searching (short story)

[ms5801a]

REVISED! LOOK AT NEXT MESSAGE


“Maybe it was those films that mom rented. The idea was not my own, but I embodied it down to my soul. Maybe it was always my idea, and the directors just figured it out, but I always had this feeling. The feeling that I was waiting for something, whatever that something was. I used to sleep till the late afternoon, hoping my something will come faster. The despair of being a star in the world of circles, trying so hard to soften my points, open my angles, be the other circle. Is it that I am not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not talented enough? What am I waiting for? Did I miss it? What is the point of waiting anyway?”


I could read her mind from the time she poured the vodka, and opened the pill bottle. I could read her mind from when she separated the Vicodin from the Tylenols. A sip, one pill, two, three, four, five. I was silent. I watched her fall to the floor, shaking, shaking, shaking. I was silent.

What could I say? You’re making a mistake? Stop? Some I love you bull****? All I could do is be silent, and watch.

A tear came from my eye. Did I miss her? Sure. But I knew, she found what she was looking for.

[ms5801a]

Maybe it was those films that mom rented. The idea was not my own, but I embodied it down to my soul. Maybe it was always my idea, and the directors just figured it out. I knew that I was waiting for something, whatever that something was. But, what else can happen anymore?

“I never told you this, but I used to sleep till the late afternoon, hoping that whatever you people live for would come to me. The part of life that makes it all worth it. The part when you stop counting down, and start living every second at the second. Wow, aren’t I an idiot?”

Everyone thinks that they have it, they don’t. I have been counting down all my life for this, and for once, I know what I am excited for.



I could read your mind from the time you poured the vodka, and opened the pill bottle. I could read your mind from when you counted each pill. A sip, one pill, two, three, four, five. I was silent. A Cheshire smile grew on your face as I watched you fall to the floor, shaking, shaking, shaking. What could I say? I was silent.

Heavy breaths rose, and fell, rose, and fell, and suddenly there were no breaths at all. It was nice knowing you.

[JacobF]

I didn't get it. The first sentence is shrouded in references which the reader has no knowledge of. I have no idea who's talking in the second paragraph. The only thing I got from the story was that someone committed suicide.

Flesh the story out and give the reader some plot, some characters, some bits of info they can chew on along the way.

[ms5801a]

Thanks for the reply. I am changing some of the ambiguity.


"It must have been those films that mom rented. That is where you got this silly little idea. That dumb idea that you were waiting for something, whatever that something was. But, what did you want to happen? What can happen anymore?"

“You don't understand. I never told you this, but I used to sleep till the late afternoon, hoping that whatever you people live for would come to me. The part of life that makes it all worth it. The part when you stop counting down, and start living every second at the second. Wow, aren’t I an idiot?”

"That is the excuse your using? What about the kids? You can't expect him to take care of them all by himself."

"Look,Everyone thinks that they have it, they don’t. I have been counting down all my life for this, and for once, I know what I am excited for."


I watched you pour the vodka, and open the pill bottle. I could read your mind from when you counted each pill. A sip, one pill, two, three, four, five. I was silent. A Cheshire smile grew on your face as I watched you fall to the floor, shaking, shaking, shaking. What could I say? I was silent.

Heavy breaths rose, and fell, rose, and fell, and suddenly there were no breaths at all. It was nice knowing you

[krispykritta]

the last version is a lot easier to read, its still a little hard to figure out whos talking but i can understand better whats going on now befor the end that is. over all tho i liked it