From the Cutting Room Floor, please comment

[Captain Pike]

(This is this segment from a short story written a few years ago. This piece was cut out, in lieu of a different plot stream. Reading it over just now, I thought it was mildly compelling. I'd be interested in others thoughts)

Tom was startled out of sleep by a series of thumps. He felt as if he’d just dozed off. Then it came again – sort of a muffled banging sound. He jumped to his feet, the sound had come from down the hall, it stopped again.

A dim light shown under Karen’s bedroom door, Tom stilled his breath, listening. Nothing. He thought he heard something. Rapping lightly with one knuckle, he called softly. “Sis…Sis you ok?” The door was shut but not really latched, just the force of his knocking caused it to open a crack, beckoning. Then he saw her bare foot, on the floor pointing up, clenched. All politically-correct, privacy issues vanished and he barged in, moving her other, unseen foot aside. “SIS!”, was all he could emit. It seemed as though she tried to look at him. She was lying on the floor fisted and grimacing and tightly vibrating, she was having a seizure.

Instinctively, he dropped immediately to his knees at her side and tried to cradle her head, there was a little bubble of blood in her mouth. Then he heard Eric begin to cry from his room across the hall. “What the F…”, he was exasperated but censored his escaping explicative. “911, call 911”, he said aloud. Eric had drawn a breath and there was a momentary calm before the storm. Now it looked like a tiny curved shard of glass was in her mouth.

Eric’s wail came at last, shrill and resonant, to make a nun let down. He gently pulled his arm from under her neck and stepped over her to the desk, to the phone. The articulating lamp clamped to the desk had been pulled down so that it’s yellow, translucent shade was nearly flush with the surface, and there he saw something that made his heart skip. In an avlanche of lightening projections, his mind stacked a neat pile of speculation into a perfectly balanced explanation: his little sister was a crack addict! There it was: a small, opened out, tinfoil package containing several roughly pea-sized chunks of irregularly shaped off-white pellets.

Eric broadcasted again, this time his lament ended shiveringly, while he gasped for breath. Tom stepped back toward the door and leaned out, stated as calmly as he could after measureing his meaning, “it’s ok Eric, uncle Tommy is right here.” Then he dialed 911.

[sc9108]

Wow that was very detailed, I could really picture it all happening in my head, And could feel the panic and shock !,

[krispykritta]

i liked it, it was a very powerful piece!

[AuntShecky]

This could develop into an evocative story, but the plot needs a little more "oomph" to distinguish it from the glut of movies and episodic TV shows which deal with the same plot.

The main problem, as far as I can tell, is the style. The word choices are pedestrian and a bit tired. There are at least 3 clichés which -- to use another one --"stick out like a sore thumb." "Startled out of sleep," "calm before the storm," and if I never see the word "shard" again in a poem or short story, I'll be a happy woman.

I don't get the phrase "to make a nun let down," especially in this context.

Same with "broadcasted." And I'm not the world's best speller, but methinks "measuring" only has one "e."

Fortunately, a writer can improve his or her style with practice. One book that really has helped me is The Elements of Expression by Arthur Plotnik (and yes, that's his real name.) I know you've said you live in a remote area, but if you have access to a local library, perhaps you could, as the kids used to say, "check it out."

We don't see you on the LitNet often enough, Cap'n. Hope you let us see some more of your efforts.

[sc9108]

Shecky he did say its from a few years ago you can't really judge him for it :]

[AuntShecky]

Shecky he did say its from a few years ago you can't really judge him for it :]

Oh, not "judging" at all, especially not him. But the author did ask for comments, presumably to use as a way to edit, revise, and rewrite the original work in order to improve it. All we have is what appears on the screen.

[Virgil]

I liked it. I will say that I think yoiu need to develop the logic of how he deduces his sister is a crack addict. I think you have that backwards. It dawns on him that she is and then you give the supporting details. I think that needs to be reversed. Give the details first so that in his mind they are adding up into an equation which leads him to the conclusion. But an exciting piece. Hopefully it's got som quiet before the storm .:)

[Captain Pike]

Wow, feedback... cool.

Thank you Crispy as well as SCE 91205 (I'm not looking at it now, you know who you are -- it seems like the name of a class). Of course it is a riveting piece, and so forth. Ha ha.

