In-N-Out

[miyako73]

Please comment on my first attempt at writing about love in the time of minimum wage. Sorry I am so spent that I could not edit this. I will maybe later. Thanks.

In-N-Out

Miyako I.


Coming from the drive-through window, in series and in delayed gaps, gushes of wind entered, cooling his rosy face feverish from smoke and steam. The deep fryer hissed and bubbled. It was spring, but the scent of the fried potatoes dominated the air.

He checked the clock on the wall. The numbers hid behind the glass covering sweating droplets from humidity. He looked at his wristwatch. A smile instantly appeared on his face. Dusk would turn into eve soon. Outside in the middle of the parking lot, his girl would be waiting. He could not wait to see her skittish excitement.

Seeing her was the best part of his eight-hour day job. Her embrace soothed his exhausted shoulders and lulled the aches in his back. Her kiss refreshed his weary breathing and made him forget the small burn on his arm. He was working hard for her.

The alarm sounded as though there was fire. He pulled the metal holder half-full of crispy golden strips. Now he could move on to grilling, his favorite, where he had plenty of time to think introspectively. He fought the boredom from monotony that way.

On the hot, flat-surfaced grill, the round patties sizzled under his steel spatula pressing the pinkish juice out of the raw beef. Waiting for them to brown, Noah busied himself thinking about Allie, the girl he loved. They had been dating since she broke up with Josh, his friend. They had already kissed and cuddled but not gone beyond that.

The beef cooked well done, he toasted the sesame-seeded buns. Noah continued where he left off. Actually, he respected Allie so much that when she said no, he took his hands off her. Although unlucky and deprived, he never cheated her. The first time he heard her say that she was not being prude but just saving herself for her future husband, he set his sights for the future. He would finally ask Allie tonight if she really loved him. If she did, he would tell her to marry him. With this approach, he hoped to score soon.

Their green looking fresh, the lettuce leaves broke and crisped in his hands as he washed and towel-dried them. "I would be gentle and patient with her." His mouth moved without a whisper. "I'll do whatever makes her smile," he quietly promised. The edgy look on his brow made him more handsome. It seemed like a misplaced dimple.

The thick slices of cheese, cheddar, melted helplessly on top of the steaming patties. He questioned his intention if he would be doing the right thing. Marriage, from what he heard, was not all about love and sex. He thought hard about it. "She'll be my fiancée first not a wife," he told himself. His lips moved again as if he spoke to assure.

Cheeseburgers ready to be wrapped, he tapped the bell. Its dull ringing annoyed him. It did not sound like the one he heard in the church. "Vegas isn't cool," he convinced himself. "I need to save a lot for a real wedding." He did not think Allie would like a drive-by ceremony officiated by a pastor impersonating Elvis Priestly.

Noah just cooked two dozens of burgers all at once. He was not supposed to do that. His shift over, he went to the restroom to wash up and change his manager's uniform. He sprayed the giveaway fragrance he got on the spots where Allie could sniff.

In the same place, bare and empty, Allie stood firm on the concrete ground watching Noah walk towards her in a hurried pace. Strands of her hair failed to cover her doe eyes. Sheepishly avoiding the coltish breeze, her face did not show its usual joy.

They hugged. She patted his nape and finger-combed his hair. Her offish touch and hold felt familiar. He could not kiss her as she immediately withdrew as if she was pulled from him and pushed away by the wind. Noah knew what it was. "Is Josh back?"

[l0rd]

Not my cup of tea. Your sentences need more dynamacy and variation; most of them are very short and exude a sense of childishness in simplicity.
Also, often times it seems like you aren't narrating an event in such a way that the reader can be included. You seem to just state a fact or event without narrating it or elaborating, when elaborating is needed for clarification.
This is probably unproductive, but your story just seemed so uncreative. I wasn't interested at all in your relationship with Allie; however, you might be able to change that with better writing--who knows.

Don't take this personally or harsh, just trying to help.

Good luck.

[miyako73]

I am not defending this piece to convince but to elaborate about my intent.

Actually, the totality of the story-- its style, concept, structure, plot, scene, characters-- is a play on "In-N-Out".

The first sentences of some paragraphs show the engaging/delicious images of food, and the next sentences that follow them are disruptions using the thoughts of Noah that may not be interesting. If a reader experiences that disconnect, then my in-and-out structure works.


The way Noah thinks--about his job, his girl, etc.-- is also "in-and-out."

The setting is "in-n-out"

Even Noah's feelings is a mix of determination and hesitation-- again, in-and-out.

Also, the length of the sentences--short and long--are deliberate in most cases to have an in-and-out rhythm.

By the way, there is no relationship. It is all in the mind of Noah. It seems there is, but there's none--that's also part of the the in-and-out theme.

Josh is in-and-out in Allie's life.

Even Allie's hug and withdrawal are also intentional to show in-and-out emotional play.

The story is not about love but sex, which is "in-and-out, literally.

Maybe I have failed in my conceptual experiment. Maybe I'm too ambitious.

Thanks, I like your comments.

[AuntShecky]

I like the title -- a fast food joint, right? Also there's a risque pun involved, if I may be so bold to speculate.

The idea-- "love in the era of the minimum wage"-- is a wonderful idea; so much of the fiction and movies cranked out these days depends on an affluence that no longer exists (or never existed for most of us.) You know what I'm talking about--
the "Sex and the City" gals unloading hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes.

But you absolutely, positively should work on your prose style and tighten it up.

Meanwhile, I think this piece is off to a good start.

[jekan blazer]

good start!!!
i was hooked and i want to know who josh is!!

keep going!!