The Virgin Channel (Sonnet)

[MorpheusSandman]

*Notes*

I've had the first (roughly) 8 lines of this worked out for a while but just couldn't finish it. I'm still not sure about the closing sestet, so all comments and criticism is welcome. Like my last I tried to incorporate an elaborated metaphor throughout...

Beside a moor a virgin channel lies;
In time a current pierces through its gate
And babbles past the countrysided eyes
As chirping toads and croaking crickets mate.
The tones go nightly hopping trains of thought,
As Luna ticks her clock across the sky,
And loco motives crossing come to naught,
The pregnant lucid river’s left to cry.
That river’s now an ocean wide and wet;
Yet dry as dust and sand to thirsting throats.
Its offspring trampled mud all in its bed
And boats are shored on land and cannot float.
Our poisoned water's come to ru'n and doom;
A barren dune that mocks and marks our tomb.

EDIT: Changed the ending couplet; better or no? Here's the original:

What will we do? Our water’s fall’n to ruin.
It’s now a dune to which none sings a tune.

[Amylian]

The serene, idyllic view in the first four lines, personally speaking, masterfully sculptured.
"The Virgin Channel", first untouched, beautiful, and "babbles" can be heard as well as the sounds of "chipiring toads" and "croaking crickets", but as the clock ticks, all things have ended and we get to see an awful" picture of sands and muds instead of a clear, clean water.

Your utilization of words is amazing; I mean, inflicting such senses in a peom is great. Then, I have this to ask: "Who is Luna?" and "what does the Virgin Channel have to do with all of this?" Yes, I think this is someone you loved, or maybe hated. Who knows.

There are lots of things I want to say, but I will stop here and let things take their courses in here...

Very nice, and I will try to re-read it again to get a better idea, to discover the "truth."

[blank|verse]

Well, you certainly don't have to be Sigmund Freud to work out the metaphor. Amylian, go and ask your mother. On second thoughts, best not. ('Luna' is the moon, by the way.)

Some of it's so crude, I presume you're joking (although the ending suggests otherwise). It reminded me of that great, contemporary British poet, David Brent from 'The Office':

'Take this long, dark steel-ed blade
Steel it, sheath it, in your lake...'

And I think you've caught my disease with that duffer of a last line:


It’s now a dune to which none sings a tune.

Still, it's inventive and there's some nice punning word-play in there. I'm sure Hamlet would enjoy the 'country matters' theme.

[Amylian]

Amylian, go and ask your mother.
Unfortunately, she is dead.

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks to you both for the compliments.


Then, I have this to ask: "Who is Luna?" and "what does the Virgin Channel have to do with all of this?" Yes, I think this is someone you loved, or maybe hated. Who knows. Luna is the Latin name for the moon. The virgin channel is, like I said, a metaphor (I hate to just give it away... but we'll see). I try to write these kinds of poems so they can be read in more ways than one. This being said to someone I loved or now hate... I can see how you could read it that way. That's not what I intended but what I intended isn't all there is to it.


Well, you certainly don't have to be Sigmund Freud to work out the metaphor.Good on you for catching that particular part of the metaphor. But, actually, that's only the second part; the Freudian element is actually a metaphor of its own for the real underlying theme. I will give a hint: There's three words in the first three lines that have multiple definitions - the first two related to water, but also something else that "carries" what my main theme is, and the third line is what it carries (and it's also an allusion to something Biblical that had to do with the theme as well).


And I think you've caught my disease with that duffer of a last line:'Duffer of a last line'?

[blank|verse]

Amylian, go and ask your mother.

Unfortunately, she is dead.

I'm sorry to hear that, Amylian; you have my sympathies and I hope you can forgive my flippancy. The expression is one used in England when one person realises another is being naive about sexual matters, in particular, and is suggesting they speak to their parents or relatives about 'the birds and the bees' - the process of sexual reproduction.

Morpheus - I'm not sure if you're questioning the phrase 'duffer' or the suggestion behind it.


What will we do? Our water’s fall’n to ruin.
It’s now a dune to which none sings a tune.

What I mean is that it, and the line before, are a disappointing end to the poem. You have to remember the music of poetry and that it is to be spoken: try saying 'fall'n' aloud - it sticks in your throat like trying to swallow a dry cracker. I presume it's included to make a 'water-fall' pun but the cost is too great to the poetry, I feel.

'Ruin' is a disyllabic weak / feminine rhyme, ending a hendecasyllabic line, which you rhyme with the monosyllabic, strong 'tune' to the final, decasyllabic line which (unless you're pronouncing these words differently from me) I feel is a poor ending. And this is after negotiating the bumps of the phyrric 'to which' followed by the spondee of 'none sings'.

And what to make of that (intended?) 'dune - tune' internal rhyme? It's all a bit clumsy, particularly contrasted with the clarity of the preceding lines that largely stuck to iambic pentameter. Hence why it is a bit of a 'duffer' - a bit flat and lifeless.

[MorpheusSandman]

Ah, Ok, I didn't know what duffer meant. There's an obvious language barrier between us here; goes to show how colloquial all poetry is, I guess. "Fall'n" comes naturally where I am in the south of the US (where I live) and I don't think I've ever heard anyone pronounce the 'e'. Ruin is the same way as it's almost always pronounced more like "rune" than "rue-in". Though the phyrric/spondee was intentional; I actually liked the slight change for the end as it's quite different from the rest of the poem's pastoral feel; It turns from a metaphor to a commentary and I thought the metrical changed helped emphasize that.

But, as I said, I wasn't sure about much of the closing sestet, so I appreciate the criticism and might consider rewriting this in any number of ways. I'm surprised you didn't mention that "wet" and "bet" don't technically rhyme either. ;)

[MorpheusSandman]

Changed the ending: Better or no?