The Closet

[miyako73]

I think this is the best story I've written. What do you think?




The Closet

Miyako I.


"C'mon, get inside."

"Jake, I won't fit."

"Move the jeans to the side."

"No more space in here."

"Put the rest of the shirts on top."

"I can't reach. Look how high that is. I just can't."

"You can do it, Ella. Use that hanger. Just throw them over there."

"Let me get out. You do it."

"Fine. Hurry up."

The sliding door of the closet hit and scraped Jake's big toe. Biting his lip, he closed his eyes and muted his cry. He did not want his mother to hear him groaning in pain. His father would surely scold him for crying. Sitting beside him, Ella blew warm breaths on his foot and muttered something for quick healing, as he watched and grinned.

"Is it okay now, Jake?"

"Ssshhh, tone down your voice."

"Sorry. Just trying to help."

"This is nothing. Don't worry about me."

"No cut? No blood?"

"Ella, I'm alright."

"Are you sure? Do you want me to get a Band-Aide?"

"Shut up. Help me with this."

Halfway close, the door would not slide all the way. A towel stuck underneath. Together, they removed it. It screeched a sound of a tear. The towel still stuck, stronger this time, they pulled it some more. His elbow hit her shoulder, and hers banged onto the wall. Torn, it finally dislodged. After checking each other if it hurt, they closed the door.

"It's hot in here."

"Ella, we've done this several times."

"I know, but I'm sweating."

"Use that towel."

"Jake, it's dark. I'm scared."

"You know we don't have a flashlight."

"Can you hold my hand?"

"Close your eyes. Don't think."

"It's still dark."

"But you won't see what scares you."

Her tears thinly streamed down. They mixed slowly with the sweat dotting on her face. She dozed off. Shivering, her tiny fingers curled tightly on her brother's trembling fist. Jake looked at his sister. He could see her in the dark. His fed up stare probed her tired eyelids. Soaking wet, her eyelashes fluttered. Ella could hear his sniffles and sobs. He freed his hand from her hold to cover her ears from the loud punches, kicks, and slaps.

"Die, son of a b!tch! I hate you!"

"You're a fvcking cvnt! You deserve it!"

"Hurt me one more time! I swear to god you'll never see your kids again."

"You're crazy! Do you think I care? Go ahead... call 911."

[billl]

This is a good short story, a good idea (when i say good, i'm just talking about the writing of course!). The ending was pretty powerful.

I'm left wondering why they actually had to get the closet door closed, however. Maybe that really helps them listen because there's some noise in their room? Anyhow, really good idea, and good execution of the idea, in my opinion.

[miyako73]

I thought of that mother who killed her sons and that father who shot all his family members. I put hints of both scenarios in the end.

"You'll never see your kids again" and "Do you think I care" or "Call 911"

That's the reason why the kids hid in the closet.

Thanks for reading

[billl]

Oh, maybe the girl's concern about the boy's toe threw me off track. I could tell they were struggling to get in there, but didn't quite get the desperation that must've been going on then. I thought they were just listening to one more out of a long series of angry abusive, perhaps drunken, exchanges. I thought it would've been interesting as an example of how children are drawn to the ugliness that the parents usually keep them away from, something like that--worried about divorce, wanting to hear the parents' real feelings, etc.

[miyako73]

That would be a good chapter for a memoir-- becoming numb to what they are hearing.

[JacobF]

That was very sincere and moving. The subtle transition from confusion to grief was done so well. I can tell it was very inspired.

[krispykritta]

i liked it, its very powerful

[ms5801a]

i really enjoyed it. i like your style of using mostly dialog and the present tense to bring the story about.