AuntShecky
06-17-2009, 04:11 PM
A special Father's Day parody. Reader discretion advised.
Back in the day before the term “politically incorrect” changed humorists into self-censors, George S. Kaufman (1889-1961) wrote a little sketch that hung on gender stereotypes, but was nonetheless funny. The Kaufman piece -- “If Men Played Cards As Women Do” – inspires this little skit, which we like to call
IF WOMEN SHOPPED THE WAY MEN DO
FADE IN.
(The scene opens with MEG in the back seat of a car as JENNY parks in front of a house and pounds on the horn.)
JENNY:
(yells) :Come on! Hurry up, you ugly sack o’ rotten rutabagas!
(Enter DEBI, who is dressed normally except for her face which is totally covered with blue paint. She opens the car door and sits in the front passenger’s seat.)
What the hell! You look like a Smurf on steroids!
DEBI:
Yeah, I thought we were stopping by the ballpark later. Got my Game Face on! Whoo!
MEG:
I hope you leave your shirt on.
DEBI
(Turning to MEG): Like you're a fashion plate. What’s with all the holes in the front of your tee shirt?
MEG:
Oh, I must have ripped it when I used my shirt to open the twist-off caps of some cold ones. So what? Who are ya, Mr. Blackwell?
JENNY:
Yeah, Deb sounds just like my Brad. (In a deep masculine voice) “ Are you going out in public like that?” (Then in her normal, feminine voice) Where are we going anyway? (Starts the car.)
MEG:
The mall. Who’s up for gettin’ mauled? By a hunk a burnin’ love! Whoo!
DEBI:
In your dreams, Doorknob Face! Do we have to go to the mall?
JENNY:
We gotta! Father’s Day presents, remember? If I don't get what’s-his-Name a gift from me and the kids, he'll jump on my case. Last year I forgot his birthday and he didn't talk to me for a week.
DEBI:
Lucky you!
MEG:
Yeah, what’s with these husbands of ours? My ol’ man keeps wanting me to open up. (Affects a masculine voice, whining) “We never talk!”
JENNY:
Where is this place anyway? Should I take I-87 or what? Maybe we should stop and ask somebody for directions.
MEG:
What are you, nuts?
DEBI:
Holy Crap! (Waves away the air in the backseat ) Who let one fly? It’s enough to gag a maggot! (Rolls down car windows.)
(The scene switches to the Mall, where the girls saunter through, occasionally stopping for a pick-up roundball game in front of a toy store’s display and to give in to the temptation to pop every bubble in a length of Bubble Wrap left near a trash bin. Then, of course, there’s always time for guy-watching):
DEBI:
Jeez! Would you look at the package on that one!
MEG:
Yeah, baby! Is that a pack o’ gum in your pocket or are ya just a little bit glad to see me? (The trio enters a men’s clothing store, where they are soon approached by a male sales clerk.)
SALES CLERK:
May I help you, Ladies?
DEBI:
Too late. We're married.
SALES CLERK:
Might I suggest that today we have a huge sale on men’s clothing. Everything is half off. (The three women start giggling.) And we just received a shipment of fine children’s playwear. Do you have children?
JENNY:
Yeah, three – - that I know of. (Meg and Debi laugh; high fives all around.) Tell you what – I'll make things easy for ya. Give me a six-pack of men’s briefs.
SALES CLERK:
Certainly, ma'am. What size?
JENNY:
Size? Uh, I thought that didn't matter. He looks about the same size as you, give or take. What's the difference? He thinks that everything he puts on makes his butt look big. And can you gift wrap it? (To her companions) Okay, shopping’s done. Let’s get outa here. It’s Brewsky Time!
DEBI:
You buyin’?
JENNY:
I bought last time, ya cheap bastard. . .Let’s do it to it!
ALL THREE:
Whoo!
FADE OUT.
Aw, I kid, I kid. Happy Father's Day to all of our dads out there!
Back in the day before the term “politically incorrect” changed humorists into self-censors, George S. Kaufman (1889-1961) wrote a little sketch that hung on gender stereotypes, but was nonetheless funny. The Kaufman piece -- “If Men Played Cards As Women Do” – inspires this little skit, which we like to call
IF WOMEN SHOPPED THE WAY MEN DO
FADE IN.
(The scene opens with MEG in the back seat of a car as JENNY parks in front of a house and pounds on the horn.)
JENNY:
(yells) :Come on! Hurry up, you ugly sack o’ rotten rutabagas!
(Enter DEBI, who is dressed normally except for her face which is totally covered with blue paint. She opens the car door and sits in the front passenger’s seat.)
What the hell! You look like a Smurf on steroids!
DEBI:
Yeah, I thought we were stopping by the ballpark later. Got my Game Face on! Whoo!
MEG:
I hope you leave your shirt on.
DEBI
(Turning to MEG): Like you're a fashion plate. What’s with all the holes in the front of your tee shirt?
MEG:
Oh, I must have ripped it when I used my shirt to open the twist-off caps of some cold ones. So what? Who are ya, Mr. Blackwell?
JENNY:
Yeah, Deb sounds just like my Brad. (In a deep masculine voice) “ Are you going out in public like that?” (Then in her normal, feminine voice) Where are we going anyway? (Starts the car.)
MEG:
The mall. Who’s up for gettin’ mauled? By a hunk a burnin’ love! Whoo!
DEBI:
In your dreams, Doorknob Face! Do we have to go to the mall?
JENNY:
We gotta! Father’s Day presents, remember? If I don't get what’s-his-Name a gift from me and the kids, he'll jump on my case. Last year I forgot his birthday and he didn't talk to me for a week.
DEBI:
Lucky you!
MEG:
Yeah, what’s with these husbands of ours? My ol’ man keeps wanting me to open up. (Affects a masculine voice, whining) “We never talk!”
JENNY:
Where is this place anyway? Should I take I-87 or what? Maybe we should stop and ask somebody for directions.
MEG:
What are you, nuts?
DEBI:
Holy Crap! (Waves away the air in the backseat ) Who let one fly? It’s enough to gag a maggot! (Rolls down car windows.)
(The scene switches to the Mall, where the girls saunter through, occasionally stopping for a pick-up roundball game in front of a toy store’s display and to give in to the temptation to pop every bubble in a length of Bubble Wrap left near a trash bin. Then, of course, there’s always time for guy-watching):
DEBI:
Jeez! Would you look at the package on that one!
MEG:
Yeah, baby! Is that a pack o’ gum in your pocket or are ya just a little bit glad to see me? (The trio enters a men’s clothing store, where they are soon approached by a male sales clerk.)
SALES CLERK:
May I help you, Ladies?
DEBI:
Too late. We're married.
SALES CLERK:
Might I suggest that today we have a huge sale on men’s clothing. Everything is half off. (The three women start giggling.) And we just received a shipment of fine children’s playwear. Do you have children?
JENNY:
Yeah, three – - that I know of. (Meg and Debi laugh; high fives all around.) Tell you what – I'll make things easy for ya. Give me a six-pack of men’s briefs.
SALES CLERK:
Certainly, ma'am. What size?
JENNY:
Size? Uh, I thought that didn't matter. He looks about the same size as you, give or take. What's the difference? He thinks that everything he puts on makes his butt look big. And can you gift wrap it? (To her companions) Okay, shopping’s done. Let’s get outa here. It’s Brewsky Time!
DEBI:
You buyin’?
JENNY:
I bought last time, ya cheap bastard. . .Let’s do it to it!
ALL THREE:
Whoo!
FADE OUT.
Aw, I kid, I kid. Happy Father's Day to all of our dads out there!