that I will be satisfied, because its the direction toward the answer, the light. Yet, I know that there will be heavy, deep psychological stigma from the friends and family who will see me as a worthless bum, who can't support himself financially. If I choose the second path, this won't be the case, but I won't be at peace with myself, and I will forever have the melancholic depression that I detest more than anything in this universe. And I know that I cannot partition my time evenly between the two paths, because I will fall into dilettantism and will never truly find the answer.
Please help!
Jon
I often find myself in this melancholic fork between pragmatism and aestheticism. I want to devote most of time to read on foreign languages , histories (art, world, etc.), and sacred, esoteric writings. I think, dream, and search for a light that I find in new age spirituality... a sort of strange limbo where I gravitate toward Buddhist writings and find peace in Abrahamic scriptures. I feel as if I take the path of Thoreau, live a contemplative life in Walden, and think simplistically, I will find the answer to this pull that I feel deep inside. I imagine symbols found in science fiction... of swimming in space, of Greek entablature on distant planets, of utopiastic lights that levitate near Heaven's Gates. I feel like I want to discover trails of stardust that make a path into a castle in the cosmos. I want to take time out of my life to understand the love and infinity of Christ, and I want to have the patience of a monk who meditates in the company of nature. I want to taste the myrrh of a magical tree in Middle Earth, and swim underwater into a beautiful city filled with trees and sapphires that decorate the upholstery of buildings. I want to fly over cities and into the stratosphere and see the cotton balls of clouds and dandelions that levitate in the air. I want to learn every language on the planet... so that I may understand every human being on Earth. I want to understand a person's perspective deeply who lives in a vastly different culture than myself.
Then, seconds later, I have this cognitive rewind into the Present. I drift back into reality, of whom I appear to others, to my parents, to my family and friends, and the actions that I have already made while on this planet. I synthesize some formula for my purpose in life based on all of these environmental factors, and come to the conclusion that my purpose in life is to be successful financially and have a great career. This sector of my mind is devoted to the study of the sciences, particularly the natural and social sciences. In the dullness of chemistry and biology, I find no purpose, no intrigue (mind you, this is me, I know many who do find their dreams in these disciplines)... yet I am positively sure that I will have survival if I choose this path of scholarship.
The problem is that I don't know which path to choose for the rest of my life. If I choose the first path, my heart tells me that I will be satisfied, because its the direction toward the answer, the light. Yet, I know that there will be heavy, deep psychological stigma from the friends and family who will see me as a worthless bum, who can't support himself financially. If I choose the second path, this won't be the case, but I won't be at peace with myself, and I will forever have the melancholic depression that I detest more than anything in this universe. And I know that I cannot partition my time evenly between the two paths, because I will fall into dilettantism and will never truly find the answer.
Please help!
Jon