Time and Space

[mazHur]

Time and Space
by mazHur

O my beloved!
you had been enjoying a good day
while I prayed for the dark night to end
this is true but some would not believe it
what we see is not always actually there
truth too has many faces and colors
for you it was a bright sunny day
for me a dark eerie night
evidently time remains ever the same
unless it changes its face in space
Time and Space cannot go together
If it were true you wouldn't be in light
and me alone in the abyss of dark pitch night
Or, vice versa!

[Haunted]

It's so poignant — the furtive relationship of day and night forever separated by time and space. A lovely piece!

[MorpheusSandman]

I like the sentiment but I find some of the phrasing a bit awkward. Some suggestions:

O my beloved!

Leave this out; it's much too cliche.

this is true but some would not believe it

This is a bit too much like prose. How about "This is truth that's not to be believed" or something like that.

what we see is not always actually there
truth too has many faces and colors

I like the idea, but maybe too direct and too repetitive? Maybe think of a short, two line metaphor here for the relativity of truth.

Time and Space cannot go together

This is a good opportunity for some alliteration: change "go together" to "converge".

Or, vice versa!

I also think the ending is a bit superfluous and would be stronger without it.

[qimissung]

I agree with both of the above. The idea is both beautiful and interesting and well-done. I would tend to want to make it a bit more poetic; I think MorpeousSnadman's ideas are good. I particularly don't like the "vice versa" and exclamation point at the end.

But I LOVE this:

"If it were true you wouldn't be in light
and me alone in the abyss of dark pitch night."

I love the idea you are exploring of many different truths, and of time and space and our perception of it. You have written a piece that is sweet, delicate, and deeply poignant.

[mazHur]

Thank you very much, MSandman and Qim, for your critique which I sincerely appreciate.
I wrote this poem extempore and in one go without trying to alter the spontaneity of idea that it contains. In so doing I can see some prose and cliche having crept in. Then,after all, what is free verse for??
Haunted, thank you too for your kind appreciation.
best

[Pendragon]

what we see is not always actually there

I loved this line! How totally true!

[mazHur]

thank you, Pen, for your appreciation.
How are you keeping??

[Pendragon]

Well, Maz, I'm preparing for a graduation from high school (youngest son), a wedding, (daughter), and my own high school 30th reunion, so the word is probably 'busy"! :crash: