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View Full Version : Dreams of reality (Vampire Thriller)



LeonClaire
06-10-2009, 09:02 AM
Please tell me if this is any good thank you!

The rising smell of moisture in the air, John for the first time couldn't tell if this was a dream or not , then came the flowing trickle of rain, John felt it brush across his jet black hair, the rain drizzling through the illumines clouds, the little scatters of water falling down on Andrea's milky soft cheek, her eyes gazing at his, Andrea, was not too far from the edge of the building the wind blowing her long luscious black hair, John attempts to move closer towards her, but Andrea then retreats and moves closer to the now damp edge."I want to help you!" John softly says. "Just leave me alone, no one can help, no one understands." Andrea replies. "I know you won't believe me, but I know you, I've been dreaming about this very moment for the past 3 months" John says. Andrea than starts to cry, the innocent tears sweeping down from her brown eyes. "Please I don't want to hurt you I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, you don't know what I am, please just go." Andrea replies with tears filling her scared determined eyes. John takes a step towards her. "I know what you are, I know you won't hurt me or anyone else, I had a dream of the moment when you decided you wanted to this." John says with confidence. Andrea noticed the belief in his eyes that everything he was telling her was the actual truth. " if you really did have that dream, you would know I thought about killing that family and the worst thing of all was, was that I couldn't even control myself, I can't go on like this you must understand" Andrea's determined voice says.

krispykritta
06-10-2009, 02:35 PM
not bad, it defenatly left me wanting to know whats going to happen next. i liked some of the descriptions you used aswell.

JacobF
06-10-2009, 08:21 PM
You really need to improve your use of grammar if you want your work to be readable. And that goes for every story you have on the front page. Your first sentence (which is about a quarter of the story) is just one big comma splice on a string. Plus, you should stay in one tense instead of randomly switching between past and present.

Most of all, I really wish you wouldn't post an abundance of stories at one time. Not because there's a rule against it -- I'm not even sure if there is -- but more so because a lot of your threads just seem like beginnings of stories and should really be more developed if you want them to be criticized. Also, I suppose it's just common courtesy to let others have a chance on the first page too.