And, Aunt Shecky, your comments are noted as well as appreciated. Thank you for daring to tell the truth. After all, I was asking for feedback... I am PRETTY FREAKING SENSITIVE, though, you know!

[Looking back now and reflecting]
I believe that you are probably correct in my overuse of cliché phrases. I don't read enough to be able to know that -- really. I had no idea those things were overused, especially the word shard, huh, while there.

Is it OK to coin your own phrases? The kid was loud enough, "to make a nun letdown" -- surely you understand, just never have heard it. I think it's odd that you give me some grief for overusing certain phrases and also for making up my own! What have I got to do? Read the Aunt Shecky guide to not-that-commonly-used but acceptable phrases? Ha ha.

Of course, I mean to say, that the child's cry was so piercing, that it would cause a nun (a possible virgin) to begin lactating. Perhaps it was too obscure or in bad taste -- a pun intended.
The proper spelling of measuring is measuring, it is interesting that I have an error in my text. You know what this means? It means that I began this piece BEFORE my spinal cord injury (four years ago). I use voice recognition software today which has the added cheat/benefit of spelling everything correctly, since every utterance is looked up in an internal dictionary. My actual spelling skills have declined greatly because of this, but my typing is pretty good for a guy who can't use his fingers. If you look closely, at something I haven't proofread, you'll see other types of errors, like 'rate' instead of 'right', a mistake I would never naturally make. I am grateful for the voice-recognition/dictation software.

And a special thanks to SC9108 (I looked up the correct spelling) for coming to my rescue (your 2nd post) after that nasty tirade from Aunt Shecky. The truth is, my skills have improved a lot over the past five years.

Finally, I see your point, Virg, I basically rob the reader of his own imagination by telegraphing, and then giving the evidence which led up to my conclusion -- thank you. What I did enjoy, of my own sophomoric work was the simile image, "...avlanche of lightening projections, his mind stacked a neat pile of speculation into a perfectly balanced explanation:".

[AuntShecky]

Oh no, no, no --not meant to be "nasty" at all. Certainly we should try to coin our own phrases; it's just that the nun phrasing was off-putting (to me, at least) as I didn't know what was meant by "let down" and the image was a little unclear.

And certainly I didn't mean to "let YOU down." At all.
Please keep writing, and take whatever I say, no matter how bluntly, with a grain of the proverbial you-know-what.

[Captain Pike]

No matter how well we might be able to write, it's always a challenge to "say what we mean without being mean". And I'm talking about me here. I have read enough of your stuff to be very pleased that you would imagine me as a friend, a colleague -- a fellow ink junkie.

It means a lot to me that you would take the time to actually critique my work. Reading this stuff and then offering specific thoughts of your own is the greatest gift you can give. Thank you.

It's a funny thing with me, while I love to "dish it out", it's amazing how sensitive my old skin really is. The good thing is, I'm aware of it. I guess it's kind of like being grateful for teenage skin: getting zits implies there might still be some lusty chemicals still floating around (or maybe that I haven't washed properly).



With appreciation, Cap'n.

[sc9108]

No matter how well we might be able to write, it's always a challenge to "say what we mean without being mean". And I'm talking about me here. I have read enough of your stuff to be very pleased that you would imagine me as a friend, a colleague -- a fellow ink junkie.

It means a lot to me that you would take the time to actually critique my work. Reading this stuff and then offering specific thoughts of your own is the greatest gift you can give. Thank you.

It's a funny thing with me, while I love to "dish it out", it's amazing how sensitive my old skin really is. The good thing is, I'm aware of it. I guess it's kind of like being grateful for teenage skin: getting zits implies there might still be some lusty chemicals still floating around (or maybe that I haven't washed properly).



With appreciation, Cap'n.

I think that is very true!, I am alway grateful to people who take time to be nice about my work or nasty, Its just very nice knowing someone has read it, If they enjoy it great if not sorry and I hope you wont be put of for reading something new of mine, I change genre frequently and two of my stories never have the same theme,

And I'm getting used to people being not nasty but ,,,, well negative :I,, I mean people like different genre , I alway put which genre my story falls into in the title to attract that audience and get feedback from someone who enjoys that genre,

:) Sean.