I Have a Butter Knife, and I Know How to Use It

[AuntShecky]

I Have a Butter Knife, and I Know How
To Use It*


All around this place bags abound –
white ones from the supermarket
and the dollar store, colored and clear
sleeves that the newspaper came in.
These bags are not toys! They're plastic,
and lethal. What’s to prevent me
from wrapping one over my head?

We've got a cabinet shelf full
of over-the-counter medicines,
little bottles with child-proof safety
caps, and capsules behind shrink-
wrapped bubbles you can't open
without a blow-torch in full flame.
But I wouldn't hesitate
to down the lot of ‘em. Maybe
I'll do fifteen Tylenols and die
of boredom waiting for
something to happen.

And there’s that oven that brags
that it’s “self-cleaning” but hasn't
lifted a finger since we've been here.
Still, I'm this far away from turning
the knob and putting my head in.
On the electric coil I'll broil
my nose to spite my face. A first
degree burn is worth the third
degree you'll get from the Authorities.

You hear me? I'm not kidding around,
not just whistling “Dixie” here, not that
I ever learned the song all the way through
or ever got the hang of whistling. I mean
it, though! You'd better watch your
step, Mister. I'm just saying.


*With sincere apologies to Dorothy “Resumé ” Parker

[blank|verse]

Amazing. Funny-but-serious free verse dramatic monologue. Great, direct language and word-play, shot through with a wry humour which really made the voice come through strongly; no wandering off down the pretty path of pseudo-profundity and all the better for it. I have to say that I don't know how free verse works, but it seemed to work here.

This bit made me laugh out loud:


And there’s that oven that brags
that it’s “self-cleaning” but hasn't
lifted a finger since we've been here.

Jeez, you wise-cracking American, you!

I don't know which poets you read, but I was reminded a lot of British poets Carol Ann Duffy and Simon Armitage.

And I don't have a critical thing to say about it, which must be a first for me! Brilliant.

[PrinceMyshkin]

You're a hoot, Dear Auntie, in fact - a hoot and a holler! Way to go!

The butter-knife reference reminds me of a Jackie Mason spiel in which he cites how Gentiles have slotted, Phillips, PoziDriv/SupaDriv (crosspoint), Robertson, TORX, and Allen (hex) screw-drivers, whereas Jews make do with a butter knife.

[AuntShecky]

Thanks, Blnk Vrz and Prince. Many times my speakers are serious, and they get laughed at, yet when they're intentionally funny, all you can hear are crickets! But I'm really glad you laughed at this one.

[Sapphire]

I don't think you need to apologize to Dorothy “Resumé ” Parker - she immediately came to mind when I read this piece of poetry :)

Wonderfully done! Thank you for sharing.

[breathtest]

To me, as well as being funny, this poem makes you think of how close death is on a daily basis. How simple, commonly used objects can effectively be so deadly. This juxtaposition is quite striking and i loved the poem a lot. Thank you for posting

[Helga]

very good, simple and direct

[Nightshade]

Im rubbish at leaving comments but...
I Like! :nod:
whihc is about as much as I understand poetry anyway. :D

[AuntShecky]

Thank you breathtest (love that screen name!), Helga, and Nightshade.

[qimissung]

You are very good at being amusing and making a point (or not a point as in the case of the butter knife; so lets' say your good at bieng edgy and funny :D).

[Niamh]

Auntie! you are by far one of my favourite litnet poets. another great poem.

[firefangled]

The way this winds down is hilarious. I like it better than Parker's because of the details, the voice and syntax of the speaker. I like the way the title hinted, but didn't give the whole thing away. Another gem, Auntie!

[AuntShecky]

Thank you, qimissung, Niamh, and firefangled.

[~Sophia~]

Every time I read this, I mean to comment so... tada... I LOVE IT!

[Pendragon]

Great poetry, Auntie. Shades of Dorthy Parker, but definitely original!