The Boy Looked At Johnny (WiP)

[Jordanp56]

Well, can't really say i have any direct inspiration. Just lots of music and victorian literature.

The Boy Looked at Johnny: A Story of Betrayal on the Central Line
Johnny woke one morning in his flat, the hum of the Central Line drawing him out of his slumber, and there he lay, on a solitary mattress in a room filled with books and trinkets and dust filled cups. And as the morning light pierced the curtain illuminating all around him, he reached for his watch, a relic from the Victorian era. “****!! 11 O’clock! Gotta ****in’ meet Wolfie!” he murmured as he threw on his jeans and Reebok classics, and left his flat. Wolfie was Johnny’s landlord, dealer and friend, but it was a Wednesday, rent day, so this most certainly was not a social visit.

For Johnny the cold winter streets of London were paradise, the remnants of a forgotten time, and even though most people thought that London had gone to hell in the past few years, he still found some form of romanticism to do it justice. It was a short walk to the Bethnal Green tube station; from there he rode to Mile End, transferred to the Hammersmith and City Line and rode to Whitechapel, and Wolfie’s gaff.

“I don’t care whether you got payed or not! I need my money!!” Johnny had caught Wolfie at a bad time; he had made a dodgy deal with some Jamaicans, and due to this he was not happy at the sight of some scummy wannabe rockstar in his flat. “Look Wolfie, I can get you the money by Thursday!” “Well that’s ****ing class enit! First these Jamaicans **** me over, and now I’ve got some little ****in’ prick thinking that he can keep my money! Fine!! You have until Thursday! But John, you better have it by then!!!” “Don’t worry Wolfie! I will get your money! Now I have to go to work!”

While Johnny told people that he was a rockstar, he, in reality, worked in a small greasy spoon cafe on the Holloway Road; mind you he did **** all in there. He mainly just sat about reading Orwell and Chaucer, or smoking spliffs in the back alley behind it. “John! You’re 25 minutes late! What the hell happened?!?” “Oh **** off you old codger! I’m going for a smoke.” Snarled John, clearly not amused by his bosses’ attitude towards him. “You won’t be calling me that when you haven’t got a job you ****!” Bill was Johnny’s 53 year old boss, who, in Johnny’s eyes, was only there to hold him back, stop him from realising his dream of being a musician.

That day Johnny spent half of his shift working out how he could gather up the money for Wolfie, but, little did he know it would be easier than he expected. “John! Some little Jamaican matey is out here asking about you!” “Oh that’s Winston; set me an early break bill.” “Fine, but only this once!” Winston was Johnny’s Burberry clad rude boy wannabe mate, fresh out of Pentonville, he helped Johnny with his Musical career, and if he needed it lent him the odd bit of dosh. “Wagwan Johnny, you gwan tell me about was happening wid this Wolfie bwoy?” “Yeah, course, but not here, don’t want the old man looking over my shoulder, let’s go to the Prince.”

The prince was John’s local, run by Alan Top, a man who looked like he had walked straight of a Guy Ritchie movie, your typical cardboard cut-out wannabe gangster. “Now, what’s this Wolf fella been doin’ to my rude boy breda Johnny?” “Nah Winston, it’s nothing, just money troubles...” Johnny looked up and down the bar, almost as if he felt he was being watched, “Well man, you know I an’ I can always set you some money when you’re in need.” Said Winston, with a sympathetic, friendly tone, which was really what Johnny needed at the time, a proper mate. “Cheers man, I owe him £250.” “Cool, well, here you go star” murmured Winston, handing him an envelope, full of tenners and fivers. “Well Winston, better get back to the old **** bill before he shuts the cafe and comes looking for me.” “Cool see you around star!”

After another long ride on the tube after work, Johnny found himself back, in his flat, watching Countdown, and, wondering what to do with a small bag of crack, that he had happened to acquire at a party, at Wolfie’s flat a few months back. “**** sake, what the **** am I gonna do with this?” he asked himself, “Ahh **** it, might as well have a quick smoke.” Half an hour later, Johnny was in hell, the paranoia had set in and he was in the most perilous of states. “CAROL VODERMAN IS ****ING TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!!!” shouted Johnny down the phone at some poor random old man, who had been rudely awoken just to pick up the phone, to a man, on crack, thinking that Carol Voderman was trying to kill him. Typical Wednesday evening for Johnny.

