Oh spring

[peter7805]

Oh spring

Like water you come out of the earth and flow to the sea

Like a cloud you pass across the sky and fly away to see

Like sunshine you warm the field and life grows to be

Like a flower you open the eyes and smile at me

Oh spring

You are the green grass and trees

You are the smiles on the children's face

You are the gentle wind and breeze

You are the old birds coming back to me

Oh spring

Like a fish you swim in the stream free

Like a sand you lie on the river bed deep

Like a smoke you disappear as a dream

Like a shadow you stand in the moonlight's beam

Oh spring

You are the language that never speak

You are the words that never creat

You are the beauty touches the wind's feet

And you are the true love that i forever need

[blank|verse]

Oh! Peter 7-8-0-5
Whilst I am glad that you are alive
To sing about Spring and all God's lovely things,
Here's my advice, you can take it from me
Please try to speak like you're from the 21st century.

Ok, that last bit didn't quite scan, but you get the point. We all (well, some of us) entertain notions of being all Wordsworthian and Romantic, and feel that's the way we 'should' express ideas of nature (or metallic elements); but he was writing 200 years ago, and doing the same today leaves one open to sounding rather dated.

The metre and repetition at the start of your lines is too much as well. Try to read about poetic metre to find ways to vary this. Wordsworth was a master of blank verse (my favourite, hence the name) which doesn't rhyme but has a definite structure and tumbles along beautifully, like a smooth stone down a grassy hillside (!?) and feels really to reflect the nature he describes. Read 'Tintern Abbey' for the best example. And if that doesn't move you, go and see a doctor, you may be clinically dead.

And watch your grammar: eg. there's a mistake in three out of the four lines of the last stanza.

Keep writing though; it's clear you're open to the poetic and want to express that. (I don't know how old you are either, so I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.)

[peter7805]

Oh! Peter 7-8-0-5
Whilst I am glad that you are alive
To sing about Spring and all God's lovely things,
Here's my advice, you can take it from me
Please try to speak like you're from the 21st century.

Ok, that last bit didn't quite scan, but you get the point. We all (well, some of us) entertain notions of being all Wordsworthian and Romantic, and feel that's the way we 'should' express ideas of nature (or metallic elements); but he was writing 200 years ago, and doing the same today leaves one open to sounding rather dated.

The metre and repetition at the start of your lines is too much as well. Try to read about poetic metre to find ways to vary this. Wordsworth was a master of blank verse (my favourite, hence the name) which doesn't rhyme but has a definite structure and tumbles along beautifully, like a smooth stone down a grassy hillside (!?) and feels really to reflect the nature he describes. Read 'Tintern Abbey' for the best example. And if that doesn't move you, go and see a doctor, you may be clinically dead.

And watch your grammar: eg. there's a mistake in three out of the four lines of the last stanza.

Keep writing though; it's clear you're open to the poetic and want to express that. (I don't know how old you are either, so I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.)
hi this is peter thank you for your advice nice to meet you in this literature world i am just trying to use english to write and express my feelings and ideas and glad to communicate with you and hope to be your friend!Thanks again!

[blank|verse]

And it's nice to meet you too, Peter. From what you said, it sounds like English is not your first language, so (if that's the case) I feel terribly guilty for having criticized your poems. I struggle to write poems in my own language: I certainly can't do that in another.

And I'll look out for anything else you post and try to comment on those in future.