Corruption

[whitman]

I am strangely written..

[billl]

"freeing the trapped ecstasy" is really good. Very good, interesting poem.

[Helga]

'Dear you were present but never home,'


I liked that line also this one 'freeing the trapped ecstasy'

very good

[blank|verse]

Dear you were present but never home,

I agree with Helga about that line, and was expecting it to make a reappearance at the end of the poem; it has that sense of clinching finality to it.

Watch your punctuation though - surely it should be a full stop (period) at the end of the line, not a comma, as the sense then continues to the next stanza. I think a full stop after 'ate,' would also tidy things up - the short, factual lines seem to reflect the resignation of the speaker.

I'm not sure about the lineation of the second stanza, when the lines suddenly become longer. The first sentence in the stanza is too long, I feel, and think could be improved so it reads better. I was reminded of Yeats's 'The Second Coming' and the falconer's 'widening gyre' with the (slightly bizarre?) introduction of the bird of prey - I did consider that as an explanation for the 'widening' lines, but think it's a bit abstruse, even if it's intended.


I could hear our deghosted wars in the musical incantations,
this was the only time you spoke with honesty.

Great use of language - 'deghosted' (although if you think about it, if you've truly exorcised ghosts of previous rows, then surely who wouldn't 'hear' them now?). And another candidate for a full stop after 'incantations'. Sorry, that's all very picky, I know.

I love the imagery (and in the next lines of the music / birds in flight) - it's nicely expressed, of her (presumably) taking out her frustrations on the piano, not on you. Very middle-class! And you, in turn, articulating your feelings through the art of poetry.

And having read the poem, I'm now not sure about the title.

And I really must write shorter replies...

[blazeofglory]

Something strangely written.