Tonight [would love feedback]

[PortugalWillie]

The evening is spread out
against the sky.
But they sky is empty,
except the birds
that catch my eye.

Our life, it is spread out
against the sky.
But this is where wings
of certain death
will go to die.


Okay, so I know that it's not the best etiquette in the world so stomp into a forum and start a new thread before posting but I need to change the first line of the second stanza. I like this poem but that line is weak. Does anyone have any suggestions? I have spent hours trying to figure out this line and I'm stuck and at this point when I look at this poem I just get frustrated. Any feedback about other parts of the poem would be great. And thanks for reading my rant. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

The problem, for me, isn't so much in line 1 of the 2nd verse but in the very first lines of all, which will surely evoke the opening of TS Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." Having begun with what is among the most famous lines of 20th century poetry, you've led me to expect that the poem as a whole will either be an elaboration of Eliot's argument or an attempt to refute it or at least to take it in another direction.

[amuse]

Hm. You could try:

"Our life: it is..."
or
"Our life is spread..."

And welcome to the forum! :)

[PortugalWillie]

Thanks a lot for the welcome and reading.

Prince - this poem was definitely inspired by T.S. Eliot, he is my favorite poet and I read the love song again the other day and was super inspired by it, like always, and wrote this in response to my reading.

amuse - the second line is what I would like, but it is only 4 syllables and I would really like for it to be 6 to match the rest of the poem.

The best alternate I could come up with is, "Our future is spread out." But it's not what I want.

[PortugalWillie]

oh, one more thing, Prince: my hope is to rewrite this poem, make it much longer and better. The problem with that is, I'm a long way from feeling like I am a good enough writer to even compare to Eliot.

[MorpheusSandman]

When I get inspired by a poet or a piece I really try not to worry about my own inadequateness compared to them; I just dive right in and tackle it with as much passion as I can. I haven't read Eliot (I will soon), but I do like this, but it really does seem like the beginning of something grander than a work all its own. I actually kinda like the rhythm of that first line of the second stanza; the spondee followed by a pyrrhic and another spondee kinda 'spreads out' the words themselves.

[amuse]

maybe (?) "Our life is spread widely"
*though, on second thought, i think "widely" and "wings" may be too alliterative?

also - sorry - my earlier suggestions weren't clear; i meant:

"Our life: it is spread out"
or
"Our life is spread out"

though i like the rhythm fine as it already is.

[PortugalWillie]

Sometimes I like the way it reads, I feel like the "it" in that line is just too obvious as a filler to make the syllables right.

Our lives are transcending
against the sky.

or maybe

Our joy and ambition
throughout the sky

any comments?