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miyako73
05-22-2009, 06:30 PM
Please post your comments. Criticisms, constructive or otherwise, will be appreciated. Thanks.


God's Child

Miyako I.


When the sun rose to its highest, she dried the cakes of fresh cow dung she formed by hand on the crumbly ground parched by the scorching heat of May, the hottest month in North India. That was all she did, as far as she could remember, since she was thrown out of their house to live in the cowshed to fend for herself. Amrita was just five.

When the river of Ganges flooded two years ago, her father, a cotton farmer, lost most of his field and suffered a great loss—her mother drowned by the riverbank while offering a prayer to the river goddess, Ganga. It was Amrita's third birthday when the tragedy happened. Everyone in the village lost either a friend or a relative. They all mourned and blamed her. She was called "malak-ul-maut", an angel of death.

"You must abandon the child, or I shall kill her," ordered the angry saddu, the priest of the village temple for Shiva. He brandished a sharp trishul threatening Amrita.

Her father, a devout Hindu and loving parent, asked, "Can you tell me how to abandon a child?" She was his father's only daughter, and he adored her.

"She must suffer to atone the evil deeds of her bad karma."

"Is God merciful?" her father asked in tears. He could not do anything but follow the sacred whim of the priest, who showed him his daughter's unlucky astrological chart.

Two years later, Amrita had suffered a lot. She could not even play with her brothers. To survive, she sold dry dung used in the village as fuel for dirty, open stoves. She could not understand why she was not allowed to touch her father's feet, a child's gesture of respect to an elder. Even to play her siblings' toys, she was forbidden. The hornless white cow was her only friend, and the cowshed, the only world she knew. She had enough. After drying and selling the grassy cakes, she bought a garland of fragrant flowers she put around the neck of the cow after bathing its head with honey, rose water, and ghee. She burnt sticks of incense and hummed her chants. Decided to traverse the vast arid land browned by the drought and determined to find a place where she could start a new life, she packed up and left the cowshed without telling anyone.

For months, she had walked barefoot, tiptoeing to avoid hot stones and sharp rocks. She picked blossoms of marigold along the roadside when hungry. Riding on the floating leaves of overgrown lotus, she hand-paddled the shallow, drying lake. She ate their blooms until she had a good fill. Crisscrossing the mountains, she took shelter under the leafless bushes. She plucked their edible buds that failed to open.

One dusty afternoon, she reached the village severely hit by the heat wave. Heads raised up the sky, the people stood in the middle of the barren road, stretching their arms and begging for mercy and rain. They had not seen even a drizzle for almost a year. Their crops were dying, and the village well would lose its moist soon. Sitting under the bodhi tree resting and watching the devotees in pious hysteria, Amrita was spotted by the saddu, who led the puja ritual for Indra, the god of rain. Her skin glowed like the saffron of marigold. He approached her. Shaking in fear, she could not say a thing but breathe heavily. She exhaled the scent of lotus. He asked who she was. Copiously sweating, she just uncurled her lips in nonchalance. Her sweat smelled like a potpourri of perfumes.

The priest, at once, dropped on his knees to touch her feet and said, "My devi, you have arrived." He alerted his followers. "The child of Vishnu is finally here!" They ran towards Amrita singing a devotional bhajan. The sky darkened and roared. After a silvery bolt, it drizzled and then rained. It was the first pour of monsoon.

JacobF
05-22-2009, 09:07 PM
I liked it. I liked all the small details of Amrita's surroundings and how they were embedded in the story. It took me a little while to understand why Amrita got blamed for the flood. I thought that could have used more explanation. Same for the ending: it was abrupt and I didn't quite catch why, all of a sudden, the priest bowed at Amrita's feet. Was it because she brought rain into the horrible drought, even though she was responsible for a flood years ago?

And the part where she walked barefoot for months was a bit hard to believe, especially the tiptoeing and the riding across the lake on an overgrown blossom. How could she have survived on just marigolds for two months? How did she get water? I think that part needs a bit of modification because I find it removes from the believability of it all.

But overall I liked the story. Keep writing. You're obviously a natural at it, and I think with practice and improvement you can go a long way.

miyako73
05-22-2009, 11:41 PM
thanks for the comment. I did change some parts after reading your post. Thanks.

ex. "She had walked barefoot, tiptoeing to avoid hot stones..." to "She had walked barefoot and tiptoed to avoid hot stones..."

I don't know if I have succeeded. I want to inject a feel of magical realism in my story since it's about gods and beliefs.

Thanks for the advice.

daxamite
05-23-2009, 02:32 AM
I see two problems:

The first is that the first sentence is too long. Should be shorter with a good hook.

The second is that I want to hear more. :)

billl
05-23-2009, 03:12 AM
It's a great beginning, and I think that's good not to spend too much time making all the details believable, since it's magic realism. It's a fantastic example of magic realism, actually. At this pace (only one page!) you will have your hands full making it just to page ten--but I'm sure you could, and the readers will all be better off for it, if you do. What a ride this could be! You've given us a goddess I'm rooting for, and I've only been reading a couple minutes...

I have two recommendations, and you can ignore them, of course, maybe you already thought it through and have your reasons for your choices:

1
"When the river of Ganges flooded two years ago..."
would normally be written,
"When the river Ganges flooded two years ago..."
with no "of".

2
"Even to play her siblings' toys, she was forbidden."
would normally be written,
"Even to play with her siblings' toys, she was forbidden."
'play with' is usually used for toys.

JacobF
05-23-2009, 03:42 AM
It's a great beginning, and I think that's good not to spend too much time making all the details believable, since it's magic realism.

To clarify, by believable I didn't mean realistic. There's a difference. Believable means you can believe what is going on in the story to be true and therefore you are more immersed into the world. Realism is just trying to be authentic to a certain event or situation in real life. To make a good story you don't need to have realism, but you do need to have believability. A story about elves and orcs can be more believable than a story about WWII, for instance, depending on how the author writes both of them.

I hope that made sense.

billl
05-23-2009, 04:08 AM
It did JacobF, and I was trying to keep your advice in mind when I gave mine. You had some good suggestions, and I just wanted to back up her response that it was magic realism. It moves so swiftly, though, you were right to throw up the warning flags, just in case she didn't know what she was getting into. I've never seen a story move from pathetic scapegoat to goddess so quickly! It can maybe be a fine line between laziness and magic, sometimes... :)

Again, I agree with daxamite--there's room for more here. A universe could begin and end in just a few more pages, and where could it go from there? But, if not, it's a great short piece. I'm a bit envious, actually.

miyako73
05-23-2009, 05:17 AM
Thanks, guys!

Yes, I was not sure about the use of with. I guess time to read Elements of Style again.

I would love to expand it but I only limit myself to two pages (600-700 words).

rewok
05-28-2009, 02:47 AM
Hey, I'm new here, so I want to make two quick things clear before I start: First, I don't know how usual critiquing goes, here (although I'm getting a good idea), so forgive me if I'm too harsh - or too light. Second, I liked the story for what it's worth, so please take my thoughts in light of that.

I would've loved more introduction. I felt whisked into a world and mood ill-defined, or characterized. You don't always have to create an entire world or realm, but creating an extremely solid voice, tone or mood helps to unify a story.

Also, like a poster above said, I didn't understand why the certain sequence of events was happening. I couldn't follow the LOGICAL flow, which is important to keep track of... MOST especially when you're writing an emotional, philosophical or religious story. Or a short story with emotional undertones.

I also felt like certain actions were merely statements of fact, with no emotion behind them. I felt like certain thoughts were cut short, to retain smaller sentences, instead of elaborating onto what each event meant. Ie. the child turning into ... a god? I believe you're censoring your natural voice to create this type of structure, and it would be better to let yourself have at a page, then learn to work with your voice from there. Learn to let the animal run, barely restrained, before you try to break the stallion. You know? ;)

Now, I did like some of the smaller details. The rocks she couldn't walk over, the gestures she couldn't perform. I felt like I'd enjoy a little more explanation of foreign terms or customs, but those terms also took me to a place I could explain in my mind. I got a pretty clear image of what was going on -- Even if the characters themselves were a bit hazy.

Overall, I think it shows a lot of potential, and I encourage you to keep writing. :) Next time you tackle a big idea like gods and religion, don't be scared to take your time with it. This short story thing isn't only for simple ideas... Although complex ideas do require a more graceful hand. ;)

Hey, I wouldn't mind if you returned the favor (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=727901#post727901), either. I'd love to hear what you have to say about my writing style, as well. Maybe we can learn and grow, together :)

miyako73
05-28-2009, 04:53 AM
Thanks for the post and your advices. Originally, I thought of this as a good material for a novel which I think of writing if I get the chance to explore and live in India--that will be in the future.

The story is linear and simple. It shows how one's fate can change without even trying or planning it. The child leaves the cowshed not to become a goddess but to find a place where she won't be treated as untouchable. I like writing real stories that sound like magical and out of this world, but if you read deeper, it could be a real story.

The child does not become a true goddess, and she does not know about it, but the people in the new village think she is because her arrival is also the arrival of monsoon.

I like playing with coincidence. I know the story seems culturally heavy, but it is not really that complex if you treat my storytelling as a simple linear narrative.

One of the reasons also that I don't want to expand/expound it, particularly about the gods, aside from the fact that I want to write one-page (single-spaced) short stories, is to toy with mysterious mysticism. Over-explaining defeats the purpose, I think.

If you list down all the gods in the story and research about them and connect them to each other, it's a story in itself--destruction (Shiva) to creation (Vishnu), which is what this short story is all about.

Thanks for reading. I'll start reading and critiquing other short stories in this forum soon.

Miyako