“Wolfie, I have your money.” “Yeah well where the **** did you get it from?” Wolfie was still pissed off about the Jamaicans.

Right well it's not done yet but i will post the rest on here soon.
Sorry for the swearing. And constructive Criticism welcome.
btw Sorry if it is rubbish
cheers
x

[Astronought]

I really like the descriptive parts, but the dialogue just didn't sound very realistic to me. The addition of Carol Vorderman is always a bonus though!

[joehmbunn]

Johnny woke one morning in his flat, the hum of the Central Line drawing him out of his slumber, and there he lay, on a solitary mattress in a room filled with books and trinkets and dust filled cups. And as the morning light pierced the curtain illuminating all around him, he reached for his watch, a relic from the Victorian era. “****!! 11 O’clock! Gotta ****in’ meet Wolfie!” he murmured as he threw on his jeans and Reebok classics, and left his flat. Wolfie was Johnny’s landlord, dealer and friend, but it was a Wednesday, rent day, so this most certainly was not a social visit.

I love the dust filled cups. They sound amazing, makes his flat seem almost esteoric. The watch seemed a little forced, sounding a little bit like you crowbarred it into the piece. Almost like writing, 'and he liked victorian stuff as well, get it?' What you could do is try and describe the watch. Make it sound victorian. The swearing is uncalled for in the sentence 'Gotta ****in' meet Wolfie!' Simply eliminate this, as no one would awaken to tell themselves they had to meet someone, complete with swear. Also, if Wolfie is so much his friend, why's he so harsh to him later?



For Johnny the cold winter streets of London were paradise, the remnants of a forgotten time, and even though most people thought that London had gone to hell in the past few years, he still found some form of romanticism to do it justice. It was a short walk to the Bethnal Green tube station; from there he rode to Mile End, transferred to the Hammersmith and City Line and rode to Whitechapel, and Wolfie’s gaff.



What's with the mockney in the narrating voice? Try writing it in first person, it'll work a lot better with the cockney references(gaff etc.) because the character would say it, not the narrator.




“I don’t care whether you got payed or not! I need my money!!” Johnny had caught Wolfie at a bad time; he had made a dodgy deal with some Jamaicans, and due to this he was not happy at the sight of some scummy wannabe rockstar in his flat. “Look Wolfie, I can get you the money by Thursday!” “Well that’s ****ing class enit! First these Jamaicans **** me over, and now I’ve got some little ****in’ prick thinking that he can keep my money! Fine!! You have until Thursday! But John, you better have it by then!!!” “Don’t worry Wolfie! I will get your money! Now I have to go to work!”


This is like an overload of information. We haven't even met Wolfie before we find out his 'dodgy deal'(why make the deal if it's dodgy?) has gone wrong...perhaps introduce him with an anecdote relating to John, like how they met perhaps, or even describe the deal in more detail. He's an intruiging character, want to know more!



While Johnny told people that he was a rockstar, he, in reality, worked in a small greasy spoon cafe on the Holloway Road; mind you he did **** all in there. He mainly just sat about reading Orwell and Chaucer, or smoking spliffs in the back alley behind it. “John! You’re 25 minutes late! What the hell happened?!?” “Oh **** off you old codger! I’m going for a smoke.” Snarled John, clearly not amused by his bosses’ attitude towards him. “You won’t be calling me that when you haven’t got a job you ****!” Bill was Johnny’s 53 year old boss, who, in Johnny’s eyes, was only there to hold him back, stop him from realising his dream of being a musician.


Again, there's swearing in the narration, whereas it'd be the character who would be saying something like **** all. Definitely do the first person thing. The character seems very 2-D(if you get my drift), try and fill Johnny out with some reasons why he reads Chaucer and Orwell? Maybe the instrument he plays? At the moment he just pisses me off, seems like a total dick. Why does he want to be a musician? He seems the worst possible kind of musician, one who never plays music...what makes him tick etc? At the moment, as i say, i hate him. He seems spoiled...i'd want a more gritty, troubled star, but thats only my opinion.



That day Johnny spent half of his shift working out how he could gather up the money for Wolfie, but, little did he know it would be easier than he expected. “John! Some little Jamaican matey is out here asking about you!” “Oh that’s Winston; set me an early break bill.” “Fine, but only this once!” Winston was Johnny’s Burberry clad rude boy wannabe mate, fresh out of Pentonville, he helped Johnny with his Musical career, and if he needed it lent him the odd bit of dosh. “Wagwan Johnny, you gwan tell me about was happening wid this Wolfie bwoy?” “Yeah, course, but not here, don’t want the old man looking over my shoulder, let’s go to the Prince.”


'Winston' is a very stereotypical character. He's bordering on racist...his name, and the way he talks. He only seems to use patwa for the first time he talks, afterward degenerating into anglo speech patterns. Maybe try a more subversive jamaican character, like a posh jaimaican, who wants to be cool like Johnny(which i got from the character a bit, in the 'wannabe mate' bit) and try not to give away too much too early('lent him the odd bit of dosh). It sounds like John doesn't like Winston at all.



The prince was John’s local, run by Alan Top, a man who looked like he had walked straight of a Guy Ritchie movie, your typical cardboard cut-out wannabe gangster. “Now, what’s this Wolf fella been doin’ to my rude boy breda Johnny?” “Nah Winston, it’s nothing, just money troubles...” Johnny looked up and down the bar, almost as if he felt he was being watched, “Well man, you know I an’ I can always set you some money when you’re in need.” Said Winston, with a sympathetic, friendly tone, which was really what Johnny needed at the time, a proper mate. “Cheers man, I owe him £250.” “Cool, well, here you go star” murmured Winston, handing him an envelope, full of tenners and fivers. “Well Winston, better get back to the old **** bill before he shuts the cafe and comes looking for me.” “Cool see you around star!”


I love then name Alan Top, shame you haven't really described him. You simply describe him in terms of someone else's work(guy ritchie) which could alienate the reader, if they haven't seen any of his films. Again, you could describe how hard he is, or whatever by using a metaphor(he was so hard, he could pickle onions with his eyes) or a simile even(he was tough like a reinforced door). Again, how come if Johnny doesn't like Winston, is he now 'a proper mate'? Maybe he could hate him more for giving him the money. Also, how come Winston has the money just handy in an Envelope, more details please? (and 'the old...bill' could be read as being the police.)



After another long ride on the tube after work, Johnny found himself back, in his flat, watching Countdown, and, wondering what to do with a small bag of crack, that he had happened to acquire at a party, at Wolfie’s flat a few months back. “**** sake, what the **** am I gonna do with this?” he asked himself, “Ahh **** it, might as well have a quick smoke.” Half an hour later, Johnny was in hell, the paranoia had set in and he was in the most perilous of states. “CAROL VODERMAN IS ****ING TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!!!” shouted Johnny down the phone at some poor random old man, who had been rudely awoken just to pick up the phone, to a man, on crack, thinking that Carol Voderman was trying to kill him. Typical Wednesday evening for Johnny.


This is where it goes mad, and needs a whole bundle more details. For a start, how did he 'acquire' this crack? How did he smoke it?(it seems to straight from holding the crack to paranoia) How did he get the old man's number? Why doesnt the old man talk back? Just fulfill these questions and i'll be happy haha. Johnny does seem to lead quite a charmed life haha.

All in all, it just needs more details please. Just imagine each paragraph is it's own seperate story(story about Alan, Bill, Winston, Crack) and itll bulk out this skeleton story.

Also, it isn't rubbish.

Sorry if this critique was....

[Jordanp56]

well, cheers for that, I mean, your advice will really help me alot, soo yeah thanks and I will be posting the revised version here soon.
and for some reason, i don't know why, i believed that too much detail might make it tedious to read..

[AuntShecky]

This one needs another run-through in your word processing program. There are too many grammatical errors and typos for my ancient eyes to sift through. And what's with the "*****"?
(For a minute there, I thought I was looking at Mark McGwire's batting record.)

The original idea could be effective, though, with a few more rewrites. By the bye, it's best not to begin a piece with the protagonist waking up in the morning. That situation is overdone and tired.

Good luck with your next attempt.

[Jordanp56]

This one needs another run-through in your word processing program. There are too many grammatical errors and typos for my ancient eyes to sift through. And what's with the "*****"?
(For a minute there, I thought I was looking at Mark McGwire's batting record.)

The original idea could be effective, though, with a few more rewrites. By the bye, it's best not to begin a piece with the protagonist waking up in the morning. That situation is overdone and tired.

Good luck with your next attempt.

Yeah about the Asterixes, that was the forum, the original was not like that. And about the start, well i really could not think of a better way to start it. But still thanks and sorry if you did not enjoy